Dream Deferred
by LaNorita
Summary: I wonder when I stopped envying her curves and started envying the hands that got to touch them unabashedly.
1. Intro

**Legal Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own the characters (Tom Lynch) nor do I own this title (Langston Hughes).**

**Rating: PG-13 for now, will differ as the story continues**

**Pairing: Always Spashley.**

**Feedback: Is appreciated. Good and bad.**

**Summary: When I stopped envying her curves and started envying the hands that got to touch them unabashedly. Yeah I'm not a fan of making summaries …**

**A/N: So yeah, I started one again because I thought _"Hey, let's start another fic I'll probably neglect after 3 updates!"_ That and I was writing an update for And So It Goes the other day and I totally got stuck. And when I get stuck I start new fics … Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy and I'll be still updating my other fics of course. It's just the iwhen/i that will be a problem.**

**I'll start with a small intro that should set the situation. Enjoy!**

* * *

Her breath is hot on my neck and my chest rises at a higher pace than normal. This really shouldn't affect me any more than it already does. I've been in this position so many times in so many situations. There used to be a time when this was completely normal and innocent. When the puffs of air that were warming the backing of my neck, we're only doing that. Warming my neck. Now it warms my entire body.

Her bare arm tightens the grip around my quivering waist. I say quivering because this simple movement is perfectly complicated. The way she tautens her grasp every few minutes. Capable of squeezing just the right amount. Able to protect without suffocating me. She's always been so protective of me. Going as far as punching the bullies who'd push me in the mud, to ripping Madison a new one because she'd spread vicious lies about me. About us. Lies that sometimes don't feel like lies. Lies that I wish were truer than this reality I'm in right now.

Her body is molding with mine and every singly part of me electrifies. I never stood still at this compilation that we form. I never wondered how it was that our bodies fit so perfectly. How every singly bump was engulfed and every single dip was filled. I never stood still at this because our bodies have accustomed to the other throughout the endless nights of our innocent sleepovers. But the thoughts that have crossed my mind during our sleepovers these days are anything but innocent.

She nuzzles the back of my ear with the delicate tip of her nose and my breath hitches. I wonder when it all changed for me. When the hugs she gave me didn't feel friendly anymore, but intimately suffocating. I wonder when the touch of her hand started scorching my skin. When I stopped envying her curves and started envying the hands that got to touch them unabashedly. When I stopped loving her and started being in love with her.

She softly kisses the tip of my shoulder and a lonesome tear rolls down my cheek. Because the changes that coursed through my mind and body have not coursed through hers. The frightening feelings that I'm undergoing are only exposed to me. Because I miss the strength, the braveness, the audacity to tell her about her scorching touch and my fluttering heart. Because the lips that touch my skin will never linger as long as I want them to linger. The looks she'll hand me will never be filled with the same desire as the ones I hand her.

She sighs contently as she murmurs that she loves me and my heart constricts. Because the love she feels for me isn't as strong and meaningful as the one I share for her. Because every single of her touches, looks, kisses do not have an ulterior motive like mine do. They are what they are and they're only produced to intensify the notion of our everlasting friendship.

Friendship.

Such a beautiful, unique and special concept. Yet every time our relationship is described as that, my guts wrench in the most painful manner. Because it's just that and nothing more. And even though I should, I can't seem to simply accept it and try and move on and go back to that easiness we once felt. The easiness I once felt, because she's perfectly content with what we are now and what we always have been.

She sleepily wishes me a goodnight and I quietly reply the same to her. I steady my voice the best I can, because I do not want her to know. I don't want to mess up what we're sharing now and have been sharing for years. I want to bask in this closeness with her, even if it brings more ache than relief. The last thing I want to do is scare her off and lose her for good. I already lost such big part of her to him. I don't think I could handle losing her completely. So like every night, I firmly shut my eyes and silently beg the tears to stop. And just like every night, I quietly pray that she won't hear the muffled sobs and notice my strained smile in the morning.

She unhurriedly threads her steady fingers with my trembling ones and I wonder for how I long I'll keep up this exhausting charade.


	2. Chapter 1

I stroll towards the overcrowded lunch table where she's seated and slow my pace once I'm getting closer. I've been doing this more and more lately, just stopping myself for a moment and taking her in. Each and one of her movements and traits. Every single thing that makes her what she is and who is. Every mundane part of her that made me want to become her best friend and every atypical piece that makes me long to be more than just that.

She senses someone looking at her and slowly takes her eyes off the people in front of her and shifts herself towards me. An instant smile crosses her face and tricks mine into surfacing too. For a moment we don't say a thing as we block the annoying bragging and the insistent gossiping. For a moment all there is, is her and me and the space that's parting us. Nothing is said and nothing is done and it's all that we need. Sometimes the glint in her eyes and the sweetness of her smile in these instants makes me wonder. It makes me wonder if she feels it too sometimes. Even if it is just for the briefest of moments. Just the thought that she might come remotely close to feeling the emotions she evokes within me, is enough for me to not ignore it completely. To not force myself to not feel and suppress every sensation, every passion that surfaces with the simple thought of her.

To not be in love.

"Hey you." She rasps, finally ending the peaceful trance we were finding ourselves in. I slowly trudge closer to her, fidgeting the whole way there, feeling and acting like a nervous kid on their first day of school.

"Hey yourself." I reply with a shy smile, all the while tracing the ground with the tip of my red converses. She's completely shifted my way now, with her back facing the table of friends. Friends that mean quite a lot to her, but that she leaves behind so effortlessly when I come in the picture. My nervous fidgeting is still well under way when she effectively stops it with the simple touch of her hand. Her touch would've been more than enough, but she decides to hold it in her hand completely. Lightly swinging it back and forth in the process.

"Where were you? I've been looking all over for you." She says, the mid-high sun making her squint heavily. I manage to focus my attention away from her soft hand for a moment to look beside her, but there isn't even an inch free for me to settle myself. She notices my gesture and starts lightly tugging my hand, urging me to sit myself on her lap. I'm guessing she really doesn't have a clue about the way she makes me feel, because why would she want to make my heart race at a speed that is anything but healthy. She sighs in mock-annoyance when she notices my reluctance (when really I'm just helplessly frozen) and gently pulls me until I'm finally seated on her. My eyes are cast downwards the whole time and when I finally dare to look up my breath hitches and a barely audible gasp leaves my mouth. Suddenly her face is so close to mine, too close. Her cherry red lips are less than an inch away and it would take one spoken word, one sigh for them to delicately brush against mine. For them to fulfill a gesture, a motion, a moment that I've been longing for such a long a time.

"Well?" She asks me after sensing that I wasn't going to answer any time soon. I mentally shake myself from the reverie I was in and scold myself for losing focus in the first place. One of these days she's bound to notice the looks and touches that last and linger just a little too long to be of a supposed friendly nature. Sooner or later this whole pretense will shatter completely and every single part of me, of us will shatter with it. I'm just hoping it will happen later than sooner.

"Ms. Glass kept me after class. She wants me to tutor some brainless jock who needs to pass or King High's championship dreams will be ruined for ever and ever." I sigh dramatically, rolling my eyes for good measure too.

"You sure he doesn't just want to get inside your pants like the last guy." She laughs bitterly, wrapping one of her arms around my waist. I already mentioned just how protective she is of me and when she found out that a certain student of mine wanted a little more than private lessons, she pretty much lost it. She ended up getting suspended for a week and told me more than once (after every time I apologized) that she'd do it all over again if anyone would force themselves on me again. The thing is that nobody even dares to ask me on a date now, let alone take advantage of me.

"I don't know if I'll go through with it or not. I don't think I can handle another person who doesn't know the difference between me and I." I say as I lightly lean into her. She's wearing that apple-scented-perfume again I bought for her birthday and it's impossible to not angle yourself and breath it in.

"You mean you can't handle _I_ anymore?" She gasps in mock horror and I can't help but laugh at her dorky-self. If there's one thing she loves to do, it's to make some lame jokes since she knows she'll always make me laugh. Most of the people around us don't understand our conversations or jokes because they're done on a level that belongs to only us. They wonder a lot about me and her, about everything that makes us those girls that cannot be seen without the other. We're a one package deal and you simply can't have the one without the other. And they've come to accept it. Every single intimate conversation and touch is something that has become completely natural in the being of us. It got to the point that when weren't being as close as we normally are people would immediately start jumping to conclusions and say that we had a major fight.

No one ever really understood our relationship because it was such a foreign concept for them. They did not know this intimacy between two friends, because they never experienced it. For the most of them friends were something disposable in this stage of their life. They could easily move on from one to the other and not feel remorseful about it. But they sensed that, that wasn't the case for us. They understood who we were and why we were like this. And that's where I envy them, because for me all of this is anything but clear. The lines of friendship and love have been blurred such a long time ago that I don't even know in which territory I'm finding myself in right know. It's been something I've been trying to figure out unsuccessfully for the last 14 months.

"Spence, you really need to stop spacing out on me here. I still like to think of myself that I'm not that boring." She chuckles quietly while shifting the arm that's wrapped around me. She brings her hand to the exposed small of my back and starts scratching me there ever-so-lightly. A chill instantly courses through the whole of my body and I try my hardest to strain myself from closing my eyes at the sensation. She knows me so well. Every single inch of body, mind and soul she knows by heart. Recognizing just the right time when to touch, to talk or simply just be there. She's the one person that might know me even better than I know myself.

"Seriously, what's wrong?" She asks quietly while searching for my downcast eyes. A slender finger tips my chin up and I'm met with those sincere and loving eyes again that no one gets to see but me. She might act all tough and bitchy sometimes, but that's all it is. A simple act. And she's chosen me to be the person that can peek beyond all that. She's chosen me to be the one she can be her true self with, because she's still afraid that people won't like who she really is. I pity all of them who might think that. I pity them because they'll never get to truly know this beautifully considerate and sweet person. A tiny smile forms on her lips as she keeps looking at me and the contagiousness of it is not lost on me.

So I sit there perfectly comfortable on her lap, with nails still deliciously scratching my back, blue eyes mixing with chestnut browns and silly smiles counting a story of their own by the overcrowded lunch table in that overcrowded quad that never seemed more deserted that right this moment. And in this brief instant we're both finding ourselves on the same territory with the same intentions and with the same feelings. In this moment we can just _be_ without any other misinterpretations or hidden agenda's. In this moment there are no undeserving boyfriends or cowardly best friends.

In this moment we're just Spencer and Ashley.


	3. Chapter 2

I dreamily smile at her as she starts talking so animatedly to me about whatever is on her mind. It's so easy sometimes to simply take in her cute facial expressions and amusing body language and understand the reason why I've fallen for her. With her, it's the simple things that no one notices. The little details you find so endearing but that everyone else finds annoying. With Ashley, it's just her being herself around me in the intimacy of our space.

I still remember the day when she didn't feel like _just_ the friend I had met at the age of six anymore. The day I stopped looking at her as the friend I could tell everything to, to the person that simply was everything to me. The day I learned both the tenderness and cruelness of love.

--

_I see her completely enamoured with him. Giggling at his stupid jokes. Bringing her face closer to his, because the music is too loud for his whispering. Or that's what it's supposed to look like anyway. His hand smoothly making its way towards the small of her back and resting there when she doesn't flinch._

_It's Friday night and this should be our girls' night out. This should be the night in which we go out and dance the night away, drink ourselves silly and laugh away everyone who dared to make a move on us. But tonight she broke each and one of those unspoken rules. Letting herself being swayed by his sharp tongue and suave moves. He's been preying after her since the start of the school year, but she dodged him every single time. But this last week was different._

_This last week she laughed at his insipid jokes, she responded to his insistent flirting and never once rejected him like she used to do so effortlessly. I knew were it was leading but the naïve part of myself told me it was all in my imagination. But tonight, nothing was imagined and everything was painfully pictured._

_She's slowly being backed against the wall beside the bar, her flirtatious smile never leaving her features, before he moves a lock of hair behind her ear with his large and calloused hand._

_I don't even have a reason to dislike him. He isn't the kind of guy who's known to sleep around or treat his girlfriends like crap. He isn't a scumbag liar who acts like he's on top of the world, above everything and everyone else. He's just a sweet guy who fell for that bright smile and heart-melting eyes. He's just one of the pack who's standing in line for Ashley Davies. Standing in line for my best friend._

_Her hands have found his waist and he does not wreck his chance to finally make a move on the girl he's been persuading for months. My guts start wrenching in the most painful manner and a sense of nausea is overcoming me. I see him leaning his head closer as Ashley shuts her eyes expectantly. The rest is completely missed on me as I quickly wriggle my way through the people and run towards the nearest bathroom. My breathing is erratic and I can feel my eyes swiftly welling up. I head in the first stall and immediately lock the door. I can feel my heart furiously thumping against my chest as I lean against the metallic door behind me. Tears are silently rolling down my cheeks and I strain myself to let out a scream of frustration because this is not justified. I have no reason, no right to act the way I am and to feel the way I'm feeling. Illogical thoughts course my mind at a mile a minute and flashbacks of every touch, every innocent kiss on the cheek are being displayed one by one in a film behind my closed eyelids. Trying to find some logic in my behaviour. Trying to pinpoint a moment, where this all happened before and lull my conscience to a blissful sleep._

_"Spencer?" I quickly dry up my tears with the sleeve of my shirt as I hear her concerned voice echoing though the bathroom. I'm not surprised that she somehow still managed to pull herself away from her own world at that point and see that I had left. It was something that came so naturally to us. That sixth sense in which we always could find each other in a room packed of people. In which we'd always sense the discomfort and hurt of the other, no matter how hard we try to cover I up. But I don't think she'll be able to sense what's wrong this time, because it's still a mystery to me._

_"Spencer, I know you're in there." She says from the other side of the door, " Please, come out." She quietly pleads. I close my eyes and inhale deeply in effort to calm down my emotions. Once I feel my heartbeat slowing down and my breathing finding its normal pace again, I hesitantly unlock the door. It takes me a moment to look up but when I do I immediately notice her guilty demeanour._

_"Spencer, what's wrong?" She worriedly asks undoubtedly noticing the remains of my little emotional outburst," I swear if someone hurt you I'll-"_

_"Nobody hurt me." I interrupt her in a shaky voice. She steps closer to me, never losing the concerned tone of her face, and gently cups my head. Brushing away the traitorous tears that refuse to stop with the pads of her thumbs. The gesture soothes me but there's a nagging voice in the back of my mind that does not want to give in so easily. Demanding answers and explanations for my sweaty palms and fluttering stomach. Refusing to simply bask in this one peaceful moment that came out of this night._

_"Spence, tell me what's wrong." She tells me one last time, knowing that there's a reason behind all of this._

_"Nothing I'm just being stupid; I think it's hormones or something." I respond, shaking my head lightly._

_"Last time I checked you weren't forty and you definitely weren't pregnant." She chuckles quietly, never leaving her hands from my face. "Spence, you know you can tell me anything." She softly urges me when she notices my hesitance in talking to her. This isn't something we're used to. We always talk to each other about everything, not leaving one detail out. We're each others diary we never fail to update with our latest secrets and musings. Yet here I find myself unable to open to her about whatever is happening at this point within me. Whatever that has been shaping for so long but that I unconsciously always blocked out. Because this is not right._

_"I know." I sigh into the quiet room, while averting my eyes from her. She immediately tips my head back up, forcing my gaze to meet hers again._

_"Promise me nothing is wrong?" She asks me firmly. Not wanting to let this go until I assure her, because she knows I would never lie to her. She knows if there's truly something wrong with me that I'll tell her right this moment, simply because she asked me. I swallow roughly on the lump in my throat before I answer her._

_"I promise." I whisper. I do not know whether I lied or not, because I do not know whether this is really wrong. Whether these foreign thoughts that consume my mind and these unknown emotions are something that should not happen. I do not know whether what I'm feeling is a mistake or only a brief state of mind. I do not know what this is._

_She leans in and presses her forehead to mine, gazing deeply in my eyes with her caring brown ones. We simply stand there for a few moments, completely still and lost to the muffled music that's pulsing through the walls._

_"You now that it's always going to be you and me, Spence." She whispers, her hands still cupping my face, assuring me both mentally and physically of her omnipresence. "No one is ever going to take in your place. Ever." She tells me sincerely, "You'll always be my number one. Once together …"_

_"Never apart." I finish her sentence in a hush. The sincerity in which she talks to me is something I will never take for granted. It's that little piece of her that no one will ever get to see besides me and she has no idea just how thankful I am for that. She has no idea what this side of her does to me. What it evokes deep within me, and I don't think she'll ever know. Suddenly the pressure of her forehead against mine completely clouds my head. The soft hands that are caressing my cheeks ensue the fluttering of eyelids. And her hot breath makes my ignorance and naivety disappear for this brief and rare instant. But just as I'm about to act on it, she backs up from me and my momentarily braveness._

_"Come on, let's go home. I got some cheesy DVD's that have got your name written all over them." She tells me with lazy smile before she takes my hand in hers and starts tugging me towards the exit._

_"But what about-"_

_"You come first, Spencer. You always will." She tells genuinely, facing me completely to make sure I get the sincerity of her message. I lightly nod and flash her a lopsided smile, before she finally opens the door and lets me follow her lead._

--

"So do you wanna go?" She asks me hesitantly. I realize that my reminiscing caused me to miss a large part of her explanation, but the words 'party' and 'Friday' come to my mind and it's enough for me to get the picture.

"Sure." I shrug indifferently, but internally I'm already relishing another night together.

"Seriously?" She asks me, widening her eyes.

"Yeah, why not." I tell her warily, sensing that I might have a missed a part of the plan.

"Oh my God, this is great!" She squeals while she jumps on the bed next to me, "I swear Spence, you won't regret this. This guy is perfect for you."

Oh God, what have I gotten myself into.


	4. Chapter 3

"Spencer, what the hell is taking you so long."

I look at the person in front of me and take in her sullen eyes and her drained traits. Studying every single one of her features and reading the too obvious dread she displays for the night that has yet to come. I look her straight in the eyes and wonder when she became this coward that let her life be dictated by others. The girl that simply gave herself in for the obvious, because the easier path was so much more welcoming than the one she seemingly could not travel.

"Spencer come on, we're going to be late."

I gaze at her one last time, pleading to let this all out and stop this nonsense. Asking her just for once to leave her cowardice in that piece of damped glass. But her demeanour tells me that she isn't ready yet and that she's doubting whether she ever will. I finally take my eyes off of the mirror and make my way out of the bathroom and into her room.

"It's about damn time, you-"

She stops her comment halfway through as she sees me for the first time tonight. She looks baffled and shocked all at once and I mentally applaud myself for still finding the strength to look decent. At first I thought of putting on the first shirt and jeans I found in front of me. Actually at first, I thought of feigning illness and not going at all. But something about her extreme giddiness and excitement for this date made me change my mind. Unable to take away anything from her happiness and enthusiasm.

It hurt.

Knowing that she went to great lengths to match me with someone she approved of. I still wonder who this guy might be, because he really has to be someone special for her to give me the blessing to date him. We're talking about the same girl that is more intimidating for potential boyfriends, than an overprotective rifle gun-owning father. The date she planned and the excitement that went with it, is something that brings me even more ache than the fact that she's in a lasting relationship herself. Every single doubt I had, every single moment in which I wondered if she felt it too, every hope I sheltered were completely tarnished.

"Wow, Spence you look …" She quietly says, stopping mid-sentence to let out a shy chuckle.

"You look really beautiful." She continues sincerely. I bashfully look down at what I'm wearing in effort to mask my blushing cheeks. " I knew it would look good on you. It brings out your eyes even more." She sighs into the air. I let out nervous chuckle because I feel like I'm caught red-handed. Wearing this cerulean blue dress she gave me about a year ago. She had bought it in a small shop in Venice were they sold unique and handmade clothes. She presented it to me as a one-of-a-kind dress for a one-of-a-kind girl. I had never worn it before because I was afraid of breaking and ruining that unmistakeable aura around it. Every Friday I took it out and wondered whether that would be the day I would finally wear it. But every Friday I put it neatly back into my closet, hiding it there for a better moment. A special moment. But I have no belief in those moments anymore, because the chances that they're ever going to occur are getting slimmer by the day. This blind date is the proverbial drop in the bucket and I thought this dress, that means so much to me, deserves one outing before it gets thrown back into the darkness of my closet. It's a shame that the one time I finally choose to wear it, it won't be worn in our intimacy. The way I always imagined it to be worn. But I've come to learn that your imaginations and fantasies get crushed by the painful reality we reside in, every single time.

"Thanks, you look really good too." I tell her with a smile. She always does.

"Yeah, well I better if I'm going to sit next to you all night." She sniggers lightly, when she saunters over to me. She raises her hand to my face and starts brushing her fingertip right beneath my eye. At first not really understanding the purpose of her action. Her eyes are transfixed on the spot she's lightly touching until she shifts it to the finger that's tracing down my cheek at an agonizingly slow pace. Her finger slowly leaves my face and she takes the heat and blush she caused with it.

"You … uh … you had something there." She explains choppily, probably realizing the tension she set up with that simple action. I look at her pensively and for once, I'm the one who's making her face me and look me in the eye. I'm the one who's putting her on the spot and stripping her soul bare in attempt to figure out her thoughts and actions. To just figure _her_ out completely. Because it's in these sort of situations in which I get enchanted and frustrated at the same time. That endearing mystery around her is something that I have accepted as another reason for me to be this infatuated with her. But it can be one of her most discouraging aspects too.

Always keeping me guessing and hoping …

"We should really go. The boys are waiting for us."

… only to be thrown right back into this gruelling realism.

--

I don't think we've ever been in a ride this quiet. Usually there's always something we're talking about. Anything. Whether it would be making fun of each other musical taste while playfully fighting for the radio or share our musings about more thoughtful subjects, there was always the soothing presence of our mingling voices. But ever since we left her place, not a word was said and not one look was shared. The tension that was so evident in that familiar bedroom of hers, was successfully transferred into her car. Her eyes are transfixed on the road in front of her and her hands are tightly gripping the steering wheel. A vast contrast with her usual so relaxed and playful demeanour while our rides. With me always being the one who'd chastise her and remind her of concentrating on her driving. When in reality, I loved nothing more. I loved every single bit of attention she adorned me with. Every single minute she spent with me and no one else. Every meaningful moment she shared with me and not with him. At times I feel like I'm in constant competition for her attention with every person who was mesmerized with her. But the thought of it only is absurd. Because she has been there for me since day one. Since that fateful day in which I dropped my popsicle in the park, cried my heart out and an unknown brown eyed girl with a toothy smile offered me hers. Stating that her mommy always said that "_pwetty girls shouldn't cry_".

No, it doesn't even come close to a contest and everyone is aware of that. My mother always preached to me about the seven sins and warned me about every temptation. But those completely vanish from my mind when it comes to Ashley. The greed that surfaces in me when I'm around her, goes to great lengths. All the touches and gentle moments that we're not between me and her, made me seethe of jealousy. Ashley Davies is my sin on herself.

We stop at a red sign and I feel her shifting nervously towards me. I take a few seconds before I mirror her posture and face her too. We simultaneously crack a nervous smile and just like that we re-enter the easiness of our friendship and momentarily leave behind any tension we created.

"I … uh … I just-" She rambles quietly, shifting her gaze back and forth from my eyes to her fidgeting hands. I place my hand on top her trembling ones.

"You just what?" I ask quietly.

"You just look really pretty tonight, Spencer. Well, every night I mean. And day. But tonight even more." She tells me bashfully, ducking her head in the process. I don't think I ever seen her this timid and reserved, but it simply makes her all the more charming to me. Combine that with the sweet message she's passing me through and my internally swooning state can only be analyzed as a normal reaction.

"Thank you." I tell her with a bright smile, after tipping her head back up. "But you already told me that." I tease lightly in effort to hide my ecstatic state of mind.

" I know. I just wanted to remind you in case your date doesn't. Guys are stupid like that sometimes." She chuckles nervously, shifting my hand that is on hers until they're completely entwined.

"It's not what is said that is important. It's the person that says it and the sincerity of it that matters. I don't need to hear it anymore from anyone else." I say slowly, my eyes completely fixated on hers. Gauging any reaction to this statement and any possibly hidden message she might have caught or not. She motionlessly keeps looking at me with her darkened eyes, unconsciously tightening the grip on my hand. She opens her mouth and is about to talk when a loud claxon brings us out of our reverie. The car behind us reminding us that we're finding ourselves on a heavy trafficked crossroad. We both jump apart at the sound and return to our previous position. Acting as if we we're caught doing something we weren't supposed to do.

And just like we easily fell into our comfortable state, we now fall easily back into this tension-felled atmosphere. If we find ourselves in this situation now, I can only nervously await what's still ahead of us tonight.


	5. Chapter 4

"So, what do you think of him." She asks me, nudging my shoulder to grasp my attention. I look towards the guys who're getting us drinks from the bar, before shifting my gaze back the empty glass in front of me.

"He's nice I guess." I shrug indifferently.

"Calm down, Spence. Don't get too excited on me." She jokes at my apathy, "Seriously though."

I couldn't deny the fact that he was indeed a nice guy and pretty well-behaved. But I couldn't really say anything more, since the conversation between us has been non-existent. I've been stealthily avoiding it through some in-group chatting. We haven't gone further than the formal introductions. So, I can't really say I've formed a decent opinion of him yet. I was more concerned about the kisses that we're trailing up and down Ashley's neck and the soft hand that wasn't clasped with mine.

"You know what I mean. He's sweet but I haven't really talked to him, so yeah …" I explain my lethargic state.

She's about to tell me something when the guys arrive with our drinks.

"Drinks for the pretty girls." Joel says, smirking smugly at the both of us. The only thing it evokes is a well disguised shudder of disgust. I'll never be able to see him in a good daylight. The fact that he gets to fill such an important position in Ashley's life and still take it for granted, makes me dislike him a little more every single day.

"Joel, let's leave the drinks here and dance. I don't think I can keep still any longer." She says while standing up. She takes Joel's hand in hers and drags him away before he can protest. I follow her sashaying form in disbelief, before she turns around and gives me a knowing wink.

I gloomily slump my body into my seat and await the awkward conversation and uncomfortable silences. A few nervous coughs are made as we look around the club, before Gaël finally starts talking.

"So …"

"So …" I respond while shredding an innocent napkin into a million pieces.

"This is awkward." He says, scratching the back of his neck nervously. For a moment I feel for him and any of his expectations of having a nice night out. He was probably hoping to make the best out of this date, whereas I've been dreading it the moment I heard about it. It isn't a fair game and I've been taught better. So I heave a sigh and urge myself to give it my best shot.

"I'm sorry, I'm not helping. I'm not really into the whole date-scene." I try to explain. Effectively leaving behind that it was the girl that set us up, that I was interested in.

"Oh, no please don't apologize. I'm not really helping either." He laughs quietly. "Can't say that I'm not a little nervous to be dating Ashley's girl."

My head snaps at he's description of me and my heart starts to thump at an alarming pace. For a moment, I'm afraid that someone has finally seen right through me and caught me red-handed. But than the rational part of me kicks in and intercepts the real meaning of it. I take a large gulp of my drink to settle down my nerves, before I can finally address him again.

"She gave you the third degree, didn't she?" I ask warily, knowing how intense those can get.

"Oh, that she did." He laughs, raising his eyebrows in remembrance. "I usually have a great way in charming the parents of my dates, but Ashley was quite different I must say."

I try my best not to laugh at the thought of it, but that's easier said than done and it doesn't take long before I'm in the middle of a fit of giggles. If there's one thing you never have to try with Ashley in order to convince her of something, it's to charm your way on her good side. It will only infuriate her more and make her trust you even less than before.

"Oh you think this is funny, huh?" He admonishes amused.

I barely manage to let out a muffled no, but the sincerity of it is completely lost by the uncontrollable giggles.

"You think it's funny that she locked me up in a deserted and dark basement and cross-examined me during 5 hours?" He tells me, making sure to stress the 'five' a little bit harder.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." I tell him partly serious, but mostly amused. I should feel genuinely sorry for him and thank him for still sticking around after _that_. But he isn't even close to enter my mind in that way. My mind is too occupied with a feisty brunette, who's smile could melt your heart and who's eyes could make you feel as if you're the only person around.

"Sure you are." He smiles knowingly. He takes his beer bottle and gently tips it to the side, pointing it towards the dance floor. "She's very protective of you, huh?" He says more in the form of an observation, than a genuine question.

"Oh, not of me specifically." I say, trying to minimalize her behavior. "It's just who she is." I shrug, keeping my eyes on the couple in front us. Trying hard to not look dejected at the hands that are possessively on her hips and the bright smile that isn't directed towards me.

"Yeah, I doubt that." He scoffs, "I think she'd rather have Joel cheat on her than have you dating someone else." My eyes are instantly drawn back to his and I frown my eyebrows in confusion. Not really understanding where that thought came from and why he suddenly had the need to let me know.

"Wh-" Any possible response of mine is cut short as I see an infuriated Ashley pop ahead of me and hear an aggravated Joel calling her name repeatedly.

"Ashley, what's-"

"We're leaving Spencer." She interjects me emotionlessly, taking my hand in hers and tugging me on my feet. I throw a questioning look to Gaël, but he seems even more clueless than I am.

"Ashley stop acting like an idiot." Joel says from behind us. I instantly wriggle myself out of Ashley's grip and turn around to face him.

"Don't you ever call her that again. You got me? Ever." I hiss under my breath, digging my finger harshly into his chest. I make my stance by not averting my angered eyes from his and he rapidly gets the message by turning around and leaving us behind. I feel my hand engulfed by hers again and before I know it, I'm being dragged out of the club without one word being said. Not even leaving me the chance to say a proper goodbye to Gaël.

"Ashley, what's wrong?" I ask following her lead outside. The empty lot is only filled with the sound of our click-clacking heels.

"Nothing's wrong. I just want to go home." She tells me aggravated, increasing her pace along the way. I untangle my hand from hers and stop my running.

"You went from being all giggly and completely draped over Joel to dragging me out there foaming from the mouth." I respond, raising my voice a little in the process. I can't help but release a bit of venom and bitterness in that statement, unable to hide my jealousy anymore. Unconsciously trying to make her feel guilty for pushing me towards a guy that does not interest me in the slightest and opting to throw herself to her boyfriend instead of staying there with me. I'm usually able to leave those jealous feelings on the inside and act indifferently on the outside. But this whole night, with me being stuck with a person I felt unaffected by and seeing her give herself completely to him made something snap in me. But the reason that we're out here now, means that she hasn't been having the greatest night either. And with that thought, I already regret my condescending tone.

She stops midway and heavily sighs. She stays like that for a moment, completely motionless looking in front of her, before she finally turns around to face me. Her traits have gone from completely luminescent to distressed and weary in the space of just a few moments. Her posture is stiff and unnatural, displaying her evident emotional drowsiness. Whatever happened between them must've been serious, because Ashley isn't this easily beaten down. And just for that moment, I contemplate to get back in and finish what I started. Not caring about whatever that was said and done. Only concerned about her and nothing else.

"I'm sorry I dragged you out. I wasn't thinking. You should go back inside. I'll wait in the car until you're ready to go." She tells me dejectedly. I shake my head in disbelief and quickly cross the remaining space between us, immediately taking her hands in mine.

"Ashley, no, no." I croak out, barely able to contain my tears after seeing her drenched eyes. "I don't want to go back. I'm sorry for stressing you like this. I just really don't like seeing you sad." I whisper into the night, giving her hands a reassuring squeeze. "What did he do?"

"Nothing, he's just an asshole." She says, ducking her head and shaking it lightly.

"Want me to go back inside and kick his ass?" I tell her half-jokingly, half-seriously. I'm just as protective of her as she is for me. She's just a lot more upfront and in your face about it. There isn't one person in school who's scared of me physically when it comes to approaching Ashley. Whereas Ashley completely was. You could mess with her all you want, but if you were smart you'd never hit her where it hurt most. I don't think I have to tell you where that is by now.

"You? I'd say you'd fight like a girl, but that would be an insult to us." She jokes, managing to flash a genuine smile in the process. No, I definitely wasn't intimidating physically, but the aura that surrounded us when we were in each others vicinity was enough for anyone to back off. People would only get closer, if we would invite them to. Nothing ever happened on their behalf. Everything was controlled from our part. Same goes unfortunately for Joel. I can only hope that it won't be the same for Gaël. He seemed fun and sweet and is probably a perfect boyfriend. But I wasn't interested in that. And the last thing I need, is another person to get in between us.

"Hey!" I shriek offended, lightly punching her arm in the process. "I wouldn't be such a wuss, if you didn't fight all my battles for me." I laugh, brushing my hands up and down her chilled arms. "I never got the chance to toughen up."

"Well, I'd hate to see your pretty face get messed up." She tells me with the hint of a smile. "I don't want you to ever get hurt."

The sincerity with how she says it, confirms everything I've already mentioned. There isn't one person with whom I feel more at ease and safe than Ashley. A lot of people have a specific person for every situation and moment. Most of them find their counterpart in their best friend, girl- or boyfriend and family. It's very rare to have someone that fulfills all of those positions so effortlessly. Just needing that one person for everything at all times. Ashley is that person for me. Never leaving me with any doubt as to who might accompany where or who I could possible call in the middle of the night for comfort.

"Same here." I respond after a few beats. I know that she understands what I'm fishing for without really saying the words again. The last thing I want to do, is to make her feel as if I'm pressuring her to talk to me. There never was any need for pressure or demands in our friendship and I don't ever want that to change between us. She looks me straight in the eyes and I can sense her contemplating something in her mind. She raises her head to the night sky after a while and sighs deeply into the air.

"God, you can't even see one star in this fucked up place." She whispers, not taking her eyes off the sky. I join her in the sky-watching and take in the dark and looming night. Noticing that there's indeed not one little starlet who might faintly light up the sky.

"Can you see the stars in Ohio? I know it's a long time ago but do you remember any of it?" She asks me, with her gaze still shifted upwards. I drag my own eyes to her face and away from the view. I take in her relaxed yet reflective expression, gauging the meaning behind that question. She could do that sometimes. Suddenly asking something completely random about me. Or something that isn't so random, but completely out of the context of what we were talking about. I never questioned her on it. It's one of the many things I enjoy in our conversations. Knowing that it could take any direction at all times. They are always perfectly unpredictable. Just like our friendship.

"Yeah, you can." I croak out hoarsely, "I don't remember much, but I do remember the stars. They're breathtaking." I whisper, my eyes roaming every inch of her angelic face. Straining myself from adding 'like you'. Instead, I swallow my too intimate words and leave them to hide like I'm used to by now. She then lowers her own head to look me straight in the eye.

"Will you take me there someday?" She asks as me, nervously biting her lip. I tilt my head to the side and I can't stop a lazy smile from adorning my features. I raise my hand to her mouth and lightly brush my thumb over her moist lip in a rare moment of collected calmness and bold braveness.

"Whenever you're ready." I promise her, slowly lowering my lingering finger from her face. Unconsciously reviving a personal version of her action earlier that night. She catches my hand in half-descent with her own and entwines them in an automated move.

"Come on." She says as she lightly starts tugging my hand. "I wanna sleep in your arms tonight."

And with that hushed declaration, she leads me towards her car and just a little deeper into that little whirlwind of hers. And for once I will not daunt in what might be. I'll simply bask it what already is.

"Spence?" She says right before entering the car. I look over the top and tilt my head in acknowledgement.

"Dress or no dress. You really _are_ beautiful."


	6. Chapter 5

I drowsily open my eyes and try to wriggly myself further into her embrace. Expect, I don't sense a soothing body beside mine nor do I feel her reassuring arms around my waist. I silently promised her that she could sleep in my arms last night and she did. Snuggling into my embrace as much as she could and wordlessly asking me to hold her and never let go. But somewhere it the middle of the night, our positions changed and I rapidly became the hugged one once again. I didn't mind it one bit.

I sleepily whine as I helplessly search for her presence on the bed without opening my eyes, but I'm met with nothing. I sigh despondently and contemplate if I should get up, but the urge to go back to sleep is too great and I soon find myself snuggling into her comfortable pillow. I'm slowly drifting off when I hear two familiar raised voices. I immediately shoot alarmed up from the bed and rapidly untangle myself from the silk sheets. I pad my way through her bedroom, letting myself being led by their voices and stop at the slightly ajar bedroom door. I secretly glance through it and notice them both facing each other head to toe with defied expressions on their faces. I unconsciously ball my hands into fists, but strain myself from barging in on them and their obvious argument.

"What the hell has gotten in to you so suddenly." She hisses under her breath, in effort to not wake me up. Little did she know, that I'm a front seat spectator to their fallout.

"What has gotten into _me_? You dare to ask me what has gotten in to me, huh?" He asks incredulously, raising his voice along the way.

"Yeah, I'm asking you that. Is that question too hard to grasp for you, genius?"

"_She_ has gotten in to me!" He yells while pointing towards her bedroom. I'm relieved that neither he or Ashley take the time to look my way, but simply continue with the matter at hand.

"I told you to leave her out of this." She threatens under her breath. "This has nothing to do with her."

"This has _everything_ to do with her!" He responds, raising his arms in the air in disbelief.

I instantly feel guilty for eavesdropping on such a private conversation. Certainly when the main object is concerning me. Yet I can't seem to untangle myself from the scene in front of me and I simply keep rooted to my spot.

"Every single moment you spend with _her_. Every single time you dispose of _me_ as if I'm just a temporary entertainer until she's back in the picture. Do you even know who I am?" He asks her in a condescending tone, slowly stepping into her personal space. Noticing Ashley's sudden quiet appearance.

"I'm your boyfriend Ashley. You're supposed to be with me at all times. You're supposed to talk to _me_ about everything. You're supposed at least _want_ to do these things with me." He snarls, sending her on a guilty trip. I'm boiling on the inside, repressing every single thing I've been wanting to say ever since they started dating. To tell him how lucky he is that he gets to act as a boyfriend and not feel guilty about it. How he can touch her at all times and not be questioned about it by everyone. How he gets to say he loves her, without being afraid that she'll interpret it differently. To tell him how he has the chance to expose all of his feelings to her, without the fear of losing her.

"So, I'm supposed to throw away our friendship for a stupid boyfriend who'll probably end up cheating on me one day or the other?" She defies him, finally finding her icy demeanor and stinging tongue back.

"A stupid boyfriend you've been together with for over a year." He counters sternly.

"Exactly. And I've been together with Spencer for the last twelve years. Guess who wins." She says calmly and collected. Internally, there's a surge of relief and pride coursing through my veins. Relief because even though I know my position and the importance of it in Ashley's life, I also know Joel's position. And I understand the difficulty of finding a balance between us two. Certainly when you take in the atypical relationship we share. The pride that I felt was mostly for the way Ashley stood up to him. But even more importantly, how she stood up for me. It's one thing to stand up for me against unknown bastards, it's another thing to do so against your very own boyfriend.

"I don't know how long you've been trying to break us up, but it's never going to happen." She hisses, with her being the aggressor this time around. "Spencer and I share something, you and I will never have."

"Oh yeah and what is that?" He challenges her once again.

"Unconditional love." She tells him evenly.

A few silent beats pass by. Leaving Joel to overcome that last sting.

"Is that why you still haven't slept with me? Why you conveniently always have invited her over when I just even mention that I got the place to myself? I thought you we're a tease, not a-"

"Get out of my house, right now." She tells him in a shaky voice. The whole argument is finally getting to her and my guts wrench at the fact that I cannot reveal myself and take her in my arms.

"Look, I'm sorry-"

"I said right now!" She yells on the top of her lungs. "I don't ever want to see you again."

Just like the night before, he gets the message to not inquire any further and starts making his way towards the exit. He's about to turn the knob, when she warns him one last time.

"If you ever talk to Spencer, if you even dare to look at her, I swear I'll make your life a living hell Joel." She threatens in an irregular voice that I do not recognize as her usually so confident one. And with that last threat, he finally exists through the door and I rapidly retreat to my bed. I close my eyes once I'm laying down again, and try to process every piece of information I was just exposed to. Desperately trying to understand what was said and done and the possible consequences it could have. My musings are disturbed by a soft padding noise in the bedroom. Instantly recognizing it as her bare feet meeting with the wooden floor . I urge myself to completely stay still and pretend that I'm fast asleep. There's no need for any heavy conversation this early in the morning.

The bed slightly dips and I rapidly feel the warmth radiating from her body. Feeling her restful presence next to me, makes it only harder for me to not snuggle into her and seek some contact with her. Any contact. I guess she feels just the same way, as I feel her lightly threading her fingers through my hair. Her hand never losing its soothing rhythm, as I try to not audibly sigh at the sensation.

"You don't have to pretend you're asleep." She whispers softly. I feel the hot air from her mouth spreading over mine and it's only then that I realize just how close she probably is. I don't react to her observation, because I honestly don't know how I could respond to that. I'm finding myself somewhere in between cracking a smile and shedding a tear.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that." She continues after a moment, never stopping the movement of her hand. I inhale deeply, showing my first sign of consciousness before I finally find my voice.

"I'm sorry you had to experience it." I tell her earnestly with my eyes still firmly shut. Her hand slows down considerably, before completely coming to a halt at the back of my neck. Letting her fingers gently tickle the finer hairs there. She has a habit of always touching me in one way or the other at all times. Whether it would be completely blatant snuggling or discreet pinkies linking with the other beneath the table, there was always that omnipresent contact she'd initiate. I used to be the same. Until those touches didn't feel banal anymore. Until they started inducing the stirring of my soul and the quivering of my body. I became more and more shy about those intimate strokes, because I was afraid that one day I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore and expose my true intentions.

"I meant everything I said," She breaths out quietly. "If he doesn't like it, that he isn't worth it. You're all I need." She tells me so easily. I envy her honesty and braveness of being so bold. Of telling it how it is without beating the bush. Without being afraid of what others might think or what the consequences might be. I envy how she can say what I never could, so effortlessly.

"What did he do?" I repeat again, feeling as though she's ready to tell me this time around. She starts lightly scratching the skin of my neck and this time I can't repress the lazy sigh that escapes my mouth. Moments like these made me want us be more than just the inseparable duo. Moments in which I wanted nothing more, than to feel her swollen lips brush against my trembling ones. Moments in which we're so perfectly indolent and the movements that we make and sounds that we utter are so satisfyingly languid. These are the little fragments in my young life, that I live for these days.

"He wanted me to go with him to his place." She says stopping a couple of beats before continuing, "I wanted to go to mine with you." She finishes of in a hushed tone. I briefly wonder if there's more to come, but her even breath and lulling fingers tell me she's done. And it makes perfectly sense, because that's all it comes down to for her. It's a simple explanation at first sight, but so terribly complex when thought about.

"You didn't n-"

"Shhh." She effectively shushes me with the touch of a sole finger on my lips. "Once together …"

"Never apart." I finish the sentence after a few beats. I've barely uttered the familiar words, when I feel two warm lips pressed to my forehead. For the first time since she entered the room, my eyes flutter open. She slowly retreats and I can finally take in her features again. She looks so differently from when she was arguing with Joel. So completely relaxed and perfectly content. I see her own eyelids getting heavier with the minute and I wonder just how long she's been up and how long they've been fighting. I leisurely lift my hand to her face and tenderly close her eyelids with my fingers. She unhurriedly shifts her body until her head is resting on my chest and her arm is draped around her waist.

"Don't ever forget that." She murmurs sleepily and lightly kisses the skin above my shirt. She sighs one last time contently, before her breaths evens out completely.


	7. Chapter 6

"My mom is going to kill me."

"Your mom is not going to kill you."

"Uh, yeah she is. And then she's going to ground me for a month and I 'll never get to see you ever again." I sulkily explain. I could never handle not being with her for a certain amount of time. We we're separated for three weeks once and we both promised each other to never leave each other again. No matter what the circumstances.

Once together, never apart.

"You are such a drama queen, Carlin. We're skipping class, not setting fire to the school."

"Have you met my mom? It's the same thing for her."

"If she finds out, I'll take the blame okay." She assures me.

"No! Then I'll really never get to see you again. I'd rather blame Georgina Evans."

"Who's Georgina Evans?" She asks genuinely confused.

"Exactly."

"Ooh, Spencer lying to her parents. I like it. Besides, technically we're not really skipping. We're still on school territory and we're just taking a little break." She expertly explains. Simplifying everything and making it all seem so logical.

"Hmm, I like the way you think."

I've never been a fan of breaking any rules. Not that I never did, I was just never in a complete state of tranquility when doing so. Ashley on the other hand, lives and breathes to break each and one of them. And she happily drags me with her in doing so. And me? I happily oblige.

My worries melt underneath the hot sun and I drift my eyes shut, letting myself enjoy this moment with our sprawled bodies next to the other.

"Spence?" She asks me quietly, interrupting the peaceful silence.

"Hmm."

"How do you know that you're in love?" She asks me unwaveringly. Acting as if it was the most common question in the world. My eyes immediately shoot open in astonishment, but the rest of my body is left entirely motionless. I take of few seconds for myself to process her question and to find an adequate response. Without letting myself getting caught in this game of hide and seek. Hundreds of thoughts course through my mind. Each of them trying to trample the other, in effort to come out as the most logical one. The one that would make most sense as to why she would suddenly ask me this question now. Why would she come up with this after she broke up with Joel and not when she was still with him. Ashley and I talked about everything, but Joel and her relationship with him barely made our conversations. It's ironic in a sense, because what do normal teenage girls talk about all the time? All though, you could argue that normalcy never was a part of our bond. Ashley didn't even bother to start bringing him up when they were taking their first steps towards a relationship. The time when you're supposedly still in that honeymoon faze.

She barely mentioned him and I barely asked about him. It was one of our many unspoken arrangements.

"Uh … Why'd you ask?" I tell her in a shaky voice.

"I've just been wondering," She responds vaguely.

I let the words linger in the air and slowly close my eyes again. Needing time to think about what she's asking, what she might be wondering about and what I can say. How can I possibly give an answer to her question when it feels so close to home. When I've asked myself the same thing for months, because I wanted an answer to the feelings at the emotions she evoked within me. I was so in conflict with myself that I even asked my mother the same questioned. Her answer came in the form of something I could not feel now, because I was far too young. Because girls my age had crushes but they didn't fall in love. They were too naïve and inexperienced to really fall in love. No, according to mom I could not fall in love yet, because you only really fall in love once or twice in your life. Whereas teenagers fall in love every week. I guess I wasn't you average teenager and Ashley wasn't your average crush.

--

_"Where are we?" I ask, holding my hands out in front me. Attempting to 'feel' my way around._

_"I swear Carlin, you're the most impatient person I know." She sighs amused, leading me through the unknown place with her hands firmly placed on my hips._

_"Obviously, you haven't met one Ashley Davies yet." I joke back._

_"Is she that one really hot girl who everyone's crazy jealous about?" She asks in mock curiousness._

_"Nah, you're confusing her with Spencer Carlin."_

_"And they say I'm full of myself." She laughs amused. She brings us to a halt and I feel a cool breeze around us._

_"Seriously where are we? If you're going to kidnap me at 2 in the morning on a school night, then I need a valuable excuse." I tell her pointedly. It had been one of the rare nights in which we didn't sleep together. I should've known that she wouldn't be able to stay away a whole night._

_"Not yet, Miss Impatient. If you keep pushing me, than I'm driving you right back home and you'll never get know what your surprise is." She teasingly admonishes me._

_"Okay, okay I'll shut up." I rapidly assure her. Even if I know she'd never really bring me back. But I really want to know what the surprise is and I'm not about to endanger my chance to find it out._

_"Okay, I need you to take one step downwards. One step at a time okay, I got you." She instructs me sweetly. Tightening her grasp around my waist. In doing so, the whole front of her body is pushed firmly against my back and it takes everything within me to not lean back into her._

_"Are you trying throw me from a cliff Ms. Davies?" I ask in a unsteady voice. Failing my attempt to sound cool._

_"Damn, you got me. It had to look like a suicide. I'm not willing to do time for this."_

_"Shut up and hold me." I laugh, downing my first leg into the nothingness in front me._

_"Always." She tells me quietly but sincerely. I hesitantly down my second leg on the seemingly very wobbly surface, holding tight to the arms around me._

_"Ashley, why is the ground beneath me moving." I ask unsure. I feel her lightly jump on the surface behind me and bring her hands to the knotted blindfold._

_"Because …" She begins, pausing until she completely unties the knot. " … of this."_

_I look down and around me and no word leaves my mouth. I'm confused at first, but everything makes sense after just a few seconds._

_"I know how much you wanted to go to Venice with me and how devastated you were when your parents didn't let you. So I thought I'd bring Venice to you." She explains shyly and shrugs as if it isn't a big deal._

_"I tried to rent a gondola or whatever, but apparently you can't get one in L.A. So yeah, you'll have to improvise a bit." She tells me. She nervously bites her lip as she awaits a reaction of mine that just won't come.  
"And you know it's the not same scenery, so you'll have to improvise that too," she says, pausing a moment as if she's mulling something over. "Actually, you'll have to imagine pretty much everything." She quietly says, suddenly not so sure of herself and her little surprise._

_Little did she know that words aren't coming out of my mouth, because of how shocked I am of it all. When my parents told me that I couldn't go to Venice with Ashley, I was heartbroken. It was supposed to be our little way out from everyone and everything. Even if it was just for a few weeks. Just the thought, that I could have Ashley all to myself in one of the most beautiful cities in the world made my heart flutter. You can only imagine what I felt when they denied me that chance of serene happiness._

_"There's on thing you don't have to imagine though." She tells me cheekily. I smile at her contagious candidness and carefully cross the surface of the small rowboat._

_"Oh yeah and what is that?" I ask her sweetly, never losing the smile on my face. The small distance between us has been crossed and I wobble for a second, not used to the slightly moving surface beneath me. Her hands automatically find my hips and my arms fling around her neck. In hindsight that last move, might not have been the smartest. It is the cause as to why I'm now groaning on the deck of the boat with her laughing mercilessly on top of me. Our insistent giggles disturbs the nightly silence and I'm relieved that we're finding ourselves in the middle of nature, where no one will find us and perturb this perfect instant we're sharing._

_The laughter slowly dies down and nothing is left but the sounds of our mingling breaths and the image of our intensified gazes._

_This is my little piece of Venice._

_"Me." She answers simply._

_This is the start of Ashley becoming the end of me._

_--_

"Every part of you body starts tingling." I begin shakily, resting my eyes on the sky above me in order to find the peace that I need so much.

"At first you think it's temporary because you're just a little nervous or a bit edgy, but it never goes away. That's how it starts. It's the first sign. You'll never admit it at first though. But when it intensifies, you just can't deny it anymore." I whisper barely above the gentle breeze. She doesn't say a single word and stays perfectly still there next to me. Simply listening to whatever I have to say, without interrupting me in the slightest.

"Your heart start racing at an unnatural pace. It thumps so hard that you'd swear everyone in your vicinity can hear it beating with you. In the beginning it's just when you see or talk with them. But soon your heartbeat increases with barely the thought of them. And it gets so bad that you contemplate going to the doctor with it, because you can't possibly imagine it being healthy." I continue, reminiscing those first moments in which my heart started beating so rapidly. Thinking about the instant that I realized she was the cause of it all.

"When they touch you, even if it's just for the briefest of moments, you bless and curse them at the same time. Every sensation intensifies and you feel like each of your senses are getting overloaded. Everything they make you feel, feels so good that it aches so much when you realize that you aren't with them." I breath out truthfully, taking a moment to compose myself. It's then that I feel the faint touch of her finger touching the side of my flattened hand. It's completely innocent and barely noticeable, making you wonder if it's her touch or just the grass that's tickling my skin.

"And God, when they talk to you … When they talk to you, all your attention is completely drawn to them and what they say. Everyone and everything around you do not exist in that moment. And when you're finally brave enough to answer, your breath hitches briefly right before you utter any words. Because you're simply too baffled by them. You're already entirely under their spell and there's no way back" I sigh, watching the clouds above me form indecipherable shapes and forms.

"Your palms are always sweaty and you hope that you don't have to initiate any contact, because you don't want them to find out. No yet. I mean, what if they don't feel the same way about you?" I rhetorically ask, as I unconsciously push my own clammy palms into the ground.

"And then at night, you desperately try to sleep but you can't get them out of your head. You're awake for hours and hours just wondering what it might it feel like to be with them. And somewhere in between the hope that they feel the same and the fear that they don't, you finally catch some rest." I tell her quietly. Recalling practically all of my nights of the last year. The fact that she's more present that not in those nights, makes the matter only worse. It only confronts you even more with those painful facts. With reality never leaving you at rest, not even in the hours of darkness. On the contrary, it only increases.

"When you wake up in the morning, they're the first thing on your mind. And then you just know." I say, pausing briefly, " You know you're in love."

I let the sound of the fluttering leaves and chirping birds take over our mutual silence. I'm oddly calm and serene about everything that I just said. It's a new sensation for me, because I'm so much used to mulling over every word I say to Ashley and every action I take towards her. Afraid that one day, she'll finally see right through me. That thought doesn't even cross my mind at this point. I don't even know if I'm stilling dreading her ever finding out anymore. Just like I don't how long I can possibly keep living this lie.

My eyes are still fixated towards the sky and she's been doing the same thing, until I've uttered the final sentence of my monologue. I forgot to mention that you know when you're in love, when you can sense their eyes on you no matter how far you're apart. That no matter how crowded a room is, your eyes will always somehow find theirs. And that's exactly what I'm doing when I turn my head until my right cheek is flat on the wild grass, and her eyes are looking straight into mine.

"How do you know all of that?" She rasps quietly.

The unfamiliar serenity and calmness are still present in my body as I let my gaze shift from her brown eyes, to her cherry red lips. I look at her so completely raw and candid appearance and I wonder if this is finally it. If this is the moment where Spencer Carlin owns up to her values and ends this charade that's been going on for far too long. If this is the moment in which I'll reveal my last, but most meaningful secret to her. I wonder if this is the moment, in which Ashley Davies will become more than just a best friend or in which I will lose her completely. Here under the high midday sun and above the untamed grass, we lay completely peaceful and content. In our blissful ignorance, we are at our happiest and who am I to ruin that for the both of us. Who am I, to tarnish something so unique and pure for my own needs.

"Spencer." She whispers evenly. Never once, shifting her eyes from mine.

"How do you know that, Spencer?" She asks me a second time. The heaviness of those words, the beauty of this day and the undying adoration I have for her, makes something shift inside me. Makes the little braveness I just displayed, intensify to unknown levels.

"I-"

"Now, I'm not an attendee-expert, but I'm pretty sure lunch passed an hour ago." A warm and familiar voice interrupts me. For the second time in just a few days, we jump apart from our trance. We both look at the person in front us and I wonder whether I should thank him or curse him.

"Gaël." I utter neutrally. I see Ashley looking at him, before shifting her gaze back at me. She keeps repeating that action a few times before hastily getting up.

"Uhm .. I forgot, I have too .. uh.. I have to see Ms. Reynolds." She stutters, not raising her eyes from the ground. "I'm going to leave you both alone. See you later."

And with that she rapidly escapes the scene, in which all was about to finally unfold. Maybe we're just not meant to be.


	8. Chapter 7

I whine in my pillow at the insistent knocking I hear around me. I barely got some sleep and I can't believe I have to wake up already. When the noise gets louder with the second, I decide to finally open my eyes and get up. The last thing I expect to see is the darkness that the room is still surrounded with. I drowsily look at my clock radio and immediately understand why I'm still so terribly tired. 4.25 am. That means I slept little over an hour. Sleeping in the same bed with Ashley made it hard for me to grant my mind and body some rest. Sleeping without Ashley just made it a million times worse.

I look around the bedroom to deter from where the sound is coming and my eyes immediately fall upon a familiar form at the other side of the windowpane. It isn't the first time that this happened so I don't have to think twice on who that might be. Ashley had successfully mastered the art of tree-climbing. Mastered might be a big word, scraps and bruises were still made. But she managed herself quite well. Better than me at least.

I jump out of my bed and make my way towards the closed window. I gesture her to back up a little so that I can open up the pane. After I do so, I reach for her chilled hands and pull her inside. The little jump she makes from the sill isn't very graceful or effective and it causes her to topple right into me. I barely manage to hold us both up and keep us from falling down on the ground. Her hands are on my waist and she's giving me that look that I became so familiar with through the years. The intensity of her gaze is only deepened by the darkened room and I suddenly feel so exposed. But unlike with any other person, it doesn't scare me nor does it make me flinch and shut myself off from her. It wouldn't work anyway. She knows me too well.

"Are you cold?" I ask her quietly, brushing my hands up and down her arms. Unsuccessfully trying to smooth each and one of her goosebumps there.

"No." She answers me simply. I'm about to ask her about the chill bumps then, but something in me tells me to leave the question to myself. Instead, I simply keep bringing my hands up and down her arms in the frenzied state that I find myself in. Feeling absolutely hypnotized under the spell of her eyes. She always told me that she was jealous of my eyes. Of how vibrant they are and how they seem to change of color at the same pace as the weather. She fails to acknowledge that her eyes are the only ones that are worth envying. I never knew that a simple color as brown could have so many varieties, until I took the time to really look in to those orbs. To completely get lost in them and endlessly drown until I couldn't save myself. She can't see the hundreds of different flecks of gold that I see within them. How they're ever changing and never the same. How they're so perfectly in sync with her emotions and feelings.

"I missed you today." I whisper quietly. I hadn't seen her since she ran away earlier today. Leaving me behind completely lost and clueless with Gaël. I didn't call her, because I wanted to give her the space she needed. There is no way that she'll ever leave me behind for practically a whole day if there wasn't a reason for her to do so. That didn't make it any less harder. It's amazing how completely lost I felt today without her. It was as if it was my first day at school, my first day in L.A., my first day at home even. Everything that usually comes so easily and happens so smoothly with her, came so terribly hard and happened so stiffly today. It only got worse when the seat next to mine stayed empty throughout the course of dinner. It's Thursday and that means that Ashley stays over with me tonight. With us, because the whole family got accustomed to our relationship and our nightly sleepovers. It didn't take long for Ashley to charm her way into our family. She has become one of us.

"Me too." She tells me genuinely, lightly pinching my hipbone in the process. "I'm sorry I just up and left and didn't let you know anything."

I softly smile at her guilty expression. How can I not smile at this girl that's been nothing but amazing to me since I met her. This girl that never failed me and always put me on the first place no matter what. The fact that she doesn't think twice about what she does, makes her all the more endearing to me. She might act cocky and confident and even bratty when others are around. But she's so entirely different with me, without losing those rough edges I love so much about her.

"You don't have to be sorry." I say, lowering my hands until they're clasping hers. "You'll have to apologize to dad though. He was disappointed that his biggest culinary fan was absent." I tell her amused, making her laugh quietly. "He did leave you your portion though, incase you would still come. Guess he's got you figured out." I tease playfully.

"Guess he does." She retorts without missing a beat. The room is now coated with the faint glow of the moon. And it only increases her already natural radiance, somehow making her look so innocent and vulnerable.

"Do you wanna go eat it?" I ask her, remembering she had skipped lunch today.

"Nah," She answers, untangling one of her hands from mine. "I came to see you." She continues, brushing my messy locks to a side. "Good food is a bonus, but it can wait." She finishes, resting her hand on my cheek. I'm glad that my room is dark, because I don't think anything else could hide the blush on my cheeks at this point.

"Lets go to bed." She whispers, as she slowly untangles herself from me. For a moment, I simply stand rooted to my spot. Stupidly gawking at her amused expression (which is no doubt caused by my gawking in the first place), before I finally shake myself out of my reverie and retreat to my bed. I set myself at the head of the bed, tightly hugging my knees to my chest. She sits at the foot of the bed, her back facing me, so that she can take off her shoes. Her shirt rises just enough to let her tattoo peak out and I can't help but smile to myself.

--

_  
"Does it hurt?" I ask her while I trace the still reddened flesh. Completely mesmerized and entranced by the different shapes one simple line could take._

"Like hell." She groans from in her pillow.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I quickly say, carefully lifting my hand from her back. I see her shifting her head from the pillow, until she's facing me and flashes me a smile.

"It's okay. You've got cold hands. It feels good, actually." She assures me and I hesitantly bring my hand back to her scorching skin. I shift my body until I'm fully lying down and gently start tracing the freshly-put-tattoo. She closes her eyes and lets out a content sigh.

"Did your mom already see it?" I ask her absentmindedly. The movement of my finger is never-ending, not once faltering in the process. Her treats show me that she's completely at ease at this instant and I can't help but feel the same way. There's something so terribly intimate about this moment. I can practically feel her sensing the same things as I do.  
"Spence, you and I both know that I'd be gone by now if she did." She tells me with a hint of a smile.

"I can't imagine ever being away from you." I whisper despondently. The thought of it only makes my heart ache and I try to suppress any idea of her ever leaving me behind.

"Will you search for me if I ever would?" She asks me without missing a beat. I briefly stop my finger right above the hem of her jeans. I let it linger there for awhile, before I pick up my cadence once again.

"I'd follow you everywhere." I respond genuinely and evenly. Needing her to know that we're in this together and nothing could ever prevent me from always going back to her. She'll always be the safe haven that I'll never fail to leave behind. No matter what the time, no matter what the situation.

"Really?" She asks me on such an innocent, insecure and childlike manner, that it makes my stomach flutter. I flatten the whole of my hand over the small of her back and gently start stroking her skin.

"Once together .." I say, hesitantly bringing my hand under her shirt. I continue stroking her smooth back up her spine and back down to her tattoo. I hear her breathing getting shallower with the moment and I wonder for how long I can get away with this, without getting caught red-handed. Feeling like I'm in a constant challenge, where I have to find just how far I can push the envelope.

"Never apart." She answers, before sinking her teeth into her lower lip.

"Does that feel good?" I ask in a voice that I do not recognize as mine. Stroking her delicate skin with a hand that seems completely unattached from my body. Answering to its on will, on not my common sense.

"Yeah." She breaths out hoarsely. Seemingly residing in an entirely different place and situation.

"That's how you make me feel everyday." I whisper so softly that it makes me wonder if she even heard it.

--

The strong arms that encircle my waist bring me out of my recollections. I feel her drape her semi-naked leg over mine and my breath hitches. No matter how much she does this, I never seem to get used to it. Every touch, every feel, every stroke, is completely different from the last. And every emotion, every feeling, every sensation she induces within me, is stronger than the previous one.

"What you told me today," She whispers right by my ear. "I've never felt that with Joel. Ever." She carries on, tangling her fingers with mine. "I wanna feel that too." My heart is beating wildly in chest and I can't imagine her not feeling it vibrate through her body.

" I think …" She pauses to heavily sigh upon my exposed shoulder. "I think it would be really nice." She whispers after a few moments. I close my eyes and let her words gently wash over me.

"I think so too." I finally retort. There isn't much more my voice allows to say and something tells me, it's the only thing she needs to hear. The only thing she needs to know at right this moment. Any other revelations are still too secreted to be unveiled.

"Goodnight, Spence." She says, burying her face in my hair just like every other night.

"Goodnight Ash." I answer. And just like every other night, I wonder how much sleep I really am going to catch.

I feel her snuggling closer to me, not leaving one inch between us. I guess I can always sleep during my history class. There's no way I'll be getting any of it tonight. Somehow, I don't mind it one bit.


	9. Chapter 8

"God, I don't think I can stay here another 4 hours." She groans placing her head on my shoulder.

"We'll get through this together." I laugh quietly. She hums something intelligible in response, silently proclaiming her dissatisfaction.

It's been a week since those heavy and heartfelt words were said. The meaning of my confession was clear in my eyes, but I had no idea if she picked up on it or not. On the one hand it scared me so much to think that she understood my hidden messages and that she finally discovered how I truly felt for her. What my hidden hopes and wishes were for us. On the other hand it felt relieving. Having her finally know the truth, without the whole fall-out afterwards. Because surely, if she did understand me and didn't agree with it, she would've left me by now. But there's that gnawing voice in the back of my head telling me why she didn't address it then. Why everything fell back in to place like before. Like nothing ever occurred. Like I hadn't confessed all of the feelings I feel towards her, even if her name was never mentioned. Like she hadn't openly declared to me that she never was in love with Joel.

"Hey, at least you guys don't have Williams. I swear that guy is the cure to insomnia." Gaël jokes from across the table. He has been hanging out with us more and more lately. Unlike a lot of other people, I didn't really mind his presence. You could feel that he never truly wanted to interfere between us. He sensed the uneasiness and awkwardness he created after the skipping-incident and he has always taken some distance from us since then. Only hesitantly joining us when Ashley or I invited him to. It wasn't mentioned, but he had clearly taken his space from Joel too. Joel on his turn quickly became a distant memory in our minds. He hadn't talked to either one of us since that morning he came to Ashley's. He didn't once made the effort to even come and see her, let alone me. I had expected him to confront me one moment or the other, but the situation never occurred. Maybe it was because Ashley barely left my side all this time. Sticking with me even more than usually, if that's even possible. Maybe he didn't want to drag it out any longer and just move on. But people didn't just give up on Ashley. Something didn't feel right, but I just couldn't put my finger on it quite yet.

" Better you than me, Gaël." She drawls amused, shifting her head a little so she can look his way. "I'm not a fan of Chem or Biology, but I'm just glad that little ol' Spencer here is keeping me company." She says as she affectionately squeezes my thigh beneath the table. She had made sure we shared every single class together, which pretty much meant she signed up for everything I'm interested in. She says it's easier, since she's completely indifferent to anything scholastic. Or so she says. I know better of course.

"You just use me for my impeccable notes." I scoff in mock annoyance, eliciting laughs from both the girl beside me and the boy across of me.

"Hmm, that too. It would be a crime to not exploit your intelligence once and awhile." She chuckles from the crook of my neck. I giggle quietly as I settle my gaze on Gaël who's completely lost in his thoughts. Sporting a faraway look as he's clearly thinking something over. I look at him sceptically as to why he suddenly shifted to such seriousness in the space a few seconds. But Ashley interferes my thoughts with her lazy voice.

"You heading home first or are you directly going to my place?" She asks from down my shoulder. I'm going to stay over at hers tonight for our infamous movie night. Infamous might be just a bit exaggerated. We basically watch movie after movie at her place until we fall asleep on her couch. Waking the next day in diverse positions, but somehow always in each others arms, to the sounds of a still buzzing TV. These nights are comfortable, restful and so amazingly satisfying.

"Home. You know how OCD my folks are when it comes to getting my work done." I sigh slightly despondent. I'd much rather head to her place as soon as school's out. My parents had tried to lay down the law a few times, going as far to tell us that we could only spend the night with each other once a week. Preferably in the weekend. But somewhere between the numerous times they found Ashley snuggled up beside me in the morning after tucking me in alone and my nightly sneaking out to her place, they gave in. Now the nights we didn't spend together were rare at most and perceived with surprised and confused faces. They do have a few conditions though. One of them is getting all my schoolwork done and checked by them before I leave to her place. A rule I happily oblige to.

She softly hums in response and I feel her shifting her gaze to Gaël, who still has a distant look in his eyes.

"You should come." She suddenly says to him. Successfully surprising us both..

"Huh?" He utters, clearly residing in a bemused state. I wonder if he even heard one word that was said between us. And even if he did, we hadn't said anything that would make him understand our plans.

"Movie night at my place. Just you, me and Spence." She explains and I involuntarily flinch at the mention of him in combination of us. It's an automatism I've build up with Joel and it seemingly transfers to any person that gets between us. Even if I don't really perceive the person as a threat. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Oh no, I don't want to intrude." He says rapidly bringing up his hands for emphasis. " Besides I got an essay due next week that I really should start working on." He explains while nervously scratching the back of his neck.

"Stop searching for ridiculous excuses, Frenchie." She teases as she lifts her head from my shoulder. "Spence you don't mind, don't you?" She asks me while she fixes her gaze on me. Flashing me an enticing smirk and accompanying wink.

"Of course not." I reply quietly still looking at her and not him. "You should come. It'll be fun." I smile genuinely as I finally shift my gaze towards Gaël. He seems to mull it over first, looking over from me to Ashley and then back to me. He stops his movements after a few moments and nods his head in acceptance.

"Okay, it's a date then."

--

I give Gaël a small bowl of popcorn before I plop myself on the couch beside him. Leaving a safe distance between the two of us. Ashley soon follows from the kitchen carrying 3 chilled beers and a glass of ice tea on the rocks. My absolute favourite. She sets two beers on the table, hands one to Gaël and gives me my ice tea.

"Since you're our guest Gaël, the movie is your choice. Just pick out whatever you like from the rack." She says, motioning towards her lengthy DVD-collection by the wall.

"Cool, thanks." He says as he gets up and walks towards the shelves. He immediately starts his search for a suitable DVD, when I feel Ashley grabbing my free hand as she slowly starts tugging me up. She looks at me confused as if to say why I was sitting there in the first place and I simply follow her to our trustworthy loveseat. It's where we always sit when we're having our movie nights and I usually don't have to think twice before I set myself there, but tonight was different. Tonight we had a guest, whereas usually it's just the two of us. There never were any friends or boyfriends present no matter what. Unlike our Friday night outs this rule never changed, not even with the acceptance of Joel. And even though I liked Gaël more than I ever liked Joel, his presence didn't make me less nervous. I can't help but feel a form of fretfulness that usually is not present during these satisfying evenings. A fear and an unawareness of how to act and not act. How to perceive his intruding presence and her welcoming familiarity.

She takes the drink from my hand and sets it on the table, before she sits on the seat. Her hand never losing contact with mine as she shifts herself until she's completely comfortable. She then spreads her legs a bit before tugging my hand, gesturing me to set myself between them. I hesitate a bit as I warily look over to Gaël who's still engrossed by Ashley's impressive collection. She pulls at my hand again and flashes me a questioning stare, seemingly unable to understand any of my conflict. Of course she doesn't understand. She isn't the one who's dealing with prohibited feelings and ulterior motives. I smile shyly up at her, before I finally sit on the couch and she instantly wraps her arms around my waist. She wriggles a bit until she's satisfied with how we're both seated, hugging me more closely to her in the process.

"You want me to grab a blanket?" She whispers sweetly and closely to my ear. So close that I can feel her lips brushing against the shell of my ear, making me slightly shiver. I open my mouth to answer her, but not a word dares to come out as I still feel her heavily breathing right beside my ear. My mind's completely clouded and the thoughts that flood my mind have nothing to do with a friendly movie night or the need to have a blanket wrapped around me to feel safe and warm. The only safety and warmth I need is hers and she's providing me with plenty of that.

"Spence?" She inquires after I fail to respond once again. I silently curse myself for letting her addictive touch get to me again. Completely dictating my every move or in this case non-move. It's been getting harder these days. It seems that every singly bottled up emotion, feeling and hidden truth are about burst out one way or the other and I'm just terrifyingly awaiting the mess that it will bring with it.

"Uh … no thanks. I'm good." I stutter out while I lightly shift my gaze to her.

"You sure?" She asks me cautiously. The concerned look in her eyes makes me wonder if she's still talking about the blanket. But I leave those fleeting thoughts behind to quietly assure her with a gracious smile.

"I'm fine." I whisper and snuggle back into her. I try to tell myself that I'm only doing it to sooth her doubts a bit, but the thought is so ridiculously pathetic. Nonetheless, the move seems to work as she loosens up her body, enjoying our familiar intimacy once again.

"Hey, are you guys up for a double dosage of Kill Bill?" Gaël finally pipes up as he turns around to face us. His surprise is evident when he sees us all snuggled up together and I even notice a faint blush instantly gracing his cheeks. He has never seen us this close, this intimate and this comfortable with the other before. Ever since he made that comment in the club, I wondered if he had an inkling of what was going on. Everyone is always hesitant to intrude our out of the ordinary friendship, but he seemed different. Sometimes he had this look in his eyes that made me think that his thoughts were one step ahead of the others. And that thought scares me. Because it took me so long to figure this out myself, to finally understand what I was feeling and to actually accept it. It frightened me to think that someone who had just entered our lives figured it out so rapidly. My body suddenly stiffens in self consciousness and my hands shift to the neutral territory of the couch. Silently, but mostly pitifully, convincing him that any of his wandering thoughts and beliefs are utterly wrong. Persuading him to think like all the others, like Ashley even. Encouraging him to take in our intimate friendship as just that and nothing more. Even if it hurts me so much to think like that. Even if the painful lump in my throat is increasing with those simple thoughts. Even if the soft hands that are now tenderly rubbing my stomach beneath my shirt are making every inch of my body tingle. And effectively killing off the credibility of my already pathetic arguments

"Excellent choice, Mr. Courtois. But you'll have to check with dear Spencer here. She gets a little queasy around blood." I faintly hear her joking behind me, affectionately pinching my hip along the way. I don't say a thing as I simple look at him clearly feeling completely clueless when he's really terribly sharp. Despite his uncomfortable appearance, he never once takes his eyes off of us. Shifting his gaze from my face to her wandering hands. He's completely silent just like me, but his look reveals more than any declaration ever could.

"Spencer?" I hear her soft voice breaking the intense tension that's filling the air and I urge myself to end my stillness.

"Yeah, sure. No problem." I retort a little too rapidly, a little too shakily.

"Okay," She sighs tenderly in my ear. "If it's too much, just tell me okay?" She assures me warmly. Gaël's presence is completely lost on her as she silently urges me to look back at her. I whisper a soft 'okay' as I look into her kind eyes, momentarily forgetting about the problem at hand. She smiles kindly in response, before she innocently pecks the tip of my nose. I bashfully look down, this time not only because of her perturbing stare. But mostly because of the one presumptuous element in this room. The one person beside me, that finally unfolded my deepest secret.


	10. Chapter 9

I never thought there could be a state in which I would find myself so delightfully comfortable and terribly apprehensive at the same time. Yet that's how I've been feeling throughout the whole course of the evening. Feeling her warmth engulfing me completely and the omnipresence of her soft hands on my skin. Never daring to shift one inch because I was afraid I'd somehow lose contact. That I'd somehow be brought out of the frenzy she's continuously causing. I couldn't possible detach myself from her, no matter what the situation. Even if emerald eyes have been observing every single touch and stroke since the beginning of the movie. Desperately trying to be as subtle as possible, but unable to do so. I caught him too many times for him to be seen as refrained. Each and every single time his gaze would linger a little too long on her wandering hands, my heart would beat just a little faster. Not only because of her addictive touch this time around, but also because of his possible perception of it all. Yet, I'm too caught up in her embrace too step away from the scene. She has that ability. To enamor me completely without she even knows it. Bringing me under her spell and directing every single action I make or don't make. How can you expect from me to disengage myself from slender fingers that delicately trace my skin along the hem of my jeans? That every once and awhile dare to stop their agonizing movement so they can hook themselves in the waistband of those same jeans. How do I start thinking coherently enough to not give into her touch and contain my self for the sake of the guarding of my secret?

Gaël suddenly rises from his seat and her grasp immediately tightens while my body tenses. He bashfully faces us and it only causes me to uncharacteristically stiffen in her embrace. Suddenly thrown back into this cold shower that is reality. In which my feelings are supposed to be hidden from the judging eye. Ashley on the other hand is completely unfazed and brings her hands over my arms. Brushing them up and down in an agonizingly slow manner.

"Uhm … I need to go to the bathroom." He says as he lands his gaze on anything but us. I awkwardly shift in her embrace that suddenly feels far too intimate and personal.

"You can use the one in my room. Just down the corridor, last door. Can't miss it." She answers as unwaveringly as her touch. That seemingly only increases in intimacy and profoundness as the seconds ticks by. He briefly nods before he turns around and starts walking towards the corridor. Leaving us in our still too private position in this room, in this night that normally is only meant for us and no one else. I feel her soft fingers trickle up and down my arms and I start relaxing into her once more. Briefly enjoying our time alone before it gets interrupted again.

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?" She suddenly asks me in an even voice, surprising me along the way. I frown my brows towards the screen in front of me, wondering if just like Gaël, I was failing miserable in my attempt to act subtle. I hesitantly shift so that I can face her, but find her eyes locked on the TV in front of us. Unreadable expression painting her features.

"What do you mean, what's wrong? Nothing's wrong." I shakily retort, hoping that she'll somehow look over my hesitance and leave the issue behind. Her eyes stay fixated in front of her, just like her fingers never stop their route on my arms. Successfully confusing me to no end.

"You shifting and tensing the moment Gaël just dares to look our way." She states as she finally shifts her eyes to mine. Catching me entirely off guard with her blunt statement and her now intense gaze. Effectively shutting me up completely. I open and close my mouth a few times, unable to find the right words to help me out of this delicate situation. After a couple futile attempts to say anything remotely interesting, I simply turn myself away from her gaze and settle my eyes back on the screen in front of me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I respond stubbornly, suddenly wishing that Gaël would just come back already. Replacing this painfully truthful moment with our previous awkwardness. She sighs dejectedly right by ear when I feel her put her chin on my shoulder.

"Why is it that you aren't tensing now?" She whispers, emphasizing her point by brushing her hands down my arms until they're resting above mine. Effectively linking her fingers through mine when I feel her squeezing them fondly. I close my eyes, my mind too clouded by the puffs of warm air by my ear and my body too agitated by the affection of her contact.

A tentative cough brings me out of my daze and my eyes instantaneous open up. My wish has been granted as I spot Gaël right across us. Once again I feel her tightening her embrace and bringing me closer to her.

"Uh, my mom just called, she needs me for something. So I'll have to leave." He explains while gesturing nervously towards the door. Somehow I don't believe a word out of his mouth and I doubt Ashley does too. His tentative tone and insecure posture giving him away mercilessly.

"Okay." Ashley says evenly, not giving any sign of saying more or getting up from where she's seated. I simply let myself be engulfed by her hold and drawn by his eyes, feeling as a mere spectator to their barely-there-conversation.

"Okay." He repeats awkwardly, while he shifts his eyes towards the front door. "Thanks for having me over, I appreciate it." He continues in attempt to ease the obvious tension that is slowly spreading through the air. He might've appreciated the invite at lunch today, but I doubt that he's appreciating it right now. The night has been nothing but an accumulation of awkward silences and secluded moments. Moments of which he didn't make a part of. Moments like the ones we were sharing throughout the whole movie, with him being the mere bystander on the side.

"You're welcome." She answers unwaveringly, shifting our linked hands to my stomach and letting them rest there.

"I'll see you guys in school." He eventually finishes before he makes his way towards the door without another word. He briefly stands still when his hand is on the knob, looking like he's about to say one last thing. But he falters at the very last moment as he opens the door and silently makes his way out. Barely making a sound in the process, making it seem as if we were alone all this time.

We continue to simply sit there for a few moments without saying a word to the other. Soundlessly watching a feisty Uma Thurman butchering ninja after ninja. Suddenly the blood doesn't make me look away in disgust and Ashley doesn't cover my eyes with her hands when she senses a grueling scene coming ahead. The insistent blood that's gushing out of the nameless bodies in front of me do not scare me. Because I can now sense the superficiality of it all. Suddenly the artificial aspect is so over-the-top that I can't understand how this ever could've made me flinch. How this ever frightened me. The only fright I feel is for the reality I'm residing in right now and every consequence that it brings with it. I've never been more scared in my entire life.

"So are you finally going to tell me what's wrong." She asks for the second time tonight. Her voice is resolute and steady, telling me that she isn't backing down until I give in. That she won't settle for any less than a logical explanation. It's a firmness that I'm not used too, but her gentle and affectionate touch of her hands on mine reveal that she's doing this for my own good. For our own good.

"I already told you that nothing is wrong." Comes my mulish reply, carefully untangling myself from her grasp. Not trusting any of my words and revelations when I'm so close to her. I stand up and defensively wrap my arms around my stomach, as I face her. I see her dejectedly shake her head, before heavily sighing into the air.

"I know something is wrong, Spence." She urges on a now gentler tone, but I simply keep shaking my head as if stuck in some physical mantra where I try to convince both her and me of my point. "You forget that I know you like no one else does. We've been together for twelve years and-"

"We are not together!" I suddenly interrupt in a raised voice. I feel every single part of my body shaking and her confused expression doesn't make it any better. I have to leave this room before it only gets worse, before everything simply explodes in my face.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She ask disbelievingly as she raises herself from where she's seated.

I look away in exasperation and dejectedly trudge towards her room. This has been going on long enough.

"Oh that's great Spence. Just walk away instead of explaining yourself. Take the easy way out." She snaps from behind me, clearly aggravated by my inability to simple explain things to her. Suddenly it all just becomes too much for me. Her aggravation, my pain and the heat that's rising between us, makes me abruptly turn to her.

"Easy? Do you know what easy even means Ashley?" I hiss under my breath, unable to keep my voice under control. She looks at me with widened eyes, unknown to this side of me. At least towards her. Not even I know this side of me. And I know she isn't worth it, I know she doesn't deserve one bit of my anger but something inside me is slowly crumbling apart and this is the only way I can somehow control it. By venting out on the one person that deserves nothing more but love and kindness.

"Easy is being able to do whatever you want. Without being afraid of any consequences." I say waveringly, my voice rising with each syllable I utter. She keeps looking at me completely taken aback and remains standing stoic by our trustworthy loveseat. " Easy is being able to act genuinely, to act on your purest feelings." My voice is slowly cracking along with any resolve I still have left. And it only gets worse when I feel selfish tears form in my eyes. Ashley is immediately alarmed but any word she's about to utter and any move she's about make is cut short by my now broken voice. "Easy is being brave enough to accept everything you feel, because it feels so right Ash." I say now, barely above a whisper. "So right." I repeat so quietly that it makes me wonder if she even heard me. This time she doesn't hesitate to make her way towards me and she has her arms tightly wrapped around me before I can register it. I don't return the embrace, too physically and emotionally drained to do so. Instead I simply keep standing there like a comatose with Ashley engulfing me tightly into her. With the only signs of life being the silent tears that are now staining her shirt.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay, Spence. I promise." She quietly whispers into my ear. Trying to comfort me from the undeniable sadness I'm feeling. Yet I can't help but let out an internal scoff. Because she'll never be able to comfort me, to help me if she doesn't truly understand what I'm saying. She'll never be able to undo this hurt if she doesn't feel the same way that I do. And I know that it's so unfair to her, because she does not deserves to be put in a situation I could be putting her through. Everyone has the right to choose who they love and not be pressured into it by disillusioned best friends. "I promise." She says a second time, reassuring my silent doubts. She kisses me soundly on top of my head and the disheartened whimper that escapes my mouth is too strong to keep inside. I finally find the strength to wrap my arms halfheartedly around her waist and she simply responds by pulling me impossibly closer to her.

"I need you so much, Ashley." I snivel into the crook of her neck. I grip the hem of her shirt, silently begging her to not let go of me. To not let me get lost in this indefinite whirlwind I created around me.

"I'm right here, Spencer." She quietly soothes, gently cradling my body back and forth. "I'm right here." She whispers barely above her breath. She pulls back a bit, cupping my face along the way. Feeling the now familiar motion of pads of thumbs freeing me of any tears. She looks at me in genuine hurt and it pains me to know that I caused it.

"You know how much it kills me to see you cry, Spence." She tells me quietly and I pitifully nod my head. One of her hands shifts from my cheek to my hair and she soothingly tangles it there. "So please don't do it." She asks me so sadly and innocent, making it all look so simple. "Just come talk to me. You know, you can talk to me about anything." She continues, her eyes following the motion of her hand. "God, you used to tell me everything. What happened?" She asks me, before planting a soft kiss on my forehead, letting her lips linger there. What happened?

I fell in love with my best friend. That's what happened. And I haven't decided yet whether it's a blessing or a curse. I guess that's still up to her.


	11. Chapter 10

"I wonder sometimes."

In this barely lit room of mine, her alluring eyes manage to draw every piece of my attention. Unconsciously illuminating the space between us with just the right amount. Diminishing any need to light the lamp on my bedside table. Entranced, I watch how her mahogany brown irises peacefully float in the pureness of white and protectively encircle the mystery of black. Engaged in a limbo of contrasts, easily threading one extreme with the other.

"About what?" I ask quietly, tentavily. Afraid that if I speak just a little too loud, the moment will be lost and the peace within her eyes will vanish with it.

But it doesn't. It barely even changes. The only thing that shifts is the motion of the hundreds of flecks of gold within her irises. Quietly swimming from one end to other. Blissfully participating to the whole of those mystifying eyes. The eyes that lured me into getting to know her, that enticed me to become her friend and that are tempting me to hope for more.

"Stuff." She breathes out. "Things." She continues after a few moments, in effort to enhance her explanation. Only she isn't. She's only blurring it up even more.

Her answer is as cryptic as her eyes, but I don't mind. It's what defines her. It's what defines one of the endless reasons why I've desperately fallen for her. Somehow and somewhere between our quiet whispers and comfortable staring, our bodies have shifted close to the other. Physically we aren't touching, which is quite atypical for us. For her. But mentally we're tangled up in the most intimate ways. And with each and one of her breaths delicately being puffed upon my lips and vice versa, I feel connected to her on every single level. I wonder if she feels it too and if she sees in my eyes what I see in hers. I'm not talking about possible feelings she might or might not have for me. But simply experiencing what I experience in instants like these. In these consequential moments that mean the world to me and that I store in my heart one by one. I hope she does. I hope it, because it feels quite wonderful.

"I wonder too sometimes." I divulge after  
awhile.

I wonder every single time we lay this close to each other and every single night you wrap your arms around me. Every single time you quietly whisper that you love me with such sincerity, that I'd swear that those words had never left your lips before. Most of all, I wonder if there even can be an us beyond the us that we are now. If we can ever reach a higher echelon than the one we've already reached. I wonder if you truly are oblivious to what I feel for you or that you've known from the start and prefer to ignore it. I wonder what hurts more.

"You know. About-" I falter for a moment when I notice a slight movement of her lips. My eyes briefly shift to them, watching how they slightly part. "Stuff." I finish as I fixate my gaze on her eyes again.

Who knew a term like 'stuff' could give meaning to such a large array of frightening feelings, secretive emotions and hidden truths. I wonder if her stuff is as loaded as mine. I wonder if she knows that my stuff is loaded in the first place. The air is heavy yet light-hearted. We're completely relaxed and utterly at peace, yet no smile is able to break on our faces.

"Yeah?" She enquires in a hushed tone and it sends shivers over the whole of my spine. It's scary how every word she says and every single action she takes has an effect on me. No matter how little and insignificant it might seem in a strangers' eye. Nothing that she does leaves me unbothered.

"Yeah." I reply in a voice just a quiet as hers. And suddenly I can't hold back the hesitant smile that creeps on my face. I don't want this moment to shift but it's almost inevitable and that's okay. Because moments are supposed to end and new ones are supposed to start. It's up to us to thread one into the other and maintain the comfort you're residing in. It might take different shapes and forms, but it's there nonetheless. And as I see her bashfully smile back at me, I know that we've entered that new stage of comfort and I welcome it just as warmly as the previous one.

A gentle knock on the door and a voice that belongs to my mother alerts us of the dinner that's served downstairs, but it fails to interrupt us. We both get the message loud and clear but it doesn't make us move for even an inch. It doesn't make us jump apart or create awkward stillness's like previous times. It just confirms the daze we're both finding ourselves in. Her hand slowly creeps across the mattress until her fingers tentavily meet my own. They delicately start tiptoeing on mine as her gaze never once shifts from my eyes.

"We should head downstairs." She tells me unconvincingly. Uttering those words with the hint of a question, because she doesn't really want to head down there. She doesn't really want to face any other person that might be residing there. No matter how much she loves my dad's cooking, no matter how much she adores teasing Glen and no matter how much she likes shocking mom with her not so conservative statements. I know that because I'm feeling the same way.

"Yeah, we should." I retort just as unpersuasive as her. But we both know that we'll eventually go through with our statements instead of laying here in our indolent state. That doesn't keep us from lingering just a little longer on this small familiar bed of mine. It won't keep us from heading downstairs where everyone will already be seated and where we'll find a hungry Glen impatiently waiting for us, mom sternly reminding us of our lack of manners and dad playfully admonishing us from the side.

I know that because it happens every time Ashley stays over. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

--

"So, enjoying the food Ashley?" My dad asks warmly from across us. She briefly looks up from her plate with her mouth overfilled with pasta and a touch of sauce smeared by the corner of her mouth. My chuckling comes naturally as I slyly watch her from the corner of my eyes. Her zealous love and hunger for my dad's cooking and food in general is positively endearing. And I know my dad feels the exact same way.

"Hmm?" She mumbles through her chewing.

"I said; are you enjoying the food?" He asks again with an amused face. Ashley quickly chews down on the rest of the food and makes a show of swallowing it entirely before she finally starts talking.

"You know I do, Mr. C." She grins mischievously, completely unaware of the smeared sauce. I try not to laugh but as soon as she dives back in her plate of pasta, various giggles are released.

"Whaa?" She mumbles from down her plate. The whole table starts to laugh now and it joys me to see how she easily keeps us all amused without even trying. Without knowing it even. Even my mom who's always big on etiquette and protocol can't resist laughing at her antics once and awhile. It shows how she adjusted to this family over the years and how our family adjusted to her.

"Seriously laughing at ignorant people is not funny." She tells us sternly while pointing at us with her fork. "Mrs. C, I expected better from you. Isn't there a commandment that says that "Thou shall not laugh at people" or something?" She accuses half-seriously, half-jokingly.

I made the mistake to take a sip of my water just when she said that. I don't think  
it takes a genius to figure out that said water was soon splattered all across of my  
mother's tablecloth. I chance a glance at mom who I expect to be not amused by both our antics this time around, but I'm surprised to see her stifling a giggle.

"Oh, don't even get me started on you Spencer." She warns playfully while facing towards me. "Best friend my a-"

"Ashley." My mother cuts in sternly. Not even Ashley can get away with uttering expletives in her presence. Ashley mutters an unconvincing sorry as she fixes her  
gaze on me. It's unconvincing because the mischievous grin she flashes me and the amused voice she uses is anything but regretful. I look at her with complete  
adoration and a goofy smile plastered on my face. The light-heartedness of it all enchants my heart. I was afraid it would be completely lost after our little movie night when my actions and words betrayed me more than ever.

But Ashley didn't pry any further after my emotional outburst and I failed to divulge anything. She clearly still had it on her mind and I could sense her wanting to ask me about it a few times. But she bit her tongue and sucked it in instead. Preferring to let me take the lead when I was ready to confess. When I was ready to end my cowardice. I can sense the undying trust and faith she has in me. Even if I know that it pains her so much that I can't just step up and talk to her about this like I normally do. I wish I had that same faith in myself because I don't know if I'm ready to do what she's silently asking me to.

As for Gaël, there isn't a doubt in my mind that he knows of it. I always sensed his suspicions towards me and Ashley. But that night, his suspicions were rewarded and every singly inch of his face showed me his realization. And it scared me. It scared me and it made close up and run away from him. It's what I've been doing for days. Trying my hardest to stay away from him and avoid every possible judging stare. Every possible confrontation with the truth. Because, frankly, I don't know how I might react to any of his allegations. Even if he doesn't really seem like that kind of guy. Even if the only thing I'm really scared of is to hear the truth being told out loud instead of just hearing it echo in the safeness of my lonesome mind.

"You uh, you have something .." I slowly lean in a bit and bring my thumb to the corner of her mouth. Gently wiping off the remains of my dad's famous pasta sauce.  
" … right there." I finish quietly. I let my thumb linger longer then necessary before I slowly (and begrudgingly) lower it. Unintentionally, or maybe very much intentionally, brushing her moist lip in the process. And that simple and brief touch combined with the intense stare she has right now brings back all of the familiar symptoms she's been causing for what seems a lifetime. All of the indications that warn me how  
deep I've fallen and how dangerous this could get if it doesn't stop escalating.

I look down when I remember where we are and with who we're surrounded with. It's so easy to forget it all and to simply focus on her and me. To return to the Spencer and Ashley we were before dinner, when it really was just the two of us and where my mind didn't need to work and my eyes didn't need to shift.

I bashfully return back to the half-eaten pasta in front of me and continue to poke it as I see her doing the same. The table remains silent for a while until my mother decides to end it. Until she decides to alter the moment completely and invite uneasiness and awkwardness instead.

"So Ashley, how are things with Joel?" She asks innocently and the first sound she meets is the one of my falling fork hitting porcelain. I see Ashley awkwardly poke the little food she has in front of her from the corner of my eyes. Taking her time before she answers.

"Actually, we .. uh .. broke up." She retorts quietly, before she looks up to her. Sending a forced smile her way.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. What happened?" She asks, prying even a little further, a little deeper. God bless my mother, because I love her. I love her caring tone and the genuine sorrow she's feeling for Ashley. I love her for loving Ashley and being so thoughtful of her. I love her for accepting Ashley as her second daughter, as an equal of me. But she has to learn to leave touchy subjects for what they are and not meddle unless she's been given the indication to do so. I guess that's where mother and daughter differ.

"Mom!" I interrupt in a squeaky voice, giving her an absolute horrified face.

"It's okay, Spence." She assures me, briefly glancing my way before looking towards my mother again. Suddenly everyone seem to be focused on Ashley and nothing else. Even Glen and his never-ending appetite seems to detach himself from the food in front of him long enough to listen to the reasons why King High's Golden Couple have called it quits.

"I realized that he uh …" She stops mid-sentence and I sense her eyes searching mine, but the coward in me tells me to not look back. To simply keep my eyes focused on everything but those orbs that so easily entrance me. That so easily dismantle me completely. I keep reminding myself that we are not in the intimacy of my dimly lit room. " That he isn't what I was looking for."

"And what are you looking for?" My mothers asks, voicing the question that lingers in the back of my mind. Asking what I've been wanting to ask for so long. And suddenly I love my mother for the braveness that I don't have. The braveness that I failed to inherit.

Once again I feel her eyes glancing my way, but this time I look back. This time I dare to mix blue and brown outside my room. This time I challenge myself to not be as petrified as I would be. As I should be.

"Racing hearts and clammy hands." She answers without missing a beat and without missing my eyes. But mostly, without missing my heart.


	12. Intermezzo

**Some among you, may or may not know that the title of this fic was borrowed from one of Langston Hughes' poems. There is a reason why I choose that title and I've been trying to fit the poem a bit into the story. Now I've been mulling over how I could possibly do that and this is what I came up with. This is not an update, chapter 11 will follow later. You can consider this is as an intermezzo that you either read and connect to the story or ignore and simply continue to wait for the 'real' chapters. Either way, I hope you enjoy it. I also have to tell you that the idea popped in my mind today, so it might seem hastily manufactured. Which I already apologize for.**

--

_What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?_

_--_

"Ashley, you look fine."

I see her standing there in a slightly longer skirt and a slightly less revealing top than she usually wears. In those clothes that aren't Ashley. The clothes that do not belong to her, do not belong to her personality. I see her trying to be someone else, acting like a person that she is not. And I don't understand, because how can anyone want her to change? Why would someone want to adjust something that is already perfect. Something, _someone_ that is perfect through the imperfections they carry. Who has never been scared to show off those beautiful flaws. Who has never agreed to hide them for the sake of another person.

"God, I feel like a nun." She sighs aggravated as she plops down heavily on the bed, right next to me. "I don't even want to meet his stupid parents." She says while nervously picking at the hem of her uncharacteristic skirt.

"Then why are you going?" I ask quietly, still not understanding why she agreed to go to this formal dinner to meet the parents. When she mentioned it to me, the knife that was already residing in my heart was twisted just a little bit more. Destroying every single one of my hopes that this thing she had was still all very casual. Very teenage fling-of-the-week kind of phenomenon. I guess my hopes were more delusional than their crush.

"Because it's Joel and if I don't go he'll start bitching and moaning again." She answers frustrated, while she looks down to her outfit. "This isn't me." She whispers dejectedly, before flopping down her soft mattress. I slowly follow her suit and shift my body until I'm hovering over her resting form. I lift my hand and thread it in her straightened hair. And as I leisurely comb it with my fingers, I can't help but long for her messy curls. The messy curls she got rid of to pleasure her boyfriend and his strict parents. To fulfill an ideal that is nothing short of phony and spurious. An ideal that is everything but her.

"You shouldn't change." I whisper as I lower down my hand to her face. Loosely cupping her cheek, when I feel her lean into my touch. When I feel her relax for the first time tonight.

"Not tonight, not ever." I continue as we deeply gaze in each other's eyes. With me she would never have to change. With me she can always remain the Ashley I got to know through the years. The girl that can erase my tears with one goofy smile. She would never have to change, because I wouldn't want her any other way. Because my family thinks the same. With me, she can have dinner at my place without having to wear anything she doesn't want to wear. With me, she wouldn't have to force her smile and fake her appearance. With me she can be whoever she wants to be.

"Ashley, are you ready?" His booming voice interrupts my thoughts and this moment. Making me back off immediately in realization.

It doesn't matter what I think, because she isn't with me. And she never will.

--

_Or fester like a sore and then run?_

_--_

I've tried to be happy for her. I've tried to be happy for them. I've tried to forget about her scorching touch and my hitching breath. I've tried to reverse it all and pretend like nothing ever changed. That our intimate, one of a kind friendship is just that and nothing more.

I should've known that it was all in vain. That nothing could diminish the emotions that course through my body and soul when her skin barely comes in contact with mine. When I feel her words being addressed to only me, even when we're surrounded by a crowd. When her eyes always somehow find mine, even when the kisses that are running along her jaw aren't inflicted by me. I should've known that the conflicted feelings she evokes within me are anything but conflicted. Because I am not confused and there is no misinterpretation. At least not on my side. I know what this is and it kills me to not be able to do something about. It kills me to see her live and laugh with someone else. Someone that isn't me. It kills me to know that I'll never be the one who'll get to kiss her divine lips and nip the flawless skin of her neck, like he has been doing unabashedly all night.

It kills me that I cannot stop thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings. Everything would be so much easier if I could. If I could only stop falling for her, like I have been doing helplessly in the last few months.

"A penny for your thoughts." She sighs into the air as she flashes me a lazy smile. I don't remember her sitting alone across of me. I don't remember him detaching his undeserving lips from her delicate ear. Or leaving this awkward table that now suddenly oozes comfort. Somehow I don't mind. Somehow it only relieves me and I can finally breathe again. Because now the only thing that's left is the restfulness of her familiar eyes and the steady sound of my beating heart.

"They aren't worth that much." I shrug, feigning indifference. I only feign because those thoughts are anything but worthless. They mean the world to me, because they all involve her. And that alone makes them priceless.

"I doubt that." She retorts, while she squints her eyes in thought. Trying to dissect my mind through my eyes. Through the panes of all truths. Yet all they've been displaying lately are hidden secrets that even she cannot unfold. "What are you thinking about, Carlin?" She asks me in genuine interest.

"You." I answer without missing a beat. For once I don't mull my answer over and over again. But I simply let my heart speak. It's a change of pace and an uncalculated risk, but it's bigger than me. It's her and her hypnotizing eyes. It's her raspy voice that incites me to just talk and then think. To do what I've been doing for years in her presence, but that somehow got lost between these confusing feelings and uncontrollable emotions.

"Yeah?" She asks, smiling bashfully to me. I can only nod in assurance and smile right back at her. Her hand travels over the cool surface of the table, until it reaches mine. Delicately putting her hand over mine, before squeezing it fondly.

"Good, cause you're the only one on my mind too."

--

_Does it stink like rotten meat?_

_--_

I've had my chances. There were moments in which I could've told her. In which I could've come clean to her. In which truths would've been revealed and secrets would've been exposed. But I've let them pass one by one. Letting the situation overwhelm me and opting for the easy way out. Choosing to act on my cowardice instead of my braveness. And now I'm into deep and she's still into the unknown. Still obliviously living in a world in which she can easily distinct her lover from her best friend. In a world where she doesn't need to choose, but can simply bask in the presence of us.

I'm finding myself in this constant battle of contradictive options and their consequences. Unable to think coherently and pick one in all rationality. Because when I'm in her presence, all rationality leaves me. And all that's left is my foolishness and imprudence in my desperate act of falling in love.

"I love you." She whispers so softly, so sweetly into my ear. To the unknown eye, it may seem as if she's counting me the most secretive of all secrets. And maybe it is. Maybe those words are only meant to be heard by me and no one else. Maybe the crashing waves in front of us and the cold sand beneath us are meant to be our clandestine accomplices to that declaration. Because even if it's far from it being the first time she uttered those words, this one feels so more significant. Because she choose to spend the night with me on this forgotten patch of beach. Far away from the grand and the exposed. Far away from everything and everyone. Far away from the person she should be celebrating their anniversary with.

And I'm grateful, so grateful for this night. For the legs that are pressing against mine and the arms that are encircling my waist. For the chin that's propped on my shoulder and the breath that's tickling my ear. But I can't help but feel that I'm betraying her. Betraying her through my unspoken words, through the feelings I'm failing to expose. And everything I do and don't do, everything I say and don't say feels insincere and deceitful.

"I love you too." I whisper into the dark. And that I do truthfully and genuinely. There's nothing dishonest about that last confession. Yet, my guts still wrench painfully and guilt still overtakes my mind. Because the love I feel for her does not equal the love she feels for me. And any fearlessness that I need to tell her just that, is rapidly decaying within me. Putrefying at a constant pace. And it's only a matter of time before it vanishes into nonexistence. And all that will be left is her unconditional friendship and my unrequited feelings.

--

_Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet?_

_--_

"May I have this last dance, Ms. Carlin."

It's the night of our winter formal and I've dreaded every single second of it. Rejecting every single guy that took the risk to invite me for a dance, with Ashley being just a few feet away. Preferring to silently wail in hidden misery as I observed them from a dark corner, happily dancing in each others arms. Smiling sweetly to all the flashing cameras. Eternalizing King High's sweethearts and, unknowingly, my shattering heart. She's been trying to make me enjoy this night, repeatedly shoving him to the side to take care of me. But the selfless best friend in me took a step back to let lovers be lovers. The heartbroken love fool in me stepped back to drown in self-pity.

"I don't feel like dancing, Ash. Seriously you should head back to Joel." I feebly explain, but to no avail as I feel her warm hands clasping around mine. Dragging my stubborn body from the chair I've been residing on the whole night.

"You have no say in this, Spence. You've been denying me all night, it's time that I take charge." She tells me with a devious smile and I can't refrain myself from doing the same. Because secretly, I've been waiting for this moment the whole night. In which she doesn't listen to my pathetic excuses anymore and simply drags me with her.

The background music is slow and languid and it somehow fits this moment perfectly. The hands on my hips, the ones I've been dying to feel them touch me all night, are drawing me closer to her. So close that my arms have to lock themselves around her neck. So close that when we sway, my nose briefly brushes her. So close that her breath is the only thing I feel upon my lips. I wonder if she feels my ragged one just as much as I feel hers. I gaze into her eyes and I slip so easily into them. Into this brief dream we're residing in. Into this moment that I want to last forever, but of which I know that it will end soon. Too soon. And the thought only makes the ache in my heart intensify, because how can something end that has never began in the first place. That might never get the chance to unfold.

I slightly lower my hands to her shoulder blades as I bury my face in the crook of her neck. Deeply inhaling her intoxicating scent. Taking everything I can with me of this moment. Willing myself to store every single detail of it in mind. Because this, I do not take for granted. I never did and I never will. She brings me even closer to her, until there isn't any space left between our in sync bodies. Every part of my body is in complete exhilaration, but my heart disagrees and does not wish to engage in that same feeling. It only continues to crumble piece by piece at its realization. At the comprehension that no matter how right this feels, no matter how sweet this moment is, it does not partake to the reality. This perfect instant we're sharing, where we're moving to the music of our hearts, is nothing but a dream briefly coming true.

Somewhere between the kiss she places on top of my head and the hands that desperately grip the fabric of her dress, my tears start to fall. One by one they glide across my hot cheeks and over her delicate skin. And as my silent tears keep falling, her hands keep guiding me through this sweet torment. Unwilling to stop and voice her concerns. Wordlessly granting me this moment. This instant where I can pretend. Even if it's just momentarily, even if it isn't real. It still exists and in my mind it will never end.

--

_Maybe it just sags like a heavy load._

_--_

"You forget that I know you like no one else does. We've been together for twelve years and-"

"We are not together!" I suddenly interrupt in a raised voice. I feel every single part of my body shaking and her confused expression doesn't make it any better. I have to leave this room before it only gets worse, before everything simply explodes in my face.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She ask disbelievingly as she raises herself from where she's seated.

I look away in exasperation and dejectedly trudge towards her room. This has been going on long enough.

"Oh that's great Spence. Just walk away instead of explaining yourself. Take the easy way out." She snaps from behind me, clearly aggravated by my inability to simple explain things to her. Suddenly it all just becomes too much for me. Her aggravation, my pain and the heat that's rising between us, makes me abruptly turn to her.

"Easy? Do you know what easy even means Ashley?" I hiss under my breath, unable to keep my voice under control. She looks at me with widened eyes, unknown to this side of me. At least towards her. Not even I know this side of me. And I know she isn't worth it, I know she doesn't deserve one bit of my anger but something inside me is slowly crumbling apart and this is the only way I can somehow control it. By venting out on the one person that deserves nothing more but love and kindness.

"Easy is being able to do whatever you want. Without being afraid of any consequences." I say waveringly, my voice rising with each syllable I utter. She keeps looking at me completely taken aback and remains standing stoic by our trustworthy loveseat. " Easy is being able to act genuinely, to act on your purest feelings." My voice is slowly cracking along with any resolve I still have left. And it only gets worse when I feel selfish tears form in my eyes. Ashley is immediately alarmed but any word she's about to utter and any move she's about make is cut short by my now broken voice. "Easy is being brave enough to accept everything you feel, because it feels so right Ash." I say now, barely above a whisper. "So right." I repeat so quietly that it makes me wonder if she even heard me. This time she doesn't hesitate to make her way towards me and she has her arms tightly wrapped around me before I can register it. I don't return the embrace, too physically and emotionally drained to do so. Instead I simply keep standing there like a comatose with Ashley engulfing me tightly into her. With the only signs of life being the silent tears that are now staining her shirt.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay, Spence. I promise." She quietly whispers into my ear. Trying to comfort me from the undeniable sadness I'm feeling. Yet I can't help but let out an internal scoff. Because she'll never be able to comfort me, to help me if she doesn't truly understand what I'm saying. She'll never be able to undo this hurt if she doesn't feel the same way that I do. And I know that it's so unfair to her, because she does not deserves to be put in a situation I could be putting her through. Everyone has the right to choose who they love and not be pressured into it by disillusioned best friends. "I promise." She says a second time, reassuring my silent doubts. She kisses me soundly on top of my head and the disheartened whimper that escapes my mouth is too strong to keep inside. I finally find the strength to wrap my arms halfheartedly around her waist and she simply responds by pulling me impossibly closer to her.

"I need you so much, Ashley." I snivel into the crook of her neck. I grip the hem of her shirt, silently begging her to not let go of me. To not let me get lost in this indefinite whirlwind I created around me.

"I'm right here, Spencer." She quietly soothes, gently cradling my body back and forth. "I'm right here." She whispers barely above her breath. She pulls back a bit, cupping my face along the way. Feeling the now familiar motion of pads of thumbs freeing me of any tears. She looks at me in genuine hurt and it pains me to know that I caused it.

"You know how much it kills me to see you cry, Spence." She tells me quietly and I pitifully nod my head. One of her hands shifts from my cheek to my hair and she soothingly tangles it there. "So please don't do it." She asks me so sadly and innocent, making it all look so simple. "Just come talk to me. You know, you can talk to me about anything." She continues, her eyes following the motion of her hand. "God, you used to tell me everything. What happened?" She asks me, before planting a soft kiss on my forehead, letting her lips linger there. What happened?

I fell in love with my best friend. That's what happened. And I haven't decided yet whether it's a blessing or a curse. I guess that's still up to her.

--

_Or does it explode?_

--


	13. Chapter 11

"Man, this party is laaaame." She slurs from beside me. I chuckle from where I'm laying and briefly glance towards her.

"Says the girl who escaped the scene 20 minutes after we arrived." I tease her lightly. It's funny how just a few hours ago she was the one begging me to come to Sebastian Duke's so-called "party of the year". We had barely arrived or she was already dragging me out the mansion and through Sebastian's gigantic backyard. She had found us a place far from every partying teenage soul and made me lay down next to her on the damp grass. Letting ourselves be enclosed by complete darkness. But Ashley wouldn't be Ashley if she didn't snatch a few drinks here and there. And the slur in her voice tells me she might have enjoyed those drinks a little too much.

"Because it was lame!" She tells me incredulously. I quietly laugh at her drunken reverie and continue watching the sky above us. It's darker than usual and the air gets crispier with the minute. I don't reply and let the sound of the faraway music lull me into a state of peace.

"Do you think that Gaël likes you?" She asks me out of nowhere. The question no doubt caused by her drunken honesty. Making me shift my head to face her. I watch her take in the skies above her and I can't help but wonder if it's really just her intoxicated self that's talking to me. I shift my head again and face the darkness above. Heaving a heavy sigh, before finally responding her.

"I don't think so. I'm mean not like _that_." I tell her quietly. Conveniently letting out the part where it wouldn't matter if he would. Because he had it all figured out already. He had me figured out.

"I'll kick his ass if he doesn't." She replies in a scoffed tone. Making me smirk, because drunk or not drunk, I know her by heart.

"You'll kick his ass if he _does_ like me." I laugh lightly into the night. Hearing her echoing my quiet laughs after a moment. I sense her shifting beside and it doesn't take long before I feel her head pressed to my chest. Draping her arm around my waist as my hand finds her wild curls.

"Yeah, I would."

--

_"Look it was nothing. It was all just one big misunderstanding." I urge one last time, attempting to calm her fiery state. This is exactly the reason why I didn't tell her in the first place. Why I choose to not tell her about the little incident that happened a few days ago._

_"I can't believe I had to find out through some random jocks." She tells me disappointed as she starts pacing from one end of the deserted classroom to the other. Making me more nervous with the second. A sudden halt of her movements, makes me my heart pace increase as I see her walking slowly towards me. But the soft expression in her eyes makes me breathe regularly again. Reminding me that this is the girl that would never even dare to get mad at me, let alone hurt me in any way._

_"Do you have any idea how they were talking about you?" She asks me barely above a whisper. She slowly lifts her hand to my face and start caressing my cheek fondly. Making it hard for me to not let the touch lull my eyes to sleep. "How much it hurt me to hear them say those things?" She continues in such a hurt tone that it makes my heart break. Cursing myself for not trusting her with what happened with Curtis in his room. For being the cause of her pain right now._

_"I'm sorry for not telling you." I tell her sincerely as I let myself lean into her soft touch. Granting myself this moment of weakness in which I can enjoy her care without any remorse or guilt. "I mean, he barely even touched or I was already outta-"_

_"What?" She interrupts me as she lowers down her hand. I see her angrily squinting her eyes and I finally realize the mistake I made. I had apparently revealed her a part she did not know of yet. And as I see the fierceness in her eyes intensify I know it's too late. I know that she will not be stopped and Curtis will become acquainted with the Ashley I desperately wanted to hold back. Not because I pitied the bastard. He deserved every part of her ferocity, but because I was scared for her. For the consequences it could withhold. Her mom was looking for any excuse to send her off to some boot camp far away from here. Far away from me. And that's something that I cannot handle. The mere thought of it alone, causes a dull ache within my chest._

_She's already trudging through the door and the hallway before I can even move my feet. Feeling completely paralyzed for what may come. Somehow, I find the strength to run behind her. To stop her from doing something that could change our lives completely. I desperately call out her name as I thread through the masses of students. Hopelessly trying to stop her. Hopelessly because by the time I'm at the end of the hallway, Curtis is already on his back and her fists are insistently meeting his face. Causing blood to gush out of his nose and her hands. Shocking each and every student, including myself, to see such a small and fragile frame angrily and rhythmically pounding the school's quarterback. Not once losing her angered cadence, even when I grab her by the waist and attempt to drag her off of him. It takes every single ounce of my strength and every single syllable of my soothing words to finally take her off of him completely._

_I quickly grab her by the hand and lead her into the nearest bathroom. Locking the door immediately to keep outside any enraged headmasters or teachers. When I turn around I'm faced with a shaking body form. She slowly lifts her eyes to mine and it's evident how she even shocked herself with her outburst. I quickly walk towards her and wrap my arms around her tremor-filled body. We stay like that for a few moments. Holding her tightly into my embrace as I soothingly sway her back and forth. Quietly reassuring her that it was okay. I back a bit to examine any possible damage and silently curse as I see her grazed and bloodied knuckles._

_"Ashley." I sigh quietly while grazing my thumb over the damaged skin. She simply remains silent, slowly returning into a more peaceful and serene state. Letting the tremor seep out of her body. I bring one hand to my mouth, gently kissing scraped knuckle after scraped knuckle. Not once taking my soothing eyes away from hers. Repeating the same process with her other hand._

_"I can't lose you, Ash." I whisper hoarsely. Surprising us both with my breaking voice._

_"You won't." She quickly replies, looking sincerely into my eyes to assure me. I lower down her hands but don't stop grazing my thumb over them. Letting her fresh blood dry over my own flesh. Needing her to share her pain with me. Unable to let her take the burden completely on herself._

_"I will if you do things like this." I tell her softly._

_"He hurt you!" She responds in her attempt to explain her actions. Her eyes slowly start to enrage again solely at the thought of him. I untangle one of my hand from hers and lift it to her face. Cupping her cheek, much like she did before hell broke loose. I brush my thumb over the soft flesh beneath her eye and I'm surprised to feel a lost tear. Quickly catching it and repelling it from her close to angelic face._

_"No, he didn't." I tell her reassuringly, needing her to understand my reasoning. My painful position in all of this. "But if your mom takes you away from me, than I'll be hurt." I tell her softly, lifting her hand in mine to my chest. Letting it feel the unsteady thump of my heart. "I'll be heartbroken." I continue solemnly._

_"You won't." She assures me as she uncurls her fist by my chest and flattens it completely. "You won't because I won't leave you." She continues as she presses her damped forehead to mine. Boring her darkened browns into my sorrowful blues._

_"Your mom-" I whimper quietly. Not remembering the salty tears ever leaving my eyes. Only remembering the hurt caused by the simple thought of her ever leaving me behind._

_"My mom won't do a thing. I'm gonna leave home, Spence. I'm sick and tired of her."_

_And as she assures me with those words, I let my head fall into the crook of her neck. Letting myself being enveloped by her protective embrace. Returning back into the role of the consoled one, instead of the consoling one. Easily transferring from one situation to the other. Because it's so natural, so common to us._

_"No one will ever hurt you, Spence. As long as I'm here, no_ _one will hurt you."_

--

I'm brought out of my memories by thick drops of water hitting my face and a squealing Ashley urging me to get up already. I don't have the time to respond, before she drags me up by the hand and starts tugging me through the endless backyard. Following her blindly in the dark as our paces increases with the loudening sound of the thunder. And as the rains keeps drenching our already soaked bodies, we search for a place we cannot find. Mindlessly running in endless circles, seemingly frustrated when in reality the water that's cascading down our bodies never felt more refreshing. Never felt more cleansing, more life alternating.

And with her hand clenched tightly around mine, we suddenly start laughing. In our daze where nothing exists but us two, the drenching rain and the never-ending darkness we cannot help but simultaneously find the amusement in it all. Because this moment is more exciting, more satisfying than any party of the year. In our fit of laughs, we never stop running into the nothingness. Feeling my body loosening up with every step I take. Even if my clothes now weigh seven times more than at the beginning of the evening. Even if I lost one of my sandals in my running frenzy.

Somehow, we bump into a lost and desolated barn. And as her back hits the shed and her hand unconsciously drags my front into hers, I could swear time stops. Under this pelting rain, where my drenching body touches her soaked one, the whole world is put on a hold. As her darkened eyes meet my agitated ones, this obscurity has never been more enlightening. And the heavy rain that's hitting the back of my head, slowly pushes me into her. Urging me to go for it, because this is it. This is the moment.

My nose brushes alongside hers and the shivers that are spread across the whole of my body, have nothing to do with the cold I'm exposed to. Her hands grip the front of my soaked shirt and I've never felt more hotter than right this instant. Her nose starts nuzzling my cheek, drawing inexistent patterns on my soft skin and my eyelids have never felt any more heavy. We keep discovering each other faces through these innocent but breathtaking touches. Preparing ourselves for what is ahead. Because it's going to happen. On this night, under these heavy storms and against this forgotten shed, we're going to connect on a level unknown to us.

Our laboured and warm breaths mix with each other and somewhat awkwardly, somewhat perfectly our lips touch. It's so faint and brief, that it makes me wonder if it every really happened. But then she leans back in and her breathless mouth hesitantly finds mine again. And this time I'm sure. This time, we kiss.


	14. Chapter 12

_"Yesterday I saw my mom and dad kissing each other on the mouth again."_

_"Ew, that's gross!"_

_"I know! And they even looked happy doing it."_

_"But it's disgusting."_

_"Yeah, but they only do it when dad buys mommy a gift or when mommy says she's gonna make dinner because she isn't working."_

_"But your mom makes icky dinners. Why would your dad kiss her?"_

_"I dunno, maybe he punishes her."_

_"But why would your mom kiss your dad when he buys her gifts? Is he punishing her then too?"_

_" I don't think so. My mom likes his gifts."_

_"I never saw my mom and dad kiss."_

_"Really? Never?"_

_"No. Well, I saw dad giving her a kiss on the cheek a couple of times. Does that count?"_

_"Not really. Because mom and dad kiss me and Glen on the cheek all the times."_

_"Oh. Yeah me too sometimes."_

_"So you never saw two people kiss on the lips before?"_

_"Well, once dad let me watch movies after bedtime with him and I saw this lady kiss another mister."_

_"It's not the same. Mom says TV is not real."_

_"Really?"_

_"Really. Do you want me to show you what a real kiss looks like?"_

_"How?"_

_"By kissing you, silly."_

_"But I thought it was gross?"_

_"It's only icky when a boy and a girl kiss each other. But we're two girls, so it's okay."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah. I mean, I already told mom that I'm gonna marry you when I grow up so we're gonna kiss anyway."_

_"Okay then. What do I do?"_

_"You have to close your eyes."_

_"Why? I can't see you if I close my eyes."_

_"I dunno. Mom and dad always do it."_

_"That's stupid. What if I kiss your nose?"_

_"You won't, silly. I have to put my hands on your cheeks so you don't move."_

_"Okay. Is this good?"_

_"Yeah, it's perfect."_

_"Now what?"_

_"Now we both count to three and then I kiss you."_

_"Okay."_

_"One, two, three …"_

A hesitant tongue finds the edge of my lower lip and it takes everything in me not to moan audibly. Each touch feeling hotter than the last one. Intensifying this glorious frenzy as the seconds slowly tick by. Making the whole of my body shiver uncontrollably. Sending me into an early end of my still young life. Not minding it one bit, because what's life compared to everything I'm feeling right now? What's it worth to keep living if her lips, that are connecting with mine so deliciously, so intimately part from mine? What's it worth to untangle myself from her to breathe properly, when the breath she's puffing into my mouth is all I need to survive?

My hands awkwardly fiddle with each other, not knowing were to put one or the other. Remembering all the times I imagined this moment. Memories in which these hands were steady and firm. Confidently cupping her soft cheeks as I'd draw her to me so closely. But that was my imagination and this is reality. At least I hope it is, because I'm still doubting if it truly is. If this just isn't a cruel dream of which I'll wake up any second from now. Because this moment, this instant in which I pour my heart out with these silent lips and in which she accepts me so truthfully, so understandingly feels so much more sweeter than everything I've ever imagined. Her own hands tentavily crawl over my torso, until they reach my sagging shoulders. Dragging me closer into her, making her lips crash into hers a little more sloppily, a little more steadily. Soon those hands do what I've always imagined doing with mine and cup my face, steadying my head and silently asking me to not leave.

I assure her by finally shifting my hands and softly placing them on her hips. There's no confidence in the move or utter conviction, just sheer hesitance and doubt. Somehow it doesn't matter, because it reflects everything that's been fuelling inside me. Because I'm not the confident and bold best friend. And it's okay because when I feel her tightening her grasp on me and kissing me so evenly, everything feels so perfectly natural.

Our lips part for mere instants before they find each other again. Unable to completely untangle themselves. Making me wonder how I ever was possible to breath so easily before. Because every time I barely part from her, I feel my breath hitching. I feel an infuriation, an ache that can only be stilled by her touch. Barely audible moans and gasps of pleasure are made and heard. Unable to part mine from hers, because everything is so jumbled with the sound around us. Each and every noise perfectly fitting into this harmonizing symphony.

I'm already completely lost in this daze we've created when I feel my body pushing flush into hers. Making my first bold move of the night, because despite all my hesitancies and doubts, I'm still that teenager with the longing crush. I don't need to wonder who just uttered the latest of pleasurable noises. Because feeling her soaked body pressed to my drenching one and her moist lips slowly tracing mine, is nothing short of heavenly. Making me clench my hands around her shirt so tightly, in effort to control the heightening of my already delirious state.

And when her mouth opens so leisurely, I can't strain myself from mirroring each of her languid movements. And when her tongue snakes out so gently and hesitantly reaches out for mine, I feel every part of my revived heart shatter. I feel this dream, this daze slowly disappear into the profoundness of this dark night. Swallowing the spell its created while it mocks my naivety and delusional self. Urging me to end this now, before it tears us completely apart. Before the bitter taste on her tongue, that taste that is not Ashley, taints these past moments. Before they entirely ruin everything I've been wishing and hoping for so long. Before the wetness on my cheeks will no longer be caused by the rain that's pelting down on us.

With a heavy heart and an increasing ache, I part my mouth from hers. Untangling my quivering body from hers, denying the firm hands that are desperately trying to keep me in place. Opening my eyes to see her still closed ones, seemingly still residing in the daze I just absconded. I hurriedly take a few more steps back as I realize what I've done and the situation it just happened in. Terrifyingly awaiting the fall-out, the consequences of my weaknesses. And as I see her sagging body leaning against that shed, only shifting to let out the labored breaths I've come to learn so intimately just a few instants ago, my movements become rapider. Opting to act on my cowardice once again, as I continue my backwards descent. Needing to leave this scene before she opens her eyes and I'm met with those soulful orbs again.

One step becomes two, two becomes three and before I know it I'm running as fast as I can. Fleeing from her and everything that happened there. Letting my wobbly legs, lead me through this maze of a garden. And it's only when I feel the lump in my throat increase to painful proportions, that I notice that the rain has stopped falling and that the wetness that's coating my cheeks is caused by me. Replacing the easy and comfortable laughs of earlier tonight. And suddenly the night isn't as dark as it once was and my surroundings don't feel as intimate as it once felt. Rapidly hearing the increasing thump of the music and noticing the mansion getting bigger with every step I take.

It doesn't take long before I find myself hunched over by the front deck, unsuccessfully trying to slow down the pace of my heart. Seeing droplets of tears staining the floor beneath me. Feeling my throat closing up and for a moment I think I might just faint right there. And it's only then that I feel a firm and foreign hand gently pulling me up to a standing position.

"Spencer, what happened?"

I look at him and finally notice his innocent boyish features. His kind emerald eyes and sluggishly tousled, brown shaggy hair. I take in his face and wonder why it couldn't have been him. Why I couldn't have fallen for his dazzling charms and spontaneous laughs instead. It would have made everything so much easier. So much more natural and accepting. Easier for me, for him, for Ashley, for Joel and everyone else. Instead, I chose to fall for the one person I could never get in the way I wanted her.

"Where's Ashley?" He asks me worriedly, looking around to see any trace of her.

Images of her relaxed form resting against the shed, of our mindless running through the rain, of us kissing hard and gentle at the same time flood my disturbed mind. Reminding me both painfully and exhilaratingly of each and every single instant of this tumultuous night. I unconsciously lift my hand to mouth and lightly trace my trembling lip. Shivering at the thought of her lingering and gentle touch. Breaking at the thought of the lingering and bittersweet taste.

"Take me to your place, Gaël."


	15. Chapter 13

I shift the cup of lukewarm coffee from my left hand to the right. Finding a certain relaxation in this gesture I've been repeating almost mechanically for the last half hour. It merges well with the constant tick of the ancient clock across of me, welcoming its steady and predictable pace. A rare trend in this night filled with unexpected twists and turns. In this night in which I reached the highest echelon of my emotional being, only to drop to the lowest I've ever experienced.

I shift the cup of lukewarm coffee from my right hand to the left. My eyes never leaving their slow journey. Afraid to shift their gaze and look up into the eyes of the person who brought me here. The person I asked to bring me here. The person that has yet to find out what has happened and who's still patiently waiting for an explanation that might never come. Because the ball is in my court and I'm the one who gets to call the shots tonight. And frankly, it's a feeling that frightens me. I'm a follower, a glorified devotee who'll a show a brief state of initiative once and awhile, but never long enough to actually act and feel on my own.

I shift the cup of lukewarm coffee from my left hand to the right. I wonder how I still haven't spilled a drop of it. Because these hands of mine have been shaking insistently ever since I've left her. Ever since they stopped tracing her body in such a hesitant and reserved manner. Ever since I started feeling as if I was losing her with every step I took away from her.

"I kissed her." I say hoarsely. Ending this mother of all silences. Perturbing the continuing of shifting cups and ticking clocks. Opening, no _ramming_ the door of secrets as I finally unfold the plot of this surreal night. I set down the cup of cold coffee on the table in front of me, never shifting my eyes from its course. That does not mean I do no feel his own eyes burning a hole in my face. Silently processing this unexpected information, even if in reality nothing may seem more predictable. Because the truth was already exposed while that movie night and I confirmed it each and every time I backtracked in the hallway when I saw him coming my way. Each and every single time I dragged Ashley to have lunch in the most abandoned of places.

Nothing is said and nothing is done and I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if I would've been better off with simply escaping again. With performing the art of avoidance I've become such a master in throughout the years. But then I hear him shift awkwardly on the couch he's seated on and I know that this perturbed silence will end soon. I know he's simply contemplating what to say to my declaration and that it won't take long before I'm confronted with the facts. I briefly wonder if I can still flee from this situation, from this talk I'm not ready for. But his kind and slightly hesitant voice urges me to at least give it try.

"Is that a bad thing?"

My eyes are now focused on my wriggling hands. The same hands that were clinging so desperately to Ashley's hips just a few hours ago.

"No, yes … I don't know." I answer slightly frustrated. It's already difficult enough to come to terms with the situation myself, let alone to explain its complicity to another person. For a moment I wonder if he even understands a fraction of what happened. Of the genuine feelings I share and have been sharing for Ashley. I don't know if he even can muster how deep I've fallen for her and how desperate I am to become more than just a best friend.

"Does Ashley think it's a bad thing?" He asks quietly.

My eyes immediately shift towards where he's seated. It's a fair question and it's one I haven't thought about yet. As I was far to absorbed with my own fears and hopes. Neglecting any emotions it might've evoked within Ashley. The way she cupped my cheek so lovingly and possessively at the same time, not wanting me to move inch, made me feel so wanted. So loved and cherished. It made me feel everything Ashley never failed to do to me. But her scorching lips took our relationship to unknown heights. What happened in Sebastian's backyard had nothing to do with the unique friendship we were sharing. What happened back there went way beyond that. At least, that's what I thought. I had witnessed Ashley chugging down beer after beer. I knew she was happily intoxicated and I had even found it endearing. That isn't really hard, considering I find each of her alter ego's endearing. I knew she was drunk, yet it that moment in which her lips traced mine in such sweet torment, I let myself ignore that one significant detail.

"She was drunk." I answer hollowly. Letting the painful truth dawn on me again. He squints his eyes in acknowledgement. Wordlessly letting me know that he understands my dilemma. Assuring me that he feels for me and my stupid naivety.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting to kiss her? How much I've been longing for the moment in which I could finally tell her how I feel and see how she'd take it?" I ask rhetorically, not expecting any answer as I bore my bloodshot eyes into his diverting ones. I'm finally letting it all out. Every emotion, every feeling I've failed to express and unfold. Every part of me that broke down throughout this painful journey.

"God, I've been imagining every single fraction of it over and over in my head. Every single night I'd stay awake, wondering what it might feel like to really have her, you know?" I reveal hoarsely. Letting all of my repressed emotions getting the best of me. "And now I've tainted every one of those hopes and fears with this one intoxicated kiss." I continue, feeling a lone tear cascading down my cheek. "The worst thing is, is that I don't even regret it." I laugh hollowly. "Because that was the most intimate, most delicate kiss I've ever shared with anyone. It was so … so perfect. I'd do it all over again if I could." I whisper truthfully, searching any hint of shock or surprise in his eyes. But all I'm met with is a comforting reassurance in which I can dissect his consideration.

"Spencer-"

"Have you ever been in love, Gaël?" I interrupt him. "I mean like really in love. Where you feel like you just can't breath if you're not with that _one_ person."

He watches me intently as he clearly mulls something over in his mind. Possibly fast forwarding through his young life in search of that one person that made him feel the way Ashley makes me feel every single day. Searching for that person that takes your breath away with the tilt of a head and the flash of a smile. He casts his eyes down briefly before looking right back at me.

"I guess not." He tells me quietly. His voice barely topping the quiet sound of the ticking clock, that I had stopped registering while my revelations .

"Than you can't understand." I say sadly, as I halfheartedly shrug my shoulders. "And you definitely can't understand what it feels like to not have any of your feelings reciprocated." I tell him as I get up from where I'm sitting. I hug my body closely, desperately wishing that it would be Ashley's arms that were wrapping around me. Shielding me from everything that might hurt me, protecting me in such a natural manner like she's done so effortlessly since day one. I slowly saunter towards his front door, not even bothering to say my goodbyes. But Gaël has other plans. Plans that come in the form of his comforting voice.

"Ashley never wanted to set us up. She was against it since the beginning." He says as I hear him walk towards me. My hand nervously clenches and unclenches the golden doorknob that parts me from these heavy words and my ignorance.

"Joel has been pressuring her for months to introduce us. She denied him every single time, Spencer. I honestly didn't know why she suddenly changed her mind. Why she was suddenly pushing me towards you." He continues telling me in his authentic comforting and collected way. It's in complete contrast with my inner spirits. Because he's making all the valuable points, he's asking all the money questions I've been dying to know the answers of.

"And then I just figured it out, you know?" He tells me and it makes my shaky hand slide off the knob. Because this is the part in which he'll tell me about my lack of subtleness. About his brilliant discovery of my hidden agenda.

"I figured it out by the way she looked at you. The way she'd always hold you closer when I was around. The way she was silently asking me to back off." He whispers quietly, but his words never sounded louder than right this moment. I can feel my breath quickening and it takes everything in me not to hyperventilate. I close my eyes and it doesn't take long before recent memories play out in front of me.

--

_"You just look really pretty tonight, Spencer. Well, every night I mean. And day. But tonight even more." She tells me bashfully, ducking her head in the process. I don't think I ever seen her this timid and reserved, but it simply makes her all the more charming to me. Combine that with the sweet message she's passing me through and my internally swooning state can only be analyzed as a normal reaction._

_"Thank you." I tell her with a bright smile, after tipping her head back up. "But you already told me that." I tease lightly in effort to hide my ecstatic state of mind.  
" I know. I just wanted to remind you in case your date doesn't. Guys are stupid like that sometimes." She chuckles nervously, shifting my hand that is on hers until they're completely entwined._

_"It's not what is said that is important. It's the person that says it and the sincerity of it that matters. I don't need to hear it anymore from anyone else." I say slowly, my eyes completely fixated on hers. Gauging any reaction to this statement and any possibly hidden message she might have caught or not. She motionlessly keeps looking at me with her darkened eyes, unconsciously tightening the grip on my hand. She opens her mouth and is about to talk when a loud claxon brings us out of our reverie._

_--_

_"She's very protective of you, huh?" He says more in the form of an observation, than a genuine question._

_"Oh, not of me specifically." I say, trying to minimize her behavior. "It's just who she is." I shrug, keeping my eyes on the couple in front us. Trying hard to not look dejected at the hands that are possessively on her hips and the bright smile that isn't directed towards me._

_"Yeah, I doubt that." He scoffs, "I think she'd rather have Joel cheat on her than have you dating someone else." My eyes are instantly drawn back to his and I frown my eyebrows in confusion. Not really understanding where that thought came from and why he suddenly had the need to let me know._

_--_

_"Now, I'm not an attendee-expert, but I'm pretty sure lunch passed an hour ago." A warm and familiar voice interrupts me. For the second time in just a few days, we jump apart from our trance. We both look at the person in front us and I wonder whether I should thank him or curse him._

_"Gaël." I utter neutrally. I see Ashley looking at him, before shifting her gaze back at me. She keeps repeating that action a few times before hastily getting up._

_"Uhm .. I forgot, I have too .. uh.. I have to see Ms. Reynolds." She stutters, not raising her eyes from the ground. "I'm going to leave you both alone. See you later."_

_--_

_Gaël suddenly rises from his seat and her grasp immediately tightens while my body tenses. He bashfully faces us and it only causes me to uncharacteristically stiffen in her embrace. Suddenly thrown back into this cold shower that is reality. In which my feelings are supposed to be hidden from the judging eye. Ashley on the other hand is completely unfazed and brings her hands over my arms. Brushing them up and down in an agonizingly slow manner._

_"Uhm … I need to go to the bathroom." He says as he lands his gaze on anything but us. I awkwardly shift in her embrace that suddenly feels far too intimate and personal._

_"You can use the one in my room. Just down the corridor, last door. Can't miss it." She answers as unwaveringly as her touch. That seemingly only increases in intimacy and profoundness as the seconds ticks by. He briefly nods before he turns around and starts walking towards the corridor. Leaving us in our still too private position in this room, in this night that normally is only meant for us and no one else. I feel her soft fingers trickle up and down my arms and I start relaxing into her once more. Briefly enjoying our time alone before it gets interrupted again._

_--_

_"Uh, my mom just called, she needs me for something. So I'll have to leave." He explains while gesturing nervously towards the door. Somehow I don't believe a word out of his mouth and I doubt Ashley does too. His tentative tone and insecure posture giving him away mercilessly._

_"Okay." Ashley says evenly, not giving any sign of saying more or getting up from where she's seated. I simply let myself be engulfed by her hold and drawn by his eyes, feeling as a mere spectator to their barely-there-conversation._

_"Okay." He repeats awkwardly, while he shifts his eyes towards the front door._

_"Thanks for having me over, I appreciate it." He continues in attempt to ease the obvious tension that is slowly spreading through the air. He might've appreciated the invite at lunch today, but I doubt that he's appreciating it right now. The night has been nothing but an accumulation of awkward silences and secluded moments. Moments of which he didn't make a part of. Moments like the ones we were sharing throughout the whole movie, with him being the mere bystander on the side._

_"You're welcome." She answers unwaveringly, shifting our linked hands to my stomach and letting them rest there._

_--_

_"I wonder sometimes."_

_In this barely lit room of mine, her alluring eyes manage to draw every piece of my attention. Unconsciously illuminating the space between us with just the right amount. Diminishing any need to light the lamp on my bedside table. Entranced, I watch how her mahogany brown irises peacefully float in the pureness of white and protectively encircle the mystery of black. Engaged in a limbo of contrasts, easily threading one extreme with the other._

_"About what?" I ask quietly, tentavily. Afraid that if I speak just a little too loud, the moment will be lost and the peace within her eyes will vanish with it._

_But it doesn't. It barely even changes. The only thing that shifts is the motion of the hundreds of flecks of gold within her irises. Quietly swimming from one end to other. Blissfully participating to the whole of those mystifying eyes. The eyes that lured me into getting to know her, that enticed me to become her friend and that are tempting me to hope for more._

_"Stuff." She breathes out. "Things." She continues after a few moments, in effort to enhance her explanation. Only she isn't. She's only blurring it up even more._

_--_

_"And what are you looking for?" My mothers asks, voicing the question that lingers in the back of my mind. Asking what I've been wanting to ask for so long. And suddenly I love my mother for the braveness that I don't have. The braveness that I failed to inherit._

_Once again I feel her eyes glancing my way, but this time I look back. This time I dare to mix blue and brown outside my room. This time I challenge myself to not be as petrified as I would be. As I should be._

_"Racing hearts and clammy hands." She answers without missing a beat and without missing my eyes. But mostly, without missing my heart._

_--_

A squeeze of my shoulder brings me back to the present and my eyes immediately shoot open. I barely have time to start processing all of the thoughts that are coursing through my mind, before he gives one more thing to think about. One more statement to fuel the present chaos that's already running in my head right now.

"I've seen Ashley at a lot of parties in the past. And she can drink like no other." He says, not shifting his hand from my shoulder. As if he knows that his touch, his hold on me is the only thing that's holding my body up at this point. "And she can also hold her liquor like no other."


	16. Chapter 14

**A/N: I want to thank you guys for every single review you've written. Short or long. They mean the world of me. Some of them have even got me aww-ing and blushing. So thank you. I appreciate it very muchly. I will have to dissapoint you though, because this will be the last update in a while. I'm heading to Morocco for a little over three weeks, so I won't be able to write anything in that time-span. I will continue this story once I'm back, though.**

**Thanks once again and enjoy the update.**

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-  
_Or does it explode?_  
-

I've never had to knock on her front door before to announce my presence. She had given me my own set of keys the day she took hold of her place. She had never considered it to really be _hers_. She considered it as _ours_ and it was something that I relished to the fullest. Our own little private space, that we could enjoy in our intimacy. We had already made plans about me fully moving in once we graduated. We made the deal to both attend UCLA no matter what the situation and have our form of dorm-life right here. It's something we both have been looking forward to since the beginning of the year and I honestly think it's Ashley sole motivation to actually get some work done for school.

I have been standing here for exactly 23 minutes, shifting from one foot to the other. Lifting and lowering my clenching hand. Juggling between the braveness of facing her and the despondency of escaping through the darkness of this night of mixed emotions. This night that has been dragging too long for it to just be a regular night. I've already been feeling it in the air since the moment I laid down next to her on the damp grass. That unknown factor I could not recognize until now. That loaded factor that is slowly shaping up into something monumental. Something life alternating.

Breathe in, breathe out. Shut your eyes. Think of her smile. Think of her addictive touch. Think of all the feelings and emotions she evokes within you. Raise your clenched fist, steady it and knock.

Welcome to your new life.

The seconds tick by slowly, so slowly. Too slowly. They should know by now that they could so easily contribute to any form of hesitation on my part. Resulting in me chickening out once again. Because this still scares me. It terrifies me to no end. Because what if Gaël is wrong? What if he misread all of her signals and if he simply pitied me and wanted to give me a little hope? What if Ashley really was drunk and didn't remember a single thing of this night? What if she does remember but pretends she doesn't? I think that latter option might destroy me completely.

The night brings with it an eerie stillness and every lone sound that is produced, intensifies. And that's the reason why I can hear her bare feet padding along the hardwood floor. The familiar echo grants me a certain tranquility and it urges me to stay right there. To wait for her, because this is the right thing to do. I hear her fumbling with the lock and I back up a bit while I place my trembling hands in my back pockets. I see the door slowly opening and I only see her at the very last moment. Still dressed in the same –but now dried and crinkled – clothes from earlier tonight. Hair completely mussed and her mascara slightly smudged beneath her eyes. The first thing that comes to mind is that no matter how disheveled her clothes and make-up are, she still easily is the prettiest girl I had ever seen. And I can't deny the smile that's slowly creeping on my face, momentarily forgetting about the delicate situation I had worked myself into. She rewards me with one of her own and everything seems so perfectly okay again. Everything feels so naturally Spencer and Ashley again.

"Hey you." She rasps quietly into the air as she casually leans against the doorframe. I bashfully duck my head in effort to hide my blushing cheeks, because she still can affect me so easily. With barely a look and a few words, she's got me completely in her grasp. Unconsciously influencing everything I say and do.

"Hi." I reply quietly as I chance myself to look back up to her. Her eyes roam over my form and I realize that I was probably looking like a mess. She shifts her intense gaze over to my face and quietly studies every inch of it.

"You were crying." She states matter-of-factly, probably noticing the remains of my earlier tears. She twists her face in a mixture of anger and sadness. She doesn't like it when I cry, she doesn't like it when I'm in any sort of pain. But most of all she doesn't like it when I don't come to her with that hurt, with the explanations behind the tears. And it's something I've done too much in the past year. Even if I had hidden it quite well in the beginning, there were moments that she just knew. Trough my halfhearted smiles and hollow laughs, she'd recognize the agony and endure the hurt of my secrecy around it.

"I-"

"Ashley, I can't find my shirt!", a familiar voice interrupts me from inside the loft. It's that same voice that had interrupted so many of our meaningful moments before. And every single time I had cursed him silently for it. Silently, because he had every right to do so. He was her significant other, whereas I was the disposable third wheel. But this was different. He had lost every single right to come in between me and Ashley, when she had broken up with him. When she had finally realized that Joel wasn't what she was looking for. I close my eyes because I don't think I can handle looking at her right now. I don't think I can handle the possibility of her breaking the one promise she had made and always held.

_"You now that it's always going to be you and me, Spence." She whispers, her hands still cupping my face, assuring me both mentally and physically of her omnipresence. "No one is ever going to take in your place. Ever." She tells me sincerely, "You'll always be my number one."_

Most of all, I can't handle the possibility that she really doesn't feel same about me as I do about her. That my hopes were finally, truly going to be shattered along with the friendship we've always shared. Because how can I bring myself to still maintain being her best friend after this? How do I know that she even _wants_ to maintain this friendship?

I flutter my eyes open and I watch her with her mouth slightly ajar. As if, she did not expect this turn of events. As if, the voice inside surprised her as much as it surprised me. And the hopeful part of me hopes that she indeed had no idea he was in there looking for his shirt. A shirt of which I do not want to know how it got lost in the first place. I see her trying to come up with an explanation, but I don't give her the chance to find the words. Brokenly, I shake my head in disappointment and feel my eyes welling up once more tonight. I slowly turn around and walk away from her.

I don't run, I don't stumble, I just walk away. My movements slow and mechanical, unable to find the strength to flee like I did earlier. Drained both emotionally and physically not only from this night, but from this entire last year filled with secretive longing and desperate hopes. I hear her calling my name, but I don't look back as I keep walking aimlessly. That doesn't stop her from running after me and turning me around to face her. I don't fight it, I just follow the directed moves and let her call the shots again. Only this time, I don't do out of choice or feel comforted by it. I only do it because I don't have the energy to do something else. To react on my own.

"Spence, I can explain. Please let me explain." She tells me frantically as she puts her soft hands over my wet cheeks. I let her cup them, I even let her brush the tears off of my face because it's what she's supposed to do. Because this move, this moment is _us_. And it feels too good, too familiar to deny it. My eyes meet hers and I'm not surprised to find tears forming in them too. Because the importance of this moment is not lost on her. She knows what can come out of it. She knows that this moment might mean the end of us. She leans in closer and presses her forehead to mine, never taking her eyes off of me. Tears keep dropping from my eyes and she keeps catching them one by one.

"Once together …" She sighs, pleads almost, inches from my mouth. The common words only intensifies the dull ache in my heart and I just can bring myself to reply like I've always done so easily. Because for the first time, I doubt the sincerity and truthfulness of them. I begrudgingly untangle myself from her grasp, even though her hands and her eyes are pleading me not to. I take a few steps back from her, because I know that I won't be able to do this if I keep myself in her direct presence.

"Do you-" I stop myself, taking my time to breathe in a shaky breath. "Do you know how long I've wanted this? How much I've wanted this." I sigh dejectedly. Knowing what I wanted to say, but not really how to say it. Everything was just so hard.

"Spencer-"

"He doesn't deserve you, Ashley. He never did." I say as I gesture towards her place. I can see her wanting to respond to me, but she takes my silent hint to let me keep talking. To let me finally say all of the things I've kept hidden from her for so long. All of the weighing secrets that caused the beginning of my emotional downfall.

"You say that it's so hard for you to see anyone hurting me or treating me like I don't deserve to be treated. But do you have any idea how hard it was for me to see you dating someone who takes you for granted?" I whisper as more tears cascade down my cheeks. I wrap my arms around myself as I shift my eyes from her glazed ones. Diverting my attention to her place, _our_ place, that is being tainted right this moment by his presence. "Who doesn't appreciate your smiles like he should? Who doesn't relish every single moment he shares with you?" I continue my desperate monologue as I shift my gaze back to her. Studying her sad and slightly stunned features.

"Who doesn't love you like he should?" I say so quietly, I wonder if she even catches it. But her darkened orbs tell me she caught every syllable of it loud and clear. I swallow on the thick lump in my throat as I search those sorrowful browns. Really search for them, even more than previously. Needing to gaze deeply into them as she gazes into mine with the same intensity. Needing her to finally sense the unlocking of all of my hidden truths. "Who doesn't love you like I do." I croak out hoarsely. Her lips part, ready to react to my words but I silence her once again with the shake of my head.

"I'm so in love with you, Ash." I sigh so softly, so genuinely. Finally, uttering the words that have been on my lips for so long but that never got the chance to resound outside of myself. She doesn't show any sign to respond this time. Completely dumbfounded by my confession. Seemingly paralyzed by those few words. And it only makes me continue my admission, realizing that this might be my sole chance to share with her what she deserves to know.

"I've been in love with you for so long. And it killed me-" I pause briefly to wipe away the tears that are blurring my vision. Blurring the girl in front of me in that twisted ironic sense, as if the universe was mocking me. Laughing at the fact that I could wipe my tears as much as I wanted, but it won't change the fact that she'll truly be fading from my life starting from this instant on. "It killed me that I couldn't tell you. It killed me that _you_ couldn't tell." I manage to let out through the sobbing.

"Tingling bodies, racing hearts, clammy hands …" I say softly, shrugging my shoulders halfheartedly. "That was all you, Ash." I laugh bitterly, as I take a hesitant step forward before finding the strength to stop myself again. "It's always been you." I finish barely above a whisper. I continue looking at her stunned expression as she lets everything dawn on her. Visibly processing each of my words in her mind. I know I will be replaying every second of this moment later one. Because this is the instant in which I finally will step away from my hopes and dreams. From the one person I loved more than life itself.

I hesitate for one lingering moment. Wondering if I could trace her lips with mine one last time. But I quickly disperse that longing thought of my mind, knowing that it wouldn't be fair to either one of us. That it would makes things even harder then they are right now. And as these bitter tears continue falling over our faces, I slowly back away again. This time with her eyes firmly on mine, letting her follow my route. Because as I hear his voice calling for her once again, I know that it's time.

I find the strength to tear my eyes away from hers as I turn around. Steadily walking away, as I hear my name resounding along the sound of my breaking heart. Brokenly stumbling away as I feel rain droplets falling on me once again. Washing away the last remains of this indeed life alternating night. Quietly wishing it could have been monumental in a different kind of way.


	17. Chapter 15

**A/N: So yeah, I decided to update once more before leaving. I read the comments over here and the Spashley-board and I felt bad ;) This is truly the last one though. I'll see you guys in a few weeks!**

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Four days. That's the amount of time that I had not seen or talked to her. It's been the longest time we've been apart since she had left for Venice. But these four days seemed like an eternity. Because everything was so different from back then. It felt life the start of our ending. The end of our epic friendship and any hopes of becoming more than just that.

Four days is how long I've been neglecting her incessant phone calls. Erasing each and every one of her messages before I'd even read them. With drenched eyes and shaking hands, I tried to move on from her. Far too hurt to hear her explanations, to give our friendship another shot.

Four days, I've been practically living solely in this dark room of mine. Only leaving when necessary. Not even attending school, because I had convinced my parents that I was ill. And in some way I was. Because the ache I felt in my chest, felt worse than any other illness I had ever endured. They knew, though. How could they not after I've refused to invite her in my room every single time she showed up. Desperately pleading through my parents to see me. But I couldn't. It would make things just so much harder. Nothing good would come out of it eventually and I don't think that my fragile heart can handle another beating. Another letdown, another confrontation with the hurtful reality that only leaves me in an agony I do not wish to feel anymore.

Four days, I have barely slept. My mind and body unable to adjust to these nights without her. Incapable of filtering her out of my system. Needing that warm breath by my ear, that slender arm wrapping around my waist, that raspy voice wishing me a good night sleep. Glaring red digits across of me are painfully reminding me of those needs. Of her absence in this now too cold and too large bed of mine. Even though her tight embrace clouded my mind too much to grant me any more sleep than now, at least it granted me the chance to bask in her presence. To feel her pressed too me in that divine way, she only can.

And it makes me wonder if I really had done the right thing in telling her. In exposing everything for once and for all. I took a risk on a win or lose situation and I ended up losing it all. Fulfilling every single one of my fears since I first started dealing with my feelings towards her. Maybe this was what destiny had in store for us. Maybe we we're meant to share something so special and unique for 12 amazing years and nothing more. Maybe there's nothing that can be done to change that fate.

I jump up a bit when I hear some ruffling by my window. I turn around and squint my eyes, noticing her slim form wriggling through my opened pane. I'm about to protest when I think of how the windowpane got unlocked in the first place. I had left it open for the last four nights, something I've never done before. And it's only now that I realize that my subconscious self did not agree with my own decisions. That I had left that window unfastened in the hopes that she would somehow wriggle herself into this room of mine. In the hopes that fate _could_ be changed. Granting her that one loophole back into my life. That one chance to somehow still fix this. Even though nothing seems more harder now. Even if it now just seems like a desperate cry for something that cannot be salvaged. Something that is still in the process of finishing, but is ending nonetheless.

"Ashley." I whisper breathlessly as I see her soundlessly jump into my room. I shift my body until I'm fully facing her, waiting for her next move, her next words. Needing her to give me a reason to let her be in my presence. Because as much as I love her, as much as I've been dying to see those perfect features framed by her wild curls again, I know that this impromptu break-in might only add to my already increasing heartache. I study every inch of her face, feeling as if I had been denied of it for years and years. Seeing her eyes display an unknown tiredness and noticing wrinkles that were inexistent before. She had suffered from the past four days just as much as me, maybe even more. Even though I don't want to believe that I had caused her that much pain. I'd never want her to feel any type of agony, no matter what the situation we were in. It's something that would never change in my state of mind. Just like how she'll always be the only person I'd truly love. No time apart would ever change that.

She slowly start sauntering towards me. One hesitant step at a time, never taking her eyes off of mine. Seemingly afraid that one sudden move might propel me out of her reach. I can't blame her for doing so, because I honestly don't have any faith in my impulsive movements myself. As she keeps moving towards the side of the bed, my body adapts to her own directions. Slowly shifting until I'm completely facing her. Lowering my bare feet of the bed until they meet the carpet beneath them. The whole process moves by without one of us diverting their eyes from their counterpart. Rediscovering each other through those orbs. Asking silent and unintelligible questions, quietly pleading things we've yet to understand ourselves.

She leisurely kneels on the carpet in front of me, placing herself right in between my legs. I carefully follow each and one of her languid movements. Mentally and physically preparing myself for what may come. This closeness I have missed so dearly over the course of these past days. The thought that I could share the same space with her, without feeling the guilt and hurt wash over me. Because she's still that perfect best friend I desperately fell for. She's still that girl that makes my breath hitch with solely her presence. She hesitantly brings up her hands, her dark chocolate eyes still deeply gazing into mine, and tentatively covers my clasped ones. Effectively blurring the brief coherency in my mind as my eyes flutter shut. Letting myself get overwhelmed by her innocent and soft touch. Making me realize how much I craved it in the first place. Wondering how I ever was strong enough to deny it in the first place.

She squeezes them briefly, but fondly, assuring me of her genuine presence. Pledging to me that this wasn't a distant dream of which I'll awake any moment from now. She gently untangles my hands from each other, ultimately causing my eyes to flutter back open. Suddenly seeing her so more clearly now. Slowly but surely, feeling her eyes enlightening my dark room once again. Perfecting the comforting motion she's done numerous times before.

She guides one hand to her chest and tenderly flattens it upon it. I quickly feel the rapid thump of her heart and I briefly wonder the cause of it. I worriedly look down at her but she's the one to silence me this time around.

"Do you feel that, Spence?" She rasps quietly, lightly pushing my hand more upon her chest. She threads my other hand with hers and unhurriedly lifts them into the air. Letting them link somewhere in between our quivering bodies. Only now feeling the tremble of her hand and the undeniable moisture that has gathered on her palm.

"Do you?" She asks me again. Catching the purpose behind her whispered questions. Understanding the true meaning behind her words, knitting these simple actions to them.

"Racing hearts and clammy hands." She says, voicing what my mind was still processing. Once more, finishing my thoughts without even hearing them. Easily reading my mind like no other. Making me wonder if I ever successfully hid anything from her. "I've found what I've been looking for." She finishes barely above a whisper, clutching my hands even more tightly into hers. With those words, she voices everything I've always wanted to hear. Fulfilling my once seemingly unattainable hopes and wishes. Granting me something I had already labeled as impossible, something that I had buried along with my longing crush.

The tears fall almost immediately and I can't decipher them anymore. I can't make out if they're the tears of relief and happiness, the ones I've been wanting to shed for so long. Or tears of the bittersweet. Tears I've encountered so many times already. Too many times.

"You … Joel …" I manage to let out brokenly. It's the only thing my voice manages to say and I know Ashley doesn't need more to understand what I'm trying to say. Her eyes immediately widen, clearly alarmed as she untangles her hands from mine. They quickly find their common resting place again, as she tenderly places them on my cheeks. Gently urging me to look at her.

"Some scout noticed Joel while one of his ballgames." She explains slowly. Desperately trying to calm her voice in order to clarify everything to me once and for all. Only she was making it harder, because I didn't have a clue where she was going with this. "He invited him over to train with some other talents at their facility in New York for two weeks." She continues, before she briefly stops to move a lock of hair behind my ear.

"When you left-" She begins, voice slightly cracking at the mention of my sudden departure that night. Instantly feeling the guilt wash over me once again. "I went back to my place and I found him waiting at the front door." I slightly shake my head, not enjoying the memory one bit. But she's determined to continue her explanation as she steadies my face between her hands once again. I comply and await the rest of her words.

"He has this shirt he wears for every big match. He believes that it brings him luck." She says, brushing the remaining tears from my face. I slightly frown my brows. Trying to make sense of her words.

"He wanted to take it with him to New York. You know, being as superstitious as he is." She tells me, her voice now steadier then before. The puzzle pieces finally falling into place. I drag my trembling hands over her arms until they meet their counterpart. Threading my fingers with hers as I lower them to my lap. "He couldn't find it anymore. He thought that it might be over in my place. He was leaving the next morning so I let him in." She finishes quietly. Bashfully waiting for my reaction that wasn't coming. Because what can I say to this? How can I possibly react to this, after my hasty and unreasonable conclusion? Never giving her the chance to explain herself. Opting to listen to my stubborn mind, instead of the girl that never failed to disappoint me. How could I've ever doubted the promises she had never broken before? Most of all, what do I make of this explanation combined with her earlier confession? The thought of it alone seems so unreal, that I'm still waiting for that one catch.

"I've been wanting to tell you, but you just left off with Gaël and I thought … and then you came back and I was so happy, but you left again and J-" I don't let her finish her rambling as I slide myself from my bed and into her arms. Crushing my body into hers, burying myself so deep into her that we might as well form one whole. Her arms are already soothingly running up and down my back, when the sobbing increases. Comforting me like no other person can. Breathless apologies are whispered from both ends as we remain tangled with each other on the ground. Leisurely swaying back and forth as I let the tears fall down. Tears that I finally welcome wholeheartedly, because these are the ones I've truly been waiting for. And as I feel her pressing a sound kiss on top of my hair and I follow it with my own kiss on the fair skin of her clavicle (a place I've always wanted to seal with my lips), I know everything will be alright again. I know that tomorrow there will be conversations and explanations. But tonight, there's only us and the sound of our synchronized hearts.

"Once together …" I hear her whispering above me. I nuzzle my nose along her neck and this time I don't withhold myself. This time I don't hesitate. Because this time, I don't doubt.

"Never apart."


	18. Chapter 16

Streaming sunlight makes me eyes lightly flutter open. For a moment, I'm completely lost. Wondering, where I am, what day it is and what had happened the day before. A sudden amnesia that isn't too foreign within my mornings. But today it's only intensified. And the warmth that's engulfing me and the light tickling by my ear only increase the cloudiness of my mind. My blurry eyes rapidly flutter open and close in attempt to focus on my surroundings. In attempt to leave the intimidating unknown and enter the safe familiarity.

I lightly shift in effort to lift myself up, but a firm and securing hold brings me back down. Silently asking me to maintain where I am. I give in and choose to shift my eyes this time. Instantly focusing on the familiarity I was looking for. The safety I will never fail to long. The person I will never fail to cherish. And bit by bit, everything slowly comes back to me. Through her heartfelt eyes, the comings and goings of last night rapidly enter my mind. Through the soft stroke of her hand, I begin to realize each and one of their consequences. And through the steady beat of heart, the one I still feel thumping beneath my outstretched hand, I take them for what they are and revel in it. Because I'm done with running. I'm done with escaping from any chance for happiness. I'm done with letting so-called fate screwing me over, instead of taking the initiative to shape it.

She stops stroking my hair, opting to let her long fingers bury in my locks instead. And it's all okay. Because every motion she makes, every motion she ends is perfect in its simplicity. From those fingers that are buried in my hair, to the leg that's securely draped over mine, to the eyes that never leave mine and the nose that barely brushes mine. Everything is so peaceful, so comfortable it's scary. Because moments like these shouldn't exist in reality. They should only be seen in unrealistic films and be read in historic novels. They shouldn't be existing right here in this childhood bed of mine. This bed that was bought to only cradle a single person to sleep. This bed that shouldn't have to carry two bodies at once, along with the heaviness of their emotions. Along with the weight of every single feeling that merged between them. But just like me, this bed has come a long way. Happily adjusting to everything that was happening around her. This kind of moment shouldn't be unfolding right here, right now. But it is, anyway.

And it's all okay.

"Hi." She rasps quietly. Carefully ending the silence within us. Careful, because she feels the heaviness of this moment too. And she's just as vigilant about not breaking it. But just like every other time, she chooses to take the first step. She chooses to let me breathe properly and not worry about anything else. Because the braveness? This not-running-away thing, I'm trying? It's going to take time and she's perfectly aware of it. She's perfectly aware of all my needs and wants. And that thought makes me breathe in freely. Just like I know that she wants me too.

"Hi." I reply just as softly. Just as shyly. Taking me back to those days of childhood naivety. To the days where getting dirty in the woods with your best friend equaled the best day of your life.

--

_"Spence, let me see." She pleads again as I cover my eyes with my good hand. I reluctantly stretch my injured hand towards the sound of her concerned voice. Refusing to uncover my eyes and watch the damage I had caused. I feel her fingers softly wrapping around my own and her touch instantly relaxes me a bit. I feel her other hand ever-so-lightly brushing over the bruised skin. She quickly mumbles a 'sorry' when I lightly hiss at the touch. But the sound was more out of fear and automatism than sheer pain._

_"How bad is it?" I ask in fear, still not daring to look at my hand. The fall I had taken was pretty bad and even if I felt scrapes and bruises forming on several parts of my legs and arms, they were nothing compared to the stinging and burning pain that instantly shot in my palm. Ashley was instantly by my side to pick up the pieces. Soothing my panicked state with her calm voice. But blood makes me queasy and when I felt the thick and warm liquid cover my palm, ever ounce of calmness left my body._

_"Not that bad." She answers reassuringly, as she cradles my hand between hers with utmost care._

_"You're lying." I accuse lamely, as I pout. "You just wanna make me feel better." I continue to sulk when I hear her sigh._

_"That too." She says with a hint of amusement. "Spence, it's just a cut with a whole lot of blood. You'll see it for yourself when it stops." She assures me sweetly as she loosens one hand from the grasp and lets the other gently cover the blooding. I suddenly feel her lowering the hand that covers my eyes. I let her do so, but refuse to open my eyes. Still not comfortable with seeing any amount of the blood that's now covering both our hands._

_"Open your eyes, Spence." She urges me gently._

_"No." I say firmly as I shake my head for emphasis. "You know how I feel around blood, Ash!"_

_"Do you trust me?" She suddenly asks, as I feel her squeezing my injured hand in the softest of ways._

_"Of course I do." I answer without missing a beat. It's a question she shouldn't be asking me after five years of inseparable friendship. But something in me tells me that she wasn't the one that needed that confirmation._

_"Then open your eyes." She repeats sweetly. This time I don't hesitate as I flutter my eyes back open. Letting them get used to the brightness of the sun, as they focus on the person beside me. As they focus on the kind eyes that are taking care of me._

_"Hi." She whispers, letting her face get adorned with a sly smile. Instantly making me forget about any bruise I might have, any pain I might feel. Understanding that this was her plan all along._

_"Hi." I answer in the same hushed tone. We look each other for awhile, simply letting our eyes get lost in the other. Her purpose being to make me forget about the pain, my purpose being to assure her that it is forgotten. And maybe something more, maybe not. I don't know and right now, I don't really care._

_"I told you to hold on to me. You didn't." She suddenly says, frowning. Ending our comfortable silence. She's referring to my fall. The moment I immediately let go of her hand as I felt myself slip over the sharp and slippery stones by the edge of the river._

_"I .. I didn't want you to get hurt." I explain shakily. Knowing just how worked up Ashley could get over this. She shakes her head disapprovingly, before she opens her mouth to say something. But not a word comes out as she ducks her head._

_"Ash-" I rapidly stop my plea as I see her fetching something from her pocket. I quickly recognize the shiny red Swiss army knife her father had given her behind her mothers back. She gently puts my injured hand on her lap, palm down so that I don't have to see the damage, as she snaps out a knife. I watch with widened eyes as she brings it to the soft flesh of her own palm._

_"Ash, what are you doing!" I yell panicked, as I reach for the pocket knife in attempt to stop what she's about to do._

_"It's okay, Spence. Don't look." She assures me. And something in her soothing voice and comforting eyes, makes me retreat my hand. Lets her finish off her action. Her eyes bore into mine as she cuts her flesh, following her request to not look. Knowing that I couldn't handle to see blood gushing out of my own wounds, let alone hers. I sense her dropping the pocket knife, before I feel her picking up my injured hand once again. Placing it caringly against her newly injured one. Bloodied palm to bloodied palm they stand in between our bodies. Letting our liquids merge with each other. Forming a new fluid on their one. Suddenly any fear of blood, any queasiness I had before seems momentarily lost._

_"When you bruise, I bruise Spence." She tells me sincerely, letting her fingers intertwine with mine as she pushes her palm a little steadier against mine. "When you hurt, I hurt." She continues, voice thick and eyes dark. "We're in this together. Don't ever forget that." She finishes off and I can't do anything but lethargically nod. Still far too lost in her actions, in this moment. Feeling everything shift with just one deed, in just one instant. Sensing our already strong friendship escalating to different heights. Understanding that the intimacy we share is not common and ordinary. Knowing that we, indeed, are in this together. And it won't end anytime soon._

_"I won't."_

--

Her hand leisurely travels from my hair to my cheek. Letting it simply rest there, just like so many other times. Yet, this time feels different in every way. Feels more loaded with emotions than ever.

"You are so beautiful." She whispers barely above a whispers. So quietly, I almost miss it. So quietly, I wonder if it wasn't me that was talking. Because how can she ever proclaim that with such sincerity, with such love when she's the only one worth looking at.

"Do you know that?" She asks rhetorically, as she lets her eyes wander from mine to my lips and back. She lets her hand shift once again, this time across the sensitive skin of my neck and throat. Briefly making my eyes flutter in effort to suppress the heavy sigh I so desperately want to heave. "So beautiful." She repeats in a hush as she lets her hand travel further down. Mirroring my actions as she flattens it on my chest. Needing the reassurance of my beating heart, just like I need hers. Letting that thump encourage and comfort us to take the different route we're about to take. Making them mend together in one synchronized harmony, just like we let our crimson fluids merge with one another seven years ago.

She shifts a bit closer to me until her forehead is pressed to mine and the tips of our noses brush each others cheeks. I feel her warm breaths heaved upon my agitated lips and my eyes cannot remain open. A small shift within her movements, brings her top lip briefly in contact with my bottom one and a muffled moan escapes her lips. Our hands remains on one's chests and just like I feel her heart rapidly increasing in pace, I know she feels the same with mine.

We continue our tormenting game of back and forthness, until we both can't take it anymore. Until we both give in. Letting our eager lips brush each other in the softest and sweetest of ways. Barely feeling the pressure as we remain motionless. Simply reveling in one's touch and feel. Reveling in the fact that this can actually happen without the fear of someone walking away. The fear of having it be the last of kisses and the last of touches. But soon, too soon it ends as she barely parts my lips from her. Knowing that if I shift half an inch, her already addictive lips would be on mine again. But I don't move. I let our foreheads touch and our noses brush, but I don't shift. Because we both know that this isn't the way. We both know that this isn't time. No matter how much we crave it. No matter how much it aches not to give in.

"We need to talk."


	19. Chapter 17

Slowly, but surely, the sun is setting down in the background. Painting the sky with thousands of intense orange and red hues. Enthralling us with its splendor and beauty. Somehow intensifying the beauty of the person across of me. Illuminating her perfect facial structure. Revealing an inch, an ounce of the reason why I've fallen for her. Why there has never been a single person in my life whom I felt so incredibly connected to, so in sync with, besides her. Why I can never imagine meeting anyone who comes even close to her.

This sundown only reveals a fraction of why I've fallen for her, because her inner beauty overcomes any of her outer perfections. Because as I sit here across of her, high on these rusty bars with my legs dangling off of them and into the chilled air, I realize just how good she knows me. How good she knows _us_. I realize how thoughtful she is and how she fills the smallest of gestures with the heaviest load of emotions. How she never fails to do a single thing without affecting me. And how she does it all so naturally.

I haven't been here in years and I'm assuming that she hasn't either. In fact, I'm assuming no one has and that we were one of its last visitors. If I try hard enough, I can still hear the sounds of careless laughing and childish shenanigans. On this playground that's now so deserted and blank. On this jungle gym that's now so rusty and barely standing. I always wondered if she remembered. Withholding the fact that we were eight and that our childhoods were adventures day in, day out. Ignoring the fact that so much has already happened in our young lives. That it would be impossible to remember every single fraction of it. But somehow, I remember close to everything about our shared moments. Perhaps I try to cherish the most important moments in my life – the ones I shared with Ashley – and block the insignificant ones. The ones without Ashley. Perhaps gestures like these, gestures she never fails to make, all bring back those memories so easily.

She finally diverts her eyes from the scenery around us and focuses them on me. Unknowingly backing up my theory. The one I have about the ever changing color of her eyes. Because right know, under this fading sun, they illuminate a color I can't even decipher. Perfectly accompanying my ignorance about what may come. About the unknown words that will come out of her mouth. The ones I've been dying to find out about from the very beginning.

She's looking at me so intently, so profoundly that it makes me wonder if we even need any spoken words to communicate normally. After all, normalcy never was a part of our friendship. Of our relationship. Our connection. She gently bites her lower lip before briefly averting her eyes from mine. Looking down through the maze of bars beneath us. Searching for something that isn't there. And as she leisurely lifts her head back up, flashing me a secretive smile along the way, I know she remembers. I know that our memories aren't only highlighted within my mind but hers too. And I know that she remembers the first kiss we shared. The first kiss we shared with anyone. The one we shared right on top of this jungle gym, both barely eight years old. With the innocence of our childish self and the profoundness of an everlasting friendship.

_--_

_"One, two, three …"_

_A hair's breadth separates us as I see her forcefully closing her eyes. Vehemently following my instructions in order to do this right. Nervousness paints her normally so carefree face and I softly brush my thumbs over her cheeks. Instantly feeling the vigor and tenseness leaving her body. Pleased with her relaxed state, I close my own eyes. Fulfilling my own instructions. The ones I created not through experience, but through the images of my parents kissing lovingly. Somehow making me discover an unknown façade of the action._

_I slowly lean in, before I lightly back up once again. Briefly wondering if I really need to do this to show her what a kiss is. And what the big deal is if I do. Concluding that it's only a matter of time before we kiss any way. Because we're always going to be together and kisses like these will become routine._

_I lean back in and this time I don't back up. This time I let my let my lips brush hers in the faintest of ways. Barely feeling the pressure of hers. Letting them linger there as I unconsciously tighten my hold on her face. Fulfilling this innocent, but profound action. Barely letting my lips move against her motionless ones. And as I part them from hers, I know it's enough. I know it's enough for now, because we got all the time in the world._

_My eyes slowly flutter back open and I meet her still closed ones. I brush my thumb over her left cheek, before I softly retreat my hands and lean back. Her eyes remain closed for a little while longer and I silently keep watching her. It doesn't take long before she too leisurely opens her eyes and anxiousness fills my body._

_"So … Was it gross?" I shyly ask after a few silent moments. Unable to suppress the question._

_"No, not gross." She answers slightly dazed as she shakes her head. "It felt weird. You know, in a good way." She continues rambling as I frown in confusion. "It was nice." She finishes off in a sigh._

_"Weird or nice?"_

_"Nice, no weird. Both." She finally says, desperately trying to explain her thoughts without hurting my feelings. "You know, it's like … kissing cotton candy. Cotton candy is nice. It was nice. Real nice." She rambles softly. Silently asking me for any confirmation of her musings._

_"Yeah, it was nice." I assure her, not able to hold back a smile. "Nice like cotton candy." I conclude repeating her words of interpretation. She rewards me with her own smile and for a while we simply remain sitting across of each other, secretive smiles meeting their counterparts. I break the moment by lightly raising myself._

_"Last one to the creek has to eat an extra plate of mom's food!" I laughingly yell, as I begin to climb down before she can even get out of her daze and stand up._

_"Hey, that's cheating!"_

--

"I've always felt something between us." She begins, bringing me back to the present time. She stares towards the view behind me, not focusing on me as she talks. "Something special, you know. Something that wasn't present with anyone else. Not with Joel, not with anyone." She stops for a moment, squinting her eyes before landing them on me again.

"I just didn't know what." She says looking at me intently for a few seconds, before lowering her gaze once again. Now focusing on her fiddling hands instead.  
"It just came so naturally, you know." She continue still not looking up. "It's always been like that with us. It is what it is, no questions asked." She says softly, voicing the musings I shared for numerous years. Until I couldn't help but face the questions I was afraid to ask myself. "And it was exactly what I needed, what I craved. Just to be with you without having to think about it, without having to care about the stupid gossiping around us." She whispers voice thick with emotion. She lifts her head up and gazes to the left. Gazes to the sun that's now only halfway visible. For a moment I contemplate to tip her face my way, but I step away from the thought. Thinking back to all the courage _I_ needed to divulge my own sentiments.

"And then came Joel," She scoffs into the air, shaking her head a bit. "He didn't fail to ask the questions I wasn't searching for." She says keeping her eyes firmly focused on the setting sun. Needing that one focal point to concentrate so she can continue voicing her words. "He was on my back from the moment he understood that you were still my number one." My heart briefly flutters at those words. Remembering them from when they were first uttered. In the bathroom of that club in which I felt our connection being disturbed for the first time. In which I felt I was losing her. But she made a promise and she had kept it wholeheartedly.

"It only got worse with time and I kept telling him that he was being delusional, you know." She explains when I notice the goose bumps covering her bare arms. And it's only then that I feel the chilled air around us. "He kept pushing for a blind date between you and Gaël. I kept denying him." She whispers. I reach out my hands and cover her arms. Her gaze instantly shifts towards me. I give her an assuring smile, before I start brushing my hands up and down her cold arms. Partly warming her up a bit, partly reassuring her to continue. Her eyes shift from my eyes to my moving hands. Until she finally keeps them rested on my face.

"I didn't want to ask myself any questions when it came to you, but I didn't want to grant you to anyone else either. I was selfish." She says frowning. I want to say something, but nothing comes out. So I decide to simply keep my hands in motion. Soothing her way to comfort and relaxation. "So one day I decided to give in to the whole hooking up idea. Maybe so that I could prove to Joel that he was wrong. Soothe his mind. Maybe, I wanted to soothe mine." She says barely above a whisper and I briefly stop my hands. Opting to gaze intently into her eyes, searching for the answers behind her words.

"The day of the date, when I saw you in that blue dress, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. Not because of the date itself, but just because of all these conflicting emotions and thoughts that were let loose on me the moment I laid eyes on you. I wanted clarity, but I only got lost even deeper." She chuckles lightly before lowering her gaze once again. But this time I don't let her stray away from me, lifting her chin until her eyes are right back on mine. Lowering my hand on her arm until it tangles with hers. Squeezing it in reassurance and understanding. Because those conflicting emotions are far more familiar to me than she probably thinks.

"I was feeling things. Things that I had never felt before. Things I was supposed to feel with Joel, you know. Things I _couldn't_ feel with you." She clarifies, her gaze firmly focused on mine. Voicing the exact same fears I have been enduring until last night.

"I couldn't feel them, because I didn't know what you felt. And I felt like I was slowly losing you already-"

"You were never losing me Ashley." I quickly interrupt, not understanding where that thought suddenly came from. Rake up moments in my head to think of anything that might've lead to that conclusion.

"You were becoming distant. You- … You barely held me anymore. You never backed away from me, but you practically never initiated any touch, any contact between us again. It sounds stupid, but that hurt me Spence. And it scared me more than anything. The thought of losing you? It terrified me." She says, voice faltering lightly. I reach for her other hand and tangle it with mine just like my other. Lightly brushing soothing circles over the back of it.

"Ash, those conflicting emotions? Those scary feelings you didn't know what to think off? The insecurity, the fear to lose me? I've been going through for so long. So long, Ash." I tell her barely above my breath. "Do you know how many times I just wanted to reach out and hold you close to me without any guilt? Not even a kiss, just to hold you to me. To be with you carelessly just like old times?" I continue and I could already feel my eyes welling up. But I try my hardest to hold my tears back, because I needed to be the strong one for once. I needed to be the one who looked out for her, who supported her.

"When did you know?" She suddenly asks. Surprising me successfully with her question. I don't to pry any further, because I know exactly what she means.

"I felt it for the first time the night you had kidnapped me." I say with the hint of a smile. She watches me in confusion, not immediately recalling the night. "The night you took me to Venice." I clarify but her frown remains. She opens her mouth to say something, but noting comes out as realization hits her. And all that is left is a slightly dazed expression, seemingly astonished by how long ago that was. "That was one of the sweetest things you've ever done for me. It meant the world to me. And it made you leaving a little less worse." I finish of with a chuckle. Remembering how I replayed that night thousands of times in my heads when she was away.

"But I knew it when our Friday nights stopped being ours. When Joel started making a part of them. That first night-"

"In the bathroom." She recalls, squinting her eyes in remembrance. Letting all the pieces of the puzzle come together.

"That wasn't just a jealous best friend freak out." I say, laughing lightly. "When I saw you two together, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I couldn't handle it, but I couldn't stop it either. That's when I knew." I finish off, never taking my eyes over hers. Not even in this now fairly darkened park.

"When did … when did you know?" I repeat her question quietly. Shyly even. Still not used to the idea of her ever falling for me. Of having my feelings reciprocated and of having a chance to finally become the couple I've always wished for. She's the one who fondly squeezes my hand this time around before faintly tracing my finger with her thumb.

"The day we skipped school and actually stayed there. When we laid on the grass and talked, do you remember that?" She asks. How could I forget. The day of my first confessions. Albeit non-specified and probably confusing to her.

"Yeah." I answer hoarsely. Letting the emotions getting the best of me again.

"When I asked you-" She stops herself, taking a deep breath before continuing. "When you told my all those things. It was as if you were talking for me, you know. Like you had been there from day one and observed all my symptoms. And just like that you made your conclusion." She says before shrugging her shoulders. "I was in love. And who was I to counter you?"

Silence follows her confession as her eyes remain on mine. But the faraway look in them tells me that she isn't watching me. That her mind is already clouded with musings and questions she'd rather not deal with right now.

"I wanna try this, Spence. I really, really want to. Because I think that we owe it to ourselves." She begins in a genuine tone, finally refocusing her eyes on mine again. She untangles one of her hands with mine and softly cups my cheeks. Wakening a weakness within me as I fondly brush it to her palm. "But you have to promise me that we won't do it in expense of our friendship. That the moment it even comes close to hurting us, we stop it. I don't want to lose what we've shared for twelve years." She tells me so sincerely that it breaks my heart a little.

"You won't." I assure her.

"Promise me." She pleads with her strained voice. With her sorrow eyes. Her loving touch.

"I promise." I whisper genuinely. For once, being sure of something. Being confident of my future. Our future.

Because we're always going to be together …

I faintly shift my face until my lips brushes the skin of her palm. Soundly kissing it, while never ending the intense gaze we're sharing. Feeling her hand travel to the back of my neck, lightly warming my chilled skin.

"Hey Spence?" She asks and a mischievous smile appears.

"Yeah?" I retort, flashing my own sly smile.

"Last one to the creek has to eat an extra plate of your mom's food."

… and we have all the time in the world.


	20. Chapter 18

I had never been in a relationship before. The dates I had were purely the result of the persistent pursuing of others. With my mother being the most persuasive one. I guess no one ever understood why I didn't seek for any teenage romance or why I hadn't already developed a healthy crush here and there. The truth is, I never had the urge to search for that significant other. For the soul mate that understood me perfectly and vice versa. The person of which I'd do anything for without a second's thought. The one I couldn't ever imagine distancing myself off, because it would hurt me mercilessly.

I guess, the reason of my lack of interest in that search, was because I never really had to seek. I had already found them, or they had already found me, very early on. Transforming their presence in my life as something completely natural, something that was nothing out of the ordinary. They were a part of my existence and I couldn't every fathom a life without them. They shaped and even completed my life.

It took me a few years for me to realize that I had found The Person, the one people search for through their entire life, at the age of six. Explaining my indifference in dates and relationships and whatnot. I had everything I needed, everyone I craved in her. And the beauty of it, is that I had the luck to have shared the greater part of my life with her. And that I was now given the chance to keep her into it for as long as I needed.

"Girls, don't stay up too late. It _is_ a school night after all. Having a doctor as a parent or acquaintance doesn't naturally mean you can skip school legally any time you want. I expect you to actually go to school this time." My mom says as she appears on the dimly lit porch. With her crossed arms and stern face, she's trying to show us how serious she is about this. About us skipping school once more. But her raised eyebrows and, surprisingly, compassionate eyes tell us differently. She had seen the hurt and sadness that was so pointedly glowing from me these last few days. She experienced the despair and hopelessness in Ashley's pleading voice and features. She knew how these last few days had been the most testing ones for us in our young lives. And that's the reason why she had silently granted us, this not so secret, day off.

A faint chuckle emits from the girl beside me and my eyes immediately get drawn to her barely swinging body. I study her briefly as I hear the chains lightly clinking against the other. Concluding that this was the perfect setting for us to end this already so eventful day. Both having had the need to retreat back into the childish innocence we were searching for earlier today. The place that was the perfect setting for our overdue talk, for the revealing of our secrets. I feel a faint smile forming on my face as I see her candid and relaxed expression through the darkness. Her eyes are still fixed on the woman in front of us when she starts speaking.

"No problem Mrs. C. We'll be up and running at seven in the morning." She says with the wink of an eye. "And thanks again for the note." She adds as an afterthought and the snigger that follows, comes out too easily from my mouth. Same goes for the muttered sorry afterwards, when I noticed the non-amused face of my mom.

"Just don't make a habit out of it." She warns us one last time while pointing a menacing finger towards us. Somehow the sincerity is completely lost on me and Ashley. And I'm pretty the same things goes for my mother.

"Goodnight mom." I whisper just loud enough for her to catch. I send her a shy but genuine and very thankful smile her way. Thankful not only for the slipped notes, but also for granting us the chance for this day. Because it's already marked as one of the most meaningful days for me. Genuinely and inhibitedly meaningful. I got to enjoy it, without the guilt and wallow I usually have to feel along the bitter happiness they brought me. This day would have taken place anyway. We've skipped for lesser reasons. But somehow, it meant so much to me that my mother, secretly, went along with.

She's about to enter the kitchen again, when she turns around one last time. Studying us with that faraway look in her eyes. Her head clearly filled with dozens of thoughts. I know that expression. I know it because, save for a few details here and there, it's was exactly like mine. That doesn't mean I could read it easily though. Even if, I'm sure both me and Ashley had an inkling of what was running through her mind. And I wonder if she figured it out already. If the realization of the level of our intimate bond finally is hitting her. Maybe she had it figured out a long time ago. Or maybe she's still as clueless as the majority of the people that swarm around us.

She smiles briefly towards us. It's very faint and barely noticeably, but it's there. "Goodnight girls." She says quietly before finally stepping in and shutting the door.

We both remain silent for a while, our eyes still trained on the locked door in front of us. It's pleasant and relaxing. It's a moment I've been craving for so long. Satisfying and comforting instants had always been present between us. But that gnawing guilt was never faraway. Keeping me from enjoying those moments to the fullest. Keeping me away from the full contentment I was yearning for.

I train my eyes down to my feet. Following their movement as they alter from lightly dangling in the air, to lightly touching the damp grass. It's the center of my attention until her strong hand grasps one of my chains. Effectively stopping the weak movement of my swing. My eyes trail from her hand across her bare arm, upwards, until they meet hers. The content smile that graces my face comes so effortlessly when I see hers. When her appearance radiates the very same feelings and emotions that course through me at this point. I couldn't wish for anything more for her. Because I know, that it feels quite wonderful.

"Do you wanna go to bed?" Breathes out from her lips. I bashfully duck my head. I bite my lip before lightly shaking it. My eyes suddenly entranced with my shoes once again.

"Yeah, me neither." She whispers genuinely and I leisurely lift my head again. Focusing on her face once more.

"I know it's sounds stupid, but I don't want this day to end. I'm afraid that once I go to bed, all of this," I say as I gesture between and around us, "will just become a distant memory that was only existing in my mind." I say, finishing off with a sigh. Slightly annoyed at the fact that I couldn't explain myself properly.

"It's not stupid." She assures me quietly, but I only snort in respond. "Spence, it isn't." She tells me more pointedly this time. "I sorta feel the same way." This time, she's the one lowering her gaze. But as I let a finger of my flattened hand brush against one of hers, they rapidly shift again. Briefly lingering on our touching hands before gradually diverting upwards. Just like I did so earlier on. And same goes for the easy smiles that are forming once more.

"Do you think we should tell your parents about us?" She asks after a few silent beats, pointing towards the backdoor.

Her question doesn't come to me as a surprise. It's been lingering in both our heads from the moment mom stepped on the porch, finding us huddled quite closely on the swings. It was nothing she hadn't seen before. As a matter of fact, she's seen us in far more intimate positions on countless occasions. But this was different and I couldn't shake off the feeling that she caught on it. No matter how brief it was or wasn't.

"Well, we're gonna have to eventually." I say, my fingers tiptoeing over hers until they cover her hand completely. "I just don't know if I want to yet." I divulge quietly, roaming her face for her reaction.

"Oh. Okay." She responds silently, lowering her gaze a bit. Clearly somewhat disappointed by my answer. I rapidly lift my hand to her face, gently cupping it as I will her eyes back on mine. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. Above all, I didn't want her to get saddened by me, so early in our new relationship already. I didn't want her the get saddened ever. Especially not by me.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that. You _know_, I didn't mean it like that." I assure her truthfully. "I want nothing more than be with you like I actually want to, without having to worry about what others might say or think. I've been wanting that for a very long time Ash, believe me." I admit, unable to suppress a playful grin from appearing on my face. "But this isn't the time. Not now, not yet." I whisper as I bring her face closer to me. The motion igniting some faint movements of our swings. "I don't want to share you. I wanna have you for myself for a while." Breathes out quietly from my lips and I don't think I could say any more honest words than those. Counting perfectly how I feel inside.

She's understanding them flawlessly too, her touched expression giving her away mercilessly. Her mouth opens in attempt to respond to me, but no word comes out. Instead she retreats a bit, my hand slowly falling to my side again, and starts shaking her head. A teasing smile adorning her face.

"Wow, Carlin. I never thought you would be this demanding and needy." She teases relentlessly. Teeth sunken into her lower lip in attempt to hold back the laughter.

"Only with you." I manage to say through my wide smile.

Still biting her lip, her eyes briefly wander to my lips. Easily shifting this moment from the lighthearted to something completely and emotionally loaded. I feel the hand under mine, tightening its grasp on the steel chain. Leisurely guiding me closer to her as she shifts her own posture. Until she's halfway turned towards me.

"Come're." She sighs quietly into the night, drawing me closer until there's barely any space left between our dangling bodies. My unoccupied hand wanders away from my seat, as it reaches for the chain opposite of me. Partly because I want to position her completely, or almost anyway, towards me and partly because I need the leverage. The weight and balance had already left my body.

And then, as our feet try to find the stability between the steady ground and the liberating air, our faces find their way to each other. With trembling lips we connect once more. Fulfilling an act of which we already had the chance to gratify a few times. But one way or another it feels so completely different and new. Wondering if it's supposed to feel this different every single time. Hoping, as the tip of her tongue finds its way on my lower lip, that we'll always feel this different, but equally dazzling, sensations.

Her hand lightly creeps over my cheek, until it eventually rests at the back of my neck. Her nails faintly and briefly digging into my skin there when I lightly open my mouth. Inviting her to extend this sweet instant, this day that is shaping into something more monumental then I had I ever hoped. Overshadowing the night of a few days ago when I had finally laid all my cards on the table for her to see. Outshining every moment in which I cried because I was sure that my love for her would never be requited in the same strength as mine. Because I thought a scene like this one could only exist in the shadows of my mind.

Gradually her hold loosens both on the chain as on my neck and our lips ultimately part. A faded dissatisfied moan rings in our ears as our foreheads press to the other. Eyes still closed, noses brushing, breaths mingling. Forgetting the years we might have wasted by not being closer then we already were. Telling ourselves that it was better that way. That it was meant to happen like that and that it only helped making _this_ as real as it now is. Even if it still feels like the sweetest of all dreams.

Her hand slides back to my cheek and I finally let my eyes flutter back open. Finding her half-lidded ones. Briefly closing them again as I lightly brush my lips over hers once more. The enticement too great not to give in even for a fraction of a second.

And as we prolong this night by letting our bodies hover freely in the crisp air. Finding the stability they need in the other, we get all the reassurance we need. We get the comfort for our shared fear.


	21. Chapter 19

"You wanna bite?" I say as I bring my untouched sandwich to her face, adjusting my head a little to watch her reaction. She faintly smiles before wordlessly shaking her head. Swiftly focusing her eyes on nothing in particular again.

"It's tu-naaa." I tease in a sing-song voice. Prancing the sandwich in front of her face, in attempt to change her mind. Dad always packed extra sandwiches for me. Knowing that Ashley never packed her own lunch, but enjoyed some midday food nonetheless.

"It's okay, Spence. I'm not really hungry." She explains feebly, while eyeing me in reassurance. I shrug weakly before resting my head on her shoulder again. Briefly putting the sandwich with the rest next to me, before gazing the same way as her. And I momentarily wonder what suddenly has become so fascinating about the bushes and trees we see daily. The ones we're always surrounded with while our secluded lunches. This has become our spot for a few weeks now. Both enjoying the fact that it was completely deserted and far away from the cries of any teenager of our school. I still don't understand how no one actually comes here. Every student seemed to either prefer the quad at school or some café down town. But nobody came here and we really didn't mind it. On the contrary. The less crowded, the better. And Ashley and I seem to have a knack for finding all of L.A.'s secretive and secluded spots.

And it was exactly what we needed right now. We both decided to lay low for awhile. We wanted to take things slow and enjoy every single new emotion we felt, every single new moment we shared together. Everything that was different, but somehow still was the same. So we didn't tell anyone or made any efforts to show it. Not that much has changed in the way we interact together on the outside. But the feelings that surged between us, that was different. The motions were mostly the same. Everything has always been very intimate between us. Even if it was more difficult for me since I discovered the truth behind my feelings for Ashley. But that didn't stop me from being a part of the unique closeness that we shared. Only now, there was barely any resistance left and no more guilt or remorse to feel. It's the best feeling you can wish for.

As for the kisses with Ashley. Well, maybe I have to re-think my previous statement. They're indescribable, because I couldn't possibly put it in words. They're mostly still very innocent and bashful. Both still relishing the newness of it all. Both wanting more but not daring to take that next step too soon. Afraid that any misstep could make everything crumble as rapidly as it was build up. Stolen kisses were the most satisfying. When doing the dishes together with mom just around the corner, in between classes in a dark corner of the hallway, while sharing lunch as we sit huddled together underneath a tree. The thought only that we could share something so personal when surrounded by others and still feel alone, still _be_ alone, was nothing short of fulfilling. And to think that it has barely been a few days.

"Talk to me, Ash." I say quietly, breaking the silence between us. Sensing that something was on her mind. I could part the heavy silence from the light-hearted one. And she's been too quiet, too non-responsive for a while.

"You left me." She suddenly says and I instantly lift my head from her shoulder. Frowning in confusion as I lock my eyes with hers.

"What do you mean?" I ask genuinely puzzled at her bold statement.

"First at Sebastian's, but I get it cause you were confused. We both were." She explains in an understanding tone. "But then you left me again. You didn't even let me explain anything. You just left me."

"I had no idea-"

"Do you remember when I came back from Venice?" She asks me, interrupting each of my frantic words.

"Of course I do." I reply, not really understanding where she was going with this. And my momentarily inability to read her pensive look and words, scared me. It was the kind of unexpectedness that I _didn't_ crave for.

"Do you remember our promise?"

And then it hits me.

_--_

_I wrap my arms tighter around my frame, wishing I had taken the time to at least grab a sweater on my way out. Granted, I had to work quick and stealthily. It was the only way I could sneak out in the middle of the night without waking anyone up. I glance at my watch and wonder why she's so late. Her plane was supposed to have landed more than two hours ago and there still wasn't a sign of Ashley arriving. More than regretting the fact that I had forgotten to put on a sweater, I regretted forgetting my phone in my room. Making it unable for me to contact her or for her to contact me. Something she surely already has done. I can only hope she isn't as worried about me as I am of her right now._

_The cold breeze is picking up and I try the best I can to shield myself from it. This could've have been avoided if Ashley's mother had been home like any normal mother should at this hour of night. Certainly, if you consider the fact that she hadn't seen her daughter in over two weeks. Christine wasn't your average, considering mother. On the one hand I disliked her for not treating Ashley the way she deserved to be treated. The way she deserved to be loved. On the other hand, she made me grateful for my own fretting mother. She made me realize just how lucky I was._

_"Spencer?" A familiar voice asks faintly. I had been too drowned in my thoughts and too observing of my shoes to have heard or seen her, it seemed. As I swiftly glance up to the direction of the voice, I see her standing there somewhat surprised, somewhat relieved. In a instant, I stand from my seat on the porch and rapidly cross the distance between us. Barely noticing her carelessly dropping her bags as I jump into her arms. Holding her as tight as I can to me. Grasping at her body and scent. At her presence right here before her porch at 4 in the morning. Knowing that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now. Because these last two weeks, I had endured life without Ashley. Life without its needed zest and verve._

_The embrace is returned just as tightly as mine. And as I tightly grip her jacket to me and she clutches my shirt in response, I let out the relieved sigh I had been holding in the moment we said our goodbye's. I bury my face into her neck and take in her scent that I missed so much. The one I desperately tried to sense in her pillow on my bed and the clothes she left behind. But it could never come close to the real thing. I could never be this revitalizing, this intoxicating._

_Her touch, her sense, her presence, it all becomes too much for me to handle in such little time. Completely overloaded and over stimulated, I feel a tear trickling down my cheek, ultimately hitting her skin. I hadn't imagined acting so strongly, so emotionally to her coming back. After all, it's only been two weeks. That's what we said to each other before she had left to Venice too. But every day we weren't together was a little harder than the day before that. Ten years living and breathing as one does that to you. Ten years of a unique and inexplicable bond make the briefest moment apart, a moment in which breathing comes just a little harder. In which aches and pains come just a little easier._

_She feels the same way. I gathered that. I gathered it from her never ending calls at impossible hours in Venice, just so she could catch me at a reasonable hour for me. And now I'm gathering it through this embrace that seems to get more intimate with the moment. The dark and absolute peacefulness around us may contribute to the closeness. But this is something that is created through our own emotions and feelings._

_"I missed you so much." I whisper waveringly right by her ear. She backs up a bit to look at me more intently, both loosening our hold while doing so. One of her hands, leaves my waist as she lifts it to my face. Caringly brushing away a lost lock of mine, before letting her hand rest on my cheek._

_"Me too, Spence." She replies just as quietly. Her thumb lightly caressing along my cheekbone. Instantly reproducing a whole new surge of chills. Ones that aren't caused by the cold air. "You have no idea." She sighs genuinely. Her eyes truly connecting with mine for the first time in a long time. Surging a faint fluttering within my heart. So easily, so naturally. So likely to her and us._

_"I was worried." I let out after a few moments. Briefly remembering the time of the night and the lonesome wait prior to this. Not that it wasn't worth it. Ashley always delivered no matter what. But I was concerned nonetheless._

_"I tried calling you …" She starts hesitantly, her hand briefly pinching my hip in reassurance._

_"I forgot my phone at home." I explain, momentarily interrupting her._

_"I climbed up to your room." She continues, before letting a smile appear on her face. "I couldn't wait until tomorrow, so I thought I'd meet you there."_

_I smile in return at her thoughtfulness and our basically in sync minds. Above all, I smiled at the fact that she missed me and longed for me just as much as I had. The thought of it comforted me and gave me a soothing feeling. I leisurely lift my hand from my hold on her and cover the one on my cheek. Squeezing it fondly as I take in her moonlit reflection. Noticing the candid glint in her eyes._

_"I had the same idea." I say bashfully, lightly biting my lower lip while doing so. "Only I was thinking more of seeing you here."_

_"It doesn't matter." She says, while lowering our linked hands. Placing them right above her chest. "I'm just glad that you're here." She sighs contently into the air, before leisurely leaning in. Bringing her face closer to mine, until her shivering lips touch my chilled cheek. Brushing over it so innocently, yet so fondly. Barely registering it as a kiss, but the intimacy of it overwhelms me completely._

_"I don't think I could ever do this again." I divulge after she retreats again. My hand still tightly pressed to her heart. "You have no idea how these past two weeks were for me." I speak softly. Needing her to understand how much our time apart affected me. How insanely addictive I've become to her and how her presence had become a too common factor in my life. And it was something I wasn't willing to lose. Something I could not lose. I wouldn't know how to live my life without her right there by my. I don't think I even want to imagine it._

_"I do have an idea, Spence." She urges sweetly, searching my eyes to reassure me. " I have every idea. It's a two way street. I promise." She assures me genuinely._

_"Then don't leave me again." I whimper out feebly. Practically begging her to not part from me ever again. Even though I was the one who had urged her to still go on this trip. To not let my parents' decision to keep me at home ruin her summer. I had even gone as far as suggesting to go with Joel. Barely suppressing the nausea and heartbreak that came with my offer. But she wouldn't hear it. She even got mad that I would even consider her leaving with anyone but me. "I won't either, I promise." I say more urgently this time. More pointedly, because I don't think I can be fully at peace with myself if she doesn't requite it. This goes beyond any misunderstood feelings. This is about the reassurance of having her in my life at all times. No matter how and when. "Promise me, Ashley. Please."_

_"I'm not leaving you again, Spencer. If you won't, I won't. I promise." She pledges truthfully, lifting her hand from my hip until it reaches my face again. Brushing her thumb right beneath my eye._

_"Once together …" She says hoarsely, trailing her thumb further down. Until it moves slowly over my exposed throat. Her eyes momentarily following the trail, before shifting back to mine again. "Never apart." She continues in a sigh. Feeling the genuine promises in those heavy words. Sensing our prospects and expectations in them. And as she keeps gazing deeply into my eyes, I understand her silent question. Her plea to hear those words through my voice. Her need to hear me promise the exact same thing._

_"Once together, never apart."_

_--_

"I was losing you, Spence." She sighs truthfully. "You have no clue what that felt like. How desperate I had become in those days. You promised me you'd never leave me and you did." She continues in a hurt tone, lowering her eyes to her fiddling hands.  
I bring a finger underneath her chin. Gently lifting it until her eyes were back on mine.

"I didn't leave you, Ash. I mean I did. It's just-" I sigh dejectedly. Aggravated at my inability to explain things to her. I retreat my hand and slump back against the tree trunk. Inhaling deeply before continuing my explanation. "You have to understand how much it took for me to go to you that night. To pile up a year of secretive longing, crushing and fearing in one talk. For so long I had been terrified and I had finally found the strength, no matter how weak it was, to tell you everything I had been keeping from you. And when I heard Joel, it was just my breaking point you know? I didn't think I could take any more heartbreak." I whisper truthfully.

"You didn't give me the chance to explain myself." She points out again, clearly still wounded by that fact.

"I know. And I was wrong. I still feel so terribly bad about that. I should have let you talk to me, but I was tired of keeping my hopes up only to end up getting hurt all the time, Ashley." I tell her, feeling as though I wasn't truly reaching her with my words.

"We promised each other that we'd never leave each other, no matter what. I held my part of the promise-"

"I know." I say understandingly, as I put my hand caringly over hers. Silently comforting her a bit. Because I understand that I had hurt her. That I had broken our promise. Even if it seemed for the better at the time. Even if I only had done it to partly protect my fragile heart, but mostly for her. Because I didn't want to guilt her into starting anything with me she didn't want. I didn't want her to stop living her own life because of her delusional best friend.

" - but you didn't and I don't I think I could handle you breaking it again." She admits waveringly. Finally uncovering the true reason behind her little outburst. Revealing the fear I had endured for a long time myself.

"Is that what you think, Ash? Is that what you're afraid of? Me leaving you?" I ask quietly and she diverts her eyes before faintly nodding. "Ashley." I sigh as I bring my hand to her cheek. Guiding her gaze back to me again, before lightly tugging her towards me. She gives in to my silent plea and leans into the trunk. Resting her head right next to mine.

"I don't know what we can expect of this in the future, whatever this might be. I've given up on trying to figure things out way before they even happen. "But I'm not planning on leaving you." I whisper hoarsely. Letting my hand caress her cheek ever so lightly. "I honestly don't think I can." I say earnestly.

"But-"

"What happened before, it's just- It was so confusing and overwhelming and I didn't know how to handle it. I went from sharing the most unexpected and satisfying kiss with you, to running away, to coming and wanting to clear things out before finally running away again." I explain softly, leaning in a little closer with every word I say. "You have to understand that I was running away from my fears, from the consequences and the screwed situation itself. But I was never running away from you. I never left you."

"So much went through my mind in those four days, Spencer. Because that was exactly how it felt and I couldn't come to terms with it. I thought I at least owed you the explanation you deserved. I just couldn't let you go. Not after everything" She says halfheartedly and it angers me that I had caused her so much hurt. That I had denied her the chance to even talk to me.

"And I think somewhere deep down I knew that. Unconsciously I knew that you weren't going to let me go without a fight. I don't know. Maybe that was what I needed then? Maybe I needed you to search for me and not the other way around. I needed something to hang onto Ashley. Something to truly reassure me that you felt it too and that it wasn't just created in my mind." It's something I had been wondering about. It wouldn't be the first time that my unconsciousness didn't agree with my real perception. And it wouldn't be the first time that the latter would be overwhelmed by the other.

"Don't ever doubt the way I feel for you, Spencer. Ever." She tells me genuinely, before leaning in a bit and closing the small distance between us. Faintly tracing my lips with hers.

"Don't ever doubt the fact that I will never leave you." I respond in the same tone. And this time I'm the who leans in, before we share a second brief kiss.

"Ever."

As our faces remain close and our gazes keep locked to the other we repeat the promise we had paved almost two years ago.

"Once together …" I begin unevenly, closing my eyes as I let my nose brush against hers.

"Never apart." She replies and for a moment we're back on her front porch and in the midst of the night. Because the sincerity, the feelings that come with it feel just as strong as that first time.


	22. Chapter 20

I think that I understand her need to snatch me away like this in the middle of the night. The need she has to have me by herself. Without any interruptions, without any restrictions. Just me and her together somewhere in the midst of the night. I understand her completely because I feel the same way about her. The difference between us is that she acts on those feelings and thoughts. She has no remorse, no second thoughts about waking me up at ungodly hours. She has no worries about the consequences of any impromptu nightly journey we make. She only cares about what feels good now, what she wants now. What she knows I want too, but wouldn't dare to do on my accord. She knowingly takes the lead and I happily oblige. It's a perfect fit. It's been a perfect fit for years and I have no intention to change it in the lightest. Even though I wish I could be the one taking the lead once and awhile. Just to show her that I'm in this wholeheartedly and that with her I'd do everything I'd never dare to do with anyone else.

She pulls a little bit at my hand, silently urging me to come closer. I immediately oblige as I rest my head on her shoulder. My eyes never leaving the darkness above us, as I try to search for a comfortable position on the cold hood of her car. Coming to the conclusion that the only comfort I can get is through her. With my head on her shoulder, my leg lightly draped over hers and her hand leisurely playing with my hair, I feel at peace. I feel whole.

"Do you remember the night you went out with Gaël?" She suddenly asks me in a hushed tone. Careful not to disturb the calmness we created around us.

"How could I forget the success that was that double date?" I joke quietly as I snuggle a little closer. I instantly feel the wide smile that starts forming on her face and relish it. I do so with each of her smiles. Whether I see them or not. They remain just as special.

She doesn't answer me for a while. Soundlessly continuing the soothing motions of her combing hand. Unknowingly surging chills across the whole of my body. I accept it wholeheartedly as I deeply gaze into the nothingness above us. Wondering how these sleepless hours I spend with her somehow grant me more rest than a full night's worth of sleep could ever hand me. And I know that when, in a few hours from now, we're in class we will be the freshest and most revived students present. As our cheeks will rest against the cold desks and our eyes will linger on their counterparts, we'll forget about any sleep we should need. We'll block out the teacher's musings and ignore the insistent hushed gossiping around us. With the secretive smiles we'll flash to one another, we'll create yet another bubble around us. We'll create yet another fragment in our already rich filled lives. Another memory to relish and relive later on.

"Do you remember what you said in the parking-lot?" She says, finally picking up the conversation again. She leisurely stops her movements and rests her hand on my neck. Lightly tickling me in the process.

"I said a lot of things that night." I retort, pensively raking my mind to remind myself what she might mean. I slide my hand over to her chest. Unconsciously searching the reassuring beat of her heart. But I'm surprised to find a rapid pace instead. She interrupts me before I can even voice my concern.

"We were watching the sky. Just like we are now." She says softly. Slowly but surely I feel her heart regaining a steadier pace. And as if on cue, she shifts her hand from my neck. Lazily dragging it to the one on her chest. Clasping it with mine. Assuring me once more. Fulfilling her protective role to perfection. Prolonging this new found peace within.

"Still no star." I muse lowly. Understanding where she's heading with her words. Feeling her hand tightening around mine. "Still no star." She retorts just as quietly.

We stay silent and motionless for a moment, until I decide to lightly back away my face from her neck. The gesture triggering her own change of movements. She faces me for the first time in a while tonight and it feels nice. It always does. She's the first to break the trance, by cracking a content smile but mine follows closely after.

"Does your offer still stand?" She asks me shyly. Cautiously biting her lip while doing so. I shift my hand once more, as I reach for lips. Lightly tracing the lip she had just marked with her teeth, with the pad of my thumb. She kisses it faintly, before I rest it at the corner of her mouth.

"Whenever you're ready." I breathily whisper into the night. Repeating the same words I had said back then. Still meaning it with the whole of my heart. She smiles widely again and I can't help but lean in lightly. Softly kissing her still smiling lips. It still feels as sweet and exciting as the first time.

"I'm ready now." She says after I back up a bit again.

"You wanna go now? Just hit the road, with no goodbye's, no explanations, no nothing?" I ask amused. Even If I know the question is so terribly unnecessary. I know for a fact she'd drop everything without a moment's hesitance to leave anywhere with me. I've always had that complete and sincere belief in her.

She takes my hand - the one that's still resting on her face – in hers and entwines our fingers.

"Not nothing." She says, as she kisses the back of my hand before pointing it towards me, "Everything."

It's hard to form any words, any deserving ones anyway, after a sweet statement like that. So I settle for a shy smile instead. I'm already grateful for the darkness that's masking the undeniable blush I'm sporting.

"We can't just up and leave." I reason softly after a while. Blocking the momentarily and outrageous thought of actually going through with it. "It's not that simple." I sigh.

"Actually it is." She counters lightly. She pulls me by the hand and soundlessly urges me once more to come closer to her. I give in and scoop nearer, until we're nose to nose and barely separated. "But I know what you mean." She continues.

"You always do." I say sincerely. She grins widely, before sweetly pecking me a few times on the lips.

"Well, I'd hope so." She teases after settling back a bit. "Not knowing what you mean is kind of a bad indicator for a relationship."

"We're gonna go, you know. Soon. Just not now." I whisper hurriedly. Keen to assure her that I wasn't backpedaling on my promise. That I wasn't backing out. We both knew the importance of the trip. "And then we're gonna see the stars. I promise." I finish almost breathlessly.

"I know that." She says smiling lazily. "I wasn't doubting you." Her eyes completely and utterly focused on mine. Not losing contact with them once.

"But we need to do something first. _I_ need to do something first." I say, explaining my motives bit by bit. Explaining what's been haunting my mind for a while now.

"I want people to know about us." I begin, waiting for her response. Only she just keeps calm and collected. Starting the soothing motions of her hand through my locks once more. She knows how it relaxes me. She knows it's what I need.

"I don't want to hide you or us. I've been hiding whatever is that I'm feeling for you for so long. I know that I told you I wanted to lay low for a while but I can't handle any more hiding. I can't handle any secretiveness any more." I whisper truthfully. She simply continues leisurely combing my hair with her fingers. All the while subtly nodding her head. Assuring me it was okay to go on.

"I want to tell my family and friends about us. I want to tell them how extremely happy you make me feel. Every single day." I hush sincerely barely above a whisper. "I want them to know how much I love you. I want to be capable to be _us_ anytime, anywhere."  
It's silent for a while after my sudden confession. But it's comfortable and unnerves me. Her soothing gestures never ending and comforting me flawlessly. Any anxiety I might have felt before of sharing my relationship, completely seeping out of my body. Feeling utterly and fully at peace with the thought. Anxious even to be able to share the most beautiful thing that happened to me with the ones close to me.

"Okay." She says simply. Making it sound as if I had offered her to have breakfast together.

"Okay?" I repeat questioningly.

"Okay." She says once more, amused. "I'm following your lead, Spence." She continues sweetly. For the first time, I'm the one who leads. I'm the one taking control. Calling the shots. Finally daring to act first, instead of just tagging along like I'm used to. It's a turning point. And an immensely important one too.

"And then we go to Ohio." I say afterwards. Continuing the persuasion of my new role. The one where I dare and don't cowardly back away scared. Finally understanding that I do not need to fear any jump into the unknown when I have her by my side at all times. When solely her presence grants me all the comfort and strength I need to act on my purest feelings. My deepest desires. The ones I always wished to pursue, but never did.

"And then we go to Ohio." She repeats after me. Her grin growing with each second that passes. Matching the one covering my face already.

"Do you want to do it together?" She asks after a few beats.

I contemplate her question for a moment. Already imagining the conversation with my family. Silently picturing their reaction to our revelation. Hoping desperately that they will accept us, just like they accepted our friendship so effortlessly before. Hoping especially that they'll continue loving her, like they've done before. I don't think I could handle them looking at her differently then before. I'd rather have them doubting me, than her. She doesn't deserve to be let down by another family. Not after she's been accepted in it so warmheartedly. Not after she has embraced them so sincerely into her heart.

"I think I need to do this alone. At first, anyway." I say as I lay down my head on her chest. Feeling her heart picking up pace once more. "If that's okay with you." I whisper while I close my eyes. Letting her moving chest lull me to a close to state of sleep.

"I'm following your lead, remember?" She says humorously. I feel her soundlessly kissing the top of my head and I try my hardest not to actually fall asleep. I can barely remember a time where I've felt this relaxed and so completely at rest.

"But I'll still be there, you know. I'll always be." She assures softly, hugging me closer to her. Shielding me of the cold breeze that's surrounding us.

"I know." I answer her truthfully. Not hesitating for a second. I had no reason whatsoever to doubt her in even the slightest way.

"Okay." She breathes out quietly. I unconsciously bring my chilled hand under her thin sweater, in search of some heat to warm it up. I immediately hear a sharp intake of breath and inst antly withdraw it again.

"I'm sorry." I sputter quickly.

"No, it's okay." She says already guiding my hand under her sweater again. "You're just a little cold. But it feels good." She continues, as she flattens my hand on her stomach. Her trembling one, holding it in place as I start tracing her skin with my thumb. "You feel good." She finishes with an unsteady voice.

Funny, I was just thinking the exact same thing.

"You wanna head back home?" I ultimately say. Momentarily ignoring the feelings that are building up. Not wanting it to over cloud my thoughts. It's was getting very late after all. Or early for that matter. We still had to sneak back into my room before my parents woke up. They wouldn't appreciate this kind of nightly getaways. Certainly not in the middle of the week. I didn't need to get on their bad side, before I had to make the most important announcement of my life.

"Not yet. I just want to stay a little longer here with you." She answers, "We'll be back home in time. I promise." She assures me, while fondly squeezing my hand.

I lightly nod my head. Agreeing just a little to rapidly. A little to eagerly. Because home isn't where I want to be right now. Home is here with her on the hood of her car and underneath the darkened sky. I leisurely slide my hand over her ribcage, to her side and hug her closer to me. Hearing her breath pick up a notch again along the way. Home is here in her arms. It has always been that way and it will always remain that way. Cause she's all I want and all I need.

"Okay. Just for a little while."


End file.
